Tidbitsitsybityspider
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In a desperation, I caved. Missed couple of doses of famotidine and took Elavil. For the first few hours everything seemed fine but then the muscles started getting stiff, tense and achy. Even went to my sis place last night to give me some Motrin to help with pain killing. By the time all that was taken care of my stomach was brutally honest with me that at one moment I leaned over bathroom sink expecting to throw up acid . Took some carafate instead of famotidine until Elavil is out of the body, has a long half life. That's a nail in a coffin for all kind of anti-depressants as I tried them from all groups and it appears I have enough serotonin - my depresh is not from lack of that chemical but huge amount of bad memories I am carrying inside. I honestly don't know what to do. There is an option for acupuncture, massages and simmilar alternative options but for now I do not have anyone to take me those places. I should have enogh opiates until next script to at least not go into a withdrawal. My "Onwards!" is kind of weak today, but deep down I want to get better (damn it), so, onwards!
Hi, the only medication that might mask depression somewhat is the one I am taking for anxiety and uncintrolable body movements and stiffness, clonazepam, and oxycodone, painkiller has to a degree anti-deoressant effects on me. Any other anti-depressant I habe tried in the past year and a half messes up too much with my body-mind wiring.
I am trting talk therapy and have changed my schedule with therapists agreement to once weekly so we can do EMDR more often and hopefully that way brain resetlles traumatic memori3s and emotional charges and light will becom closer and stronger. I've died and went on the other side, and while it was traumatic the lead on to nybclinical death, once I was gone itnwas beautiful and after that it is very hard to get immerssed into imagination of everyday life and expect anything better, because death is a relief of all suffering we exoerience and believe me there is no nostalgia abut family or friends, what to speak of possessions and mountains of experiences. I'll see how it goes. Thank you for reading and advice π
I am trting talk therapy and have changed my schedule with therapists agreement to once weekly so we can do EMDR more often and hopefully that way brain resetlles traumatic memori3s and emotional charges and light will becom closer and stronger. I've died and went on the other side, and while it was traumatic the lead on to nybclinical death, once I was gone itnwas beautiful and after that it is very hard to get immerssed into imagination of everyday life and expect anything better, because death is a relief of all suffering we exoerience and believe me there is no nostalgia abut family or friends, what to speak of possessions and mountains of experiences. I'll see how it goes. Thank you for reading and advice π
Even though I feel hope is deep down, I am becoming aware I jave stopped looking for a solution. Am in the process of waiting the most recent medication to exit my body in order to try something else for pain. I habe researched on internet and found that pregablin is good for all different kinds of pain and has a bonus that some people reported reduction of anxiety. Also found it that it is not a cure but it masks the problem (simmilar to opiates), telling the brain that pain is not there which is pretty much a lalaland medication. But as Christmas and New Year are approaching and for the past four years, due to pain and suffering cause of it I missed family and friends gatherings, I sent a message to my provider to prescribe it to me to have at least a few comfortable days where I won't be in a struggle in between the doses as pregablin can augment the effects of oxycodone. Hopefully doc will understand and send script in so I get some respite from this not so hukan existance anymore. Yesterday, Ensure spilled on my carpet and I did not habe strenght to go gather cleaning supplies and clean it. Now there is another stain and a few drops maros on the wall in addition to other stains from simmilar occasions and dirty dishes are piling up again. In desperation I am gulpping ibuprofen which is no-no for my stomach lining but when it starts hurting I will just bless it with some carafate. December has not been a good month for my health for a very long time now.
Thanks @Angie and @Congratsbaby π€β€οΈ
There is a good book for grumpies like me I've read many moons ago in my late teens "Knjiga ΕΎalbi" (Book od grieviences) by Momo Kapor.Have no clue if it was ever translated into into English, or any other language for that matter. I won't start a book, but just a mild rant. Day before yesterday and yesterday were incrediblly hard on the body. My PCP wants to kill me in an inhumane way. Even though I've requested additional med for fibro and they prescribed it I was walled by the combo of all the downers which more then likely affected sleep apnea which I know I have but am unable to go to a clinic for a night to have it officially cinfirmed and then get either CPAP or something for it, so my head was exploding yesterday. I've tried tylenol, Fioricet, ibuprofen, until I just hopelessly laid on a bed losing my mind and texted me sis that I went insane and am unable to tolarate life anymore without any expectation for her to call or come over, just give her heads up that I might kill myself. Then I started dosing myself with oxycodone amd clonazepam on as needed basis so I can at least be out of pain but able to breathe. In the meantime had to, out of my immaturity, instead of ignoring BS he is spewing at members of community, get into spat with him, member of blogger community, inviting him to come to my place to medicate him because he has frustrations and problems he is taking on others. He is not aware he has a problem nor does he ever reads/comprehands what few of us are writing to him but gives himself right to slander and accuse others without proof. Anyhow, I am sorry I have never accepted any of Z.'s wild plans for making money, most of them criminal but no violance involved, just schemes and roberries. I am getting low on oxycodone again and this time around 1) am not counting pills and 2) am not sure I will be able to score any legit oxycodone or percocet to carry me through to the next prescription. The thing is that oxycodone has no side effects except constipation which can be cleared once a week with some good magnesium laxative. About 10 fl. oz. has appx 1.7 grams of it and it works like a charm with loads of dhiarrea at first and regular stool towards the end of cleanse. Colace docusate sodium is a waste of money if other saline or osmotic laxative is not involved. Lyrica on the other side, while it helps with pain in my extremeties gives me chest pressure and makes me wanna take clonazepam as uncomfortable sensation turns into anxiety and then the compounding of downers makes feel like I am fighting for my life, not to mention abnormal hunger increase while I do not have appetite for anything. So I think fuck it, YOLO, I will take this jump, dose as needed while medications last and then knock on doors for percocets, or try using benzos, gabapentin, high doses of vit C as sodium ascorbate and 800 IU of vit E to ease withdrawal pains. If it does not work, I will go streight for some fentanyl and considering my mental and financial state expire within a few short weeks, if not just a minutes because even veteran users are dying of accidental ODs left and right. Sis did come over and listend and allowed me to speