Tidbitsitsybityspider
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Onwards! I close my eyes. Then I see a man laying down, just his headbdested on a pillow. Seeems like he sleeps, but I know he won't get up, he'll dienin his sleep. I am identifyingnwifh him even thoighbI look nothinf like him, but sleep, so mich of I have missed in the last three years is taking it's tall. No amount of opoayes ornsedatives, or adjuvant medicines help and I habe a ceeling again, an irrational but logical, expression, I will die. I am not tired of lofe, I love it, I am tired of fears that are hunting me on every turn. Body, over tikmme, became stiff. TBC
Clinical death confirmed that everything is okay and nice beyond words. Everything fades in comparison and if you have not experienced it, you cannot know. I keep the course. Even my doctor wants me dead, with a new prescription Friday they sent me into opiate withdrawal Saturday that I had to reach for two exrtra meds to stabalize the vitals and got back on oxycodone and they are still to write me a reply messages because 15 mg MS Contin a day cannot be substitute for 60+ mgs of oxy. Thank you for the vibes and hope. I will see them next week for more permanent solution either with stronger baseline round the clock extended release opiate with current oxy for breakthrough pain or adding another opiate. I will stay in their office until they find guts to help me as I have been living like a pancake flat on the bed for the most part of last two years.
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That must be painful. I am not saying death as painless , I am saying after death who claims you would find peace ? No one comes from dying who says " oh it's peaceful here or oh it's hell! " The truth is we can never know. When hell is here in surviving than taking the chance to might as well see what lies on the other side feels alluring but.. I hope death finds you and all of us truly when it's our time. So don't do it. Even though life is hell for you and you would do anything for the pain to end , don't do it. I like to believe there's a reason the creator is keeping us alive ( not necessarily to service him or something ) he perhaps see meaning in our existence. Lol. To be honest I don't know either. Who knows why we are living in a planet in a system that's fucked up in so many ways and so many fucking problems that seem endless and with a condition like you have , the pain is truly endless. That's not to say it won't end one day , I hope it will. (I am sorry if it will not and that's the criteria of your condition, I don't know about it ) but I ... Like to believe it will if it can. Even if there's 0.1 % chances for that. I will hold onto that hope. May that 0.1 % chance find you. And.. I hope things work out with your doctor , you find a suitable dose soon. You're welcome and I wish you luck and just good things. Hope sun finds you ☀️
Thank youbso mich for thoghtful, hopeful and encouroging reply. Ues, as long as there is minimal chance of improvement I agree we should hold on. Bear in mind I am not in so much distress right now so am able to use brain in a more rational way. Wishin you, me, and all other members on this forum to find solutions and resolve sitiations they, us, somehow find oirselves in. I continue to do regular testing and screening in order to get to the bottom of my issues. As far as chronic pain in my back and legs go indications are that some of my lower back has shifted which, through the pressed nerves, sends these painful sensations. So fat, none of the doctors are giving me non-opiate solution. So, I will do my part, be patient and see how it turns out. Yesyrday I had once again realization amd that is to find joy in others joys and happiness which in return aids me to go through my own struggles. Be well 🤗 and Onwards!!
You're welcome and I am glad you're feeling a bit better for now. It's good you're trying to go through the root of the problem as that would allow for proper treatment. Have you tried physical therapy? I am glad seeing other's joy is making you happy however I hope you won't choose it as the only source of happiness. What I mean is your happiness matters too and I hope you will be able to find it independent of other's happiness ( hope that makes sense )
And thankyou, you be well too
🤗
And thankyou, you be well too
🤗I don't give a fuck anymore. I am to the brim with PTSD, mental illness, anxiety and chronic pain. Seems like I am entering last stages of hell on this planet. So, I will sit here are this desk or go lay down when I am unable to hold my head straight, go every two hours on a measly few oxycodone and Percocet pills, in between some clonazepam and then wait ten hours, dissolve 8/2 Suboxone for ten days and let myself fly away into whatever these particles of body-mind want to go and hopefully it was not a lie what I experienced during clinical death in February 2022. Time for support and consolation is over. Nothing and no one in this world can erase what I have seen and felt, what I am feeling right now emotionally and physically. I gave it a good chance for them to do all their scans and tests and on small spoon give me relief of my symptoms. First. they kept me on 6 mg valium for over six months for anxiety, which is only loading dose after which patient should be titrated to higher doses in order to control anxiety, but no, I was born under unlucky star, so when I my vertebrae got fractured in November 2023 my psychiatrist told me she will not give me valium because of oxycodone prescription for my back even though in medical community opiates and benzos are prescribed together at the same time all the time as long as it makes them money. If it comforts a patient fuck you, that is not a way. Well, what the fuck is the way, take a chainsaw and sever all the body parts that hurt? Anxiety among other things, if not controlled adequately and fueled by multiple PTSDs will make body shake uncontrollably. I did not have any falls. So, my vertebrae got fractured either by the shaking and jerking of the body or from the physical therapy I got prescribed in October 2023 for strengthening my back muscles. I have tried getting off of benzos in rehab successfully, and since none of the health insurance covered detox/ rehab facilities do not allow use of any controlled substances while in there, they also got me off of oxycodone. Fine. After two weeks, and multiple ER visits out of detox/rehab center instincts told me to run away from that place and I had to go literally nuts in order for them to hand me my wallet which had my ID, credit/ debit cards, car and insurance cards and car keys so I could go home and find some comfort there. However, after four days, my legs were jerking so much it felt like they would fall off of my body, so my PCP give my clonazepam not writing in the chart that it is for bodily movements but for anxiety which I did not express concern for at that time. In March 2024, I started aqua physical therapy for general weakness, but my body was getting worse pain wise so in March if last year I got back onto oxycodone first with 5 mg here and there, until it progressed to 10 mg every 8 hours. Due to lack of support, I missed neurology appointments in May and July and altogether gave up on doing those visits because of unreliability of my bod-mind systems until something happened in December of last year where my sis came to my place and made an appointment for neurology. By this time I was on 15 mg oxycodone every 6 hours and nothing for breakthrough pain. When I asked to be on Subutex my doctor refused and gave me once a day 15 mg MS Contin which does absolutely nothing. Towards the end of this ordeal, I will remove the extended-release coating and swallow the insides of it. Drawback, respiratory depression, but fuck it, that is anyhow how I died the first time. I was telling my body to breathe but it did not comply. After two tries, I gave up and went into NDE and OBE (google it). I might be around next 25 days tops. After that I hope to expire as fast as possible. No empathy, advice, suggestions or care needed. Whoever reads, wishing you fulfillment of your desires as long as they are not hurting others in any way. Adios!
Tuesday, March 11th, 2025
I am in disbelief I am still alive. In a matter of a month I have gained 14 pounds. It does not help that Roxycodone and Lyrica my pain clinic has me on are both water retention medications so instead of going 12 times number one, I barely make it five times a day. When I told my PCP about weight gain, he said, just cut back on ensures. Ensure has 16 grams of sugar. If chug down three of those, it is 56 grams of sugar. Add to that that I am sweetening chamomile tea with honey, I am drowning myself. He said I am congested and gave me some antihistamine spray. Night after I took it as prescribed I felt like half of my brain was gone, had a huge headache for the most part of the day. Today I managed to gather trash within the condo and clean refrigerator out of the expired goods, which means I am not eating that much either. I figured something out, something very important regarding my wishes for death. I am not ready. But since I figured that out I can start preparing and welcoming it gracefully. I am now in constant pain, no matter the medications they are giving me. There was some commercial on the Facebook to test cellular inflammation and both my written multi question and urine tests came in very high numbers. It pretty much means that my cells are unable to get the nutrients in and the trash out. No wonder garbage is piling up and I gained so much weight in the last month. Pain clinic wants me to do a shot, but I will kindly refuse, will have to call them to cancel. The luck I had for the past 30 years of my life, chances of me getting paralyzed from the shot are high. Considering that my PTSD and anxiety are still on high levels, I am not sure I would be able to withstand being paralyzed.
About a week ago there was a whole phone around cycling between me, pharmacy and pain clinic to get my pain medication filled. I ended up using leftovers of illegally obtained oxycodone and some Norco one of my family members found. It was from five years ago but it did a job of me not going into a withdrawal, but since the rule are tight I ended up in WD end since I was prescribed a week supply of Suboxone, I ended up taking a film after 12 hours of my last dose, as instructed by that online doctor. However, it did send me into a mild precipitated withdrawal, and I ended up going to the emergency room. They just chit chatted with me and told me to stay on Suboxone or go on methadone since I became legal junkie, but that preface does not really matter now, I am a junkie. I have one oxycodone left for today, as I had so much pain this morning that I was popping that like tick tocks only to pull the breaks soon enough so I can take Lyrica and clonazepam. Everything seems pointless without medications. I could observe during withdrawal, when body-mind got rid of most of the opiates how everything in my existence seemed void, deserted and boring. How come that innocent children are being killed on a daily basis, yet here I am, ungrateful and useless, still alive. This is for sure punishment for me being top class asshole and I will live until I fully pay the price.
At the last psych meeting which was over the zoom because I was still shaky from Suboxone uncoupling opiate receptors, I asked my therapist to kill me when she asked what would be helpful. She of course refused. Okay, then repair my body-mind so I can go back to living life I used to have five years ago without pains. I am 47 years old. That is actually not that old and I should not be feeling physically the way I feel. Nobody believes me unless they see me, I look much older, sometimes I even got estimates that I am in my sixties. I do not have majority of my teeth, and I hope I can go to my dentist appointment tomorrow so they can make an assessment, and they can figure out how to pull six remaining rotten to the bone teeth. I have a lot of gray hair and am very unkempt. I take a shower only when I start itching or when the stink of my body is unbearable to me. Next time I go to pain clinic I will be asking for Subutex for maintenance, and it should help with pain for the most part and will also ask for something for breakthrough pain. Lyrica can do only so much, and it is also very addictive. There are tons of horror stories on the internet from people trying to get off of it and having withdrawal symptoms. So, I am hooked on three very addictive substances which habit is hardest to break: opiate, benzodiazepine and nicotine, plus now Lyrica which did not make a list, but I am sure in a few years when trial IV is completed, and FDA gets enough complaints from patients who were taking it and tried getting off of it. Today I took prescribed 150 mg, because I already took three tables of oxycodone so am trying to survive on that. Later on, I might take some Clonidine and then in the evening the last prescribed tablet of oxycodone.
I did find chiropractor and acupuncture office, both in one, probably 20 minutes away from my place, so as soon as I get my disability check I will schedule an appointment and see if they can help realign my spine and help with pinched nerves which send painful sensations down into my lower back and both of my legs. At times it feels like both of them will just burst into thousands of pieces. I just figured out something about this water retention thing. I will start taking 300 mg of Colace (docusate sodium) which works by drawing water from the body into the intestine and garbage to soften it up. Maybe that will help a bit with this uncomfortable feeling of wanting to go number one, but nothing is coming out for minutes, and when It comes out it is not fully released because I still have an urge to urinate. I believe Lyrica is messing me up big time, because ever since I started using it I started having this faster weight gain and higher water retention than when I was only on opiates and benzo, but Lyrica helps mask the painful nerve signals to the brain so I will keep on taking it. Now if I could somehow figure out to add Robaxin to the mix without me being like a pancake for most of the day. It is interesting, that is the only medication that I really feel smashing me down when I take it and it take its synergistic action along with other meds in my system. If I took it now on top of Lyrica and clonazepam, I would feel like somebody applied blunt force to my forehead.
Okay, enough for this day. Not sure when I will write again, but this was helpful in a way, because other sites where I write I am unable to share information like this as taboos arise and people generally still do not understand much about chronic pain and mental health problems.
I am in disbelief I am still alive. In a matter of a month I have gained 14 pounds. It does not help that Roxycodone and Lyrica my pain clinic has me on are both water retention medications so instead of going 12 times number one, I barely make it five times a day. When I told my PCP about weight gain, he said, just cut back on ensures. Ensure has 16 grams of sugar. If chug down three of those, it is 56 grams of sugar. Add to that that I am sweetening chamomile tea with honey, I am drowning myself. He said I am congested and gave me some antihistamine spray. Night after I took it as prescribed I felt like half of my brain was gone, had a huge headache for the most part of the day. Today I managed to gather trash within the condo and clean refrigerator out of the expired goods, which means I am not eating that much either. I figured something out, something very important regarding my wishes for death. I am not ready. But since I figured that out I can start preparing and welcoming it gracefully. I am now in constant pain, no matter the medications they are giving me. There was some commercial on the Facebook to test cellular inflammation and both my written multi question and urine tests came in very high numbers. It pretty much means that my cells are unable to get the nutrients in and the trash out. No wonder garbage is piling up and I gained so much weight in the last month. Pain clinic wants me to do a shot, but I will kindly refuse, will have to call them to cancel. The luck I had for the past 30 years of my life, chances of me getting paralyzed from the shot are high. Considering that my PTSD and anxiety are still on high levels, I am not sure I would be able to withstand being paralyzed.
About a week ago there was a whole phone around cycling between me, pharmacy and pain clinic to get my pain medication filled. I ended up using leftovers of illegally obtained oxycodone and some Norco one of my family members found. It was from five years ago but it did a job of me not going into a withdrawal, but since the rule are tight I ended up in WD end since I was prescribed a week supply of Suboxone, I ended up taking a film after 12 hours of my last dose, as instructed by that online doctor. However, it did send me into a mild precipitated withdrawal, and I ended up going to the emergency room. They just chit chatted with me and told me to stay on Suboxone or go on methadone since I became legal junkie, but that preface does not really matter now, I am a junkie. I have one oxycodone left for today, as I had so much pain this morning that I was popping that like tick tocks only to pull the breaks soon enough so I can take Lyrica and clonazepam. Everything seems pointless without medications. I could observe during withdrawal, when body-mind got rid of most of the opiates how everything in my existence seemed void, deserted and boring. How come that innocent children are being killed on a daily basis, yet here I am, ungrateful and useless, still alive. This is for sure punishment for me being top class asshole and I will live until I fully pay the price.
At the last psych meeting which was over the zoom because I was still shaky from Suboxone uncoupling opiate receptors, I asked my therapist to kill me when she asked what would be helpful. She of course refused. Okay, then repair my body-mind so I can go back to living life I used to have five years ago without pains. I am 47 years old. That is actually not that old and I should not be feeling physically the way I feel. Nobody believes me unless they see me, I look much older, sometimes I even got estimates that I am in my sixties. I do not have majority of my teeth, and I hope I can go to my dentist appointment tomorrow so they can make an assessment, and they can figure out how to pull six remaining rotten to the bone teeth. I have a lot of gray hair and am very unkempt. I take a shower only when I start itching or when the stink of my body is unbearable to me. Next time I go to pain clinic I will be asking for Subutex for maintenance, and it should help with pain for the most part and will also ask for something for breakthrough pain. Lyrica can do only so much, and it is also very addictive. There are tons of horror stories on the internet from people trying to get off of it and having withdrawal symptoms. So, I am hooked on three very addictive substances which habit is hardest to break: opiate, benzodiazepine and nicotine, plus now Lyrica which did not make a list, but I am sure in a few years when trial IV is completed, and FDA gets enough complaints from patients who were taking it and tried getting off of it. Today I took prescribed 150 mg, because I already took three tables of oxycodone so am trying to survive on that. Later on, I might take some Clonidine and then in the evening the last prescribed tablet of oxycodone.
I did find chiropractor and acupuncture office, both in one, probably 20 minutes away from my place, so as soon as I get my disability check I will schedule an appointment and see if they can help realign my spine and help with pinched nerves which send painful sensations down into my lower back and both of my legs. At times it feels like both of them will just burst into thousands of pieces. I just figured out something about this water retention thing. I will start taking 300 mg of Colace (docusate sodium) which works by drawing water from the body into the intestine and garbage to soften it up. Maybe that will help a bit with this uncomfortable feeling of wanting to go number one, but nothing is coming out for minutes, and when It comes out it is not fully released because I still have an urge to urinate. I believe Lyrica is messing me up big time, because ever since I started using it I started having this faster weight gain and higher water retention than when I was only on opiates and benzo, but Lyrica helps mask the painful nerve signals to the brain so I will keep on taking it. Now if I could somehow figure out to add Robaxin to the mix without me being like a pancake for most of the day. It is interesting, that is the only medication that I really feel smashing me down when I take it and it take its synergistic action along with other meds in my system. If I took it now on top of Lyrica and clonazepam, I would feel like somebody applied blunt force to my forehead.
Okay, enough for this day. Not sure when I will write again, but this was helpful in a way, because other sites where I write I am unable to share information like this as taboos arise and people generally still do not understand much about chronic pain and mental health problems.
March 12th, 2025
I am sure I am not the only one who is sitting in wee hours of a night with intolerable pain thinking of catching the bus. Not sure what my alternatives are anymore. More opiates, if I were a rich guy. I am so desperate and tired of pain that does not allow me to fall asleep and restore the body so pain is getting worse. Had to count my tablets. The need is more than is prescribed and they do not like prescribing more. I feel like time is coming soon. Yesterday was my niece's birthday and ever since she was born, I did not miss a single one, at least to show up and raise the cheer. I feel like a dead man already by the way things are. Yesterday had to take clonidine in order to avoid taking clonazepam because if I did I would go into territory of taking more than prescribed. Then I go pick up food from me mom's and I am barely driving and listening to her because BP is dropping. Had to open the Tupperware and start munching on chicken wings to wake myself up a little so I can get home. Clonidine at the lowest dose is not doing much, maybe for a few hours and then it is gone. In desperation, I am taking ibuprofen alongside other meds as I cannot care anymore. I will just take painkiller until I am out and then go onto the streets and find some fent and microdose it if possible. I have fent strips. They started selling them at CVS pharmacies so I can check the purity of a drug. How eugenic of our government. Get us hooked and then killed and it is all good. I am a number that health insurance is covering for doctors' visits and numerous tastings and scans. Even though I am on opiates, I went number two three times which triggered my irrational side of the brain thinking I might have started bleeding because when I was in ICU for my GI bleed one of the hospitalists said that blood is the best laxative. How comforting (sarcasm). I thought it might be from the ibuprofen as those NSAIDs have warning for bleeding and ulceration which I both had in the past for reason unknown because I did not use NSAIDs nor had h. pylori. Okay, getting smashed. Took oxy close to cloni so I am going to lay down and maybe I never wake up into this painful existence.
I am sure I am not the only one who is sitting in wee hours of a night with intolerable pain thinking of catching the bus. Not sure what my alternatives are anymore. More opiates, if I were a rich guy. I am so desperate and tired of pain that does not allow me to fall asleep and restore the body so pain is getting worse. Had to count my tablets. The need is more than is prescribed and they do not like prescribing more. I feel like time is coming soon. Yesterday was my niece's birthday and ever since she was born, I did not miss a single one, at least to show up and raise the cheer. I feel like a dead man already by the way things are. Yesterday had to take clonidine in order to avoid taking clonazepam because if I did I would go into territory of taking more than prescribed. Then I go pick up food from me mom's and I am barely driving and listening to her because BP is dropping. Had to open the Tupperware and start munching on chicken wings to wake myself up a little so I can get home. Clonidine at the lowest dose is not doing much, maybe for a few hours and then it is gone. In desperation, I am taking ibuprofen alongside other meds as I cannot care anymore. I will just take painkiller until I am out and then go onto the streets and find some fent and microdose it if possible. I have fent strips. They started selling them at CVS pharmacies so I can check the purity of a drug. How eugenic of our government. Get us hooked and then killed and it is all good. I am a number that health insurance is covering for doctors' visits and numerous tastings and scans. Even though I am on opiates, I went number two three times which triggered my irrational side of the brain thinking I might have started bleeding because when I was in ICU for my GI bleed one of the hospitalists said that blood is the best laxative. How comforting (sarcasm). I thought it might be from the ibuprofen as those NSAIDs have warning for bleeding and ulceration which I both had in the past for reason unknown because I did not use NSAIDs nor had h. pylori. Okay, getting smashed. Took oxy close to cloni so I am going to lay down and maybe I never wake up into this painful existence.
Very Late March 15th, 2025
Medical mafia. I've sent a note to my PCP that I am noticing slight edema (swelling) in both of my feet and joints. He is saying lift them up and if that does not work, he wants to send me to cardiologist. But he did not for a slight moment ever think that it might be from Lyrica (edema is listed as one of the side effects) I have been taking twice a day 150 mg for two weeks now. I have also gained almost 20 pounds in less than a month. So, I think my time is up so I am going to have a fun until I am done. I will get wasted each moment I can by doping myself with oxycodone and sedative for relaxation. When I run out, I will walk the streets with a 20-dollar bill looking a fentanyl to snort and go out chasing a dragon. It really hit me when I read his answer today how thy all stick together and never take blame for anything. From experience, I now know for sure that hospitalist and GI back in February of 2022 made a mistake to put me on two anti-biotics for ten days twice a day even though I did not have pylori. I could have been sent home with pantoprazole and Sucralfate to heal my ulcer. Since my dentist gave me anti-biotic couple of days ago, I am noticing how it is killing good with bad, so I am popping probiotic twice a day, morning and night, to offset kill off. Even though, I am on am opiate, I am having loose stools, well guess what, there are side effect of this anti-biotic that can be deadly. I am taking them because he saw inflammation at my teeth and this antibiotic is used for those purposes, but one of the side effects is deadly, I don't want to open Wikipedia now, it is called clindamycin.
Medical mafia. I've sent a note to my PCP that I am noticing slight edema (swelling) in both of my feet and joints. He is saying lift them up and if that does not work, he wants to send me to cardiologist. But he did not for a slight moment ever think that it might be from Lyrica (edema is listed as one of the side effects) I have been taking twice a day 150 mg for two weeks now. I have also gained almost 20 pounds in less than a month. So, I think my time is up so I am going to have a fun until I am done. I will get wasted each moment I can by doping myself with oxycodone and sedative for relaxation. When I run out, I will walk the streets with a 20-dollar bill looking a fentanyl to snort and go out chasing a dragon. It really hit me when I read his answer today how thy all stick together and never take blame for anything. From experience, I now know for sure that hospitalist and GI back in February of 2022 made a mistake to put me on two anti-biotics for ten days twice a day even though I did not have pylori. I could have been sent home with pantoprazole and Sucralfate to heal my ulcer. Since my dentist gave me anti-biotic couple of days ago, I am noticing how it is killing good with bad, so I am popping probiotic twice a day, morning and night, to offset kill off. Even though, I am on am opiate, I am having loose stools, well guess what, there are side effect of this anti-biotic that can be deadly. I am taking them because he saw inflammation at my teeth and this antibiotic is used for those purposes, but one of the side effects is deadly, I don't want to open Wikipedia now, it is called clindamycin.
March16th, 2025
Still alive. What a shame. There is no god, there is no justice, there is no happiness on the planet. Why out of millions of bullets and thousands of grenades fired none hit me. Why none of the car accidents have not killed. My, mother, why you have not aborted me? I am sad beyond and sadness. I am in pain beyond any pain - 24/7. PCP is a sack of shit. He thinks edema is from my heart never to consider it is from Lyrica along the weight gain. No problem. I give up, I want to die anyhow. I will continue taking poison until it kills me. Wonderful. It is not instantaneous, but when it come, it will be. I know for I have died; at least I know it will be wonderful on the other side. Yeah. Hopefully by tonight I am gone and I do not care anymore what happens with the corpse called full, born over forty years ago. Why would it matter when I am dead.
Still alive. What a shame. There is no god, there is no justice, there is no happiness on the planet. Why out of millions of bullets and thousands of grenades fired none hit me. Why none of the car accidents have not killed. My, mother, why you have not aborted me? I am sad beyond and sadness. I am in pain beyond any pain - 24/7. PCP is a sack of shit. He thinks edema is from my heart never to consider it is from Lyrica along the weight gain. No problem. I give up, I want to die anyhow. I will continue taking poison until it kills me. Wonderful. It is not instantaneous, but when it come, it will be. I know for I have died; at least I know it will be wonderful on the other side. Yeah. Hopefully by tonight I am gone and I do not care anymore what happens with the corpse called full, born over forty years ago. Why would it matter when I am dead.
Is there really no way that doctors can help you ? Do you have zero thing you love ?
If I say I understand you will probably get really angry , I am not blaming and I know you're exhausted , maybe you will hate reading this too
But don't you think you're the one putting so much pain on yourself ? The pain you could save yourself from . I am not saying you haven't tried neither am I saying addiction is any easy game . On top of it all the fact you view yourself like this is surely not helping .
I don't think I have it in me to help you. I am no psychologist. I am no professional and I don't know you enough to get to the root of the problem.
Someone once said to me I shouldn't help people because I can guide them into the wrong direction since I am struggling myself .
To an extent that's true , anyways why am I telling you this
I don't know if you will even read this
Not manipulating , no gaslighting
Maybe you didn't wanted a response anyways
I just want to say there is someone on this planet who does care . Maybe it doesn't matter . Maybe it sounds fake . Yea it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't fix your pain . It won't make you realise you matter because you have it set in your mind that you don't and obviously life have been so cruel that it has been proved so many times .
I don't know
Maybe this all is fucked up
Maybe you will feel worse reading this
I just really really wish I could have healed you I just can't
I hope you live and your suffering end
Maybe it's stupid to say
Well I am stupid then I guess
If I say I understand you will probably get really angry , I am not blaming and I know you're exhausted , maybe you will hate reading this too
But don't you think you're the one putting so much pain on yourself ? The pain you could save yourself from . I am not saying you haven't tried neither am I saying addiction is any easy game . On top of it all the fact you view yourself like this is surely not helping .
I don't think I have it in me to help you. I am no psychologist. I am no professional and I don't know you enough to get to the root of the problem.
Someone once said to me I shouldn't help people because I can guide them into the wrong direction since I am struggling myself .
To an extent that's true , anyways why am I telling you this
I don't know if you will even read this
Not manipulating , no gaslighting
Maybe you didn't wanted a response anyways
I just want to say there is someone on this planet who does care . Maybe it doesn't matter . Maybe it sounds fake . Yea it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't fix your pain . It won't make you realise you matter because you have it set in your mind that you don't and obviously life have been so cruel that it has been proved so many times .
I don't know
Maybe this all is fucked up
Maybe you will feel worse reading this
I just really really wish I could have healed you I just can't
I hope you live and your suffering end
Maybe it's stupid to say
Well I am stupid then I guess
Thanks for the good wishes but life has been uncoupling from me for the past thirty years. It's just to complex to explain why, but I was born under 25% lucky and 75% shitty star. Now that I have crossed into my forties everything has gone to shit. My family has proven time and time again that I am shit. Yes. they will feed me, or do things, but none of those that will actually help me. For others like you, I can't have any beef. You are trying, but it's not working my friend. You and I can talk until I expire and nothing will change. I surrendered my life to wrong people, and they destroyed this body. I wish I have signed Do Not Resuscitate orders back in February of 2022 so they would let me die instead of beating me back into life and after that medical community pretty much fucked me over and over again. Even the last message from my doctor is that it is not them but me. Same thing when I speak to my psychologist, she makes a face, because she is part of that community and i have researched so many things in the past three years, medical journals, trials and other things related to medications and conditions I have been into. If I had strength, I would literally dig my own grave out of spite just to say to all of them "here, you don't even have to do this for me. the only thing for you to do is push me in there". But nobody would care in that case either. So, I can wait for a moment, to be biologically done again and do not call ER/ EMTs and let myself go to the other side. Fuck this planet and fuck this world. This site is filled with stories of suffering, and a lot of that suffering is manmade, be it of our own accord or mostly from others. We live in hell.
I'm sorry you are going through all this pain @full You have helped me in the past commenting on my thread and I really appreciated it. I wish I had some wise words of comfort for you. Maybe this is hell, but we have each other, and that counts for something, and your SF family care about you. I hope my words don't sound hollow, it's so hard to know what to say but all I can do is acknowledge you and say I wish things were better for you.
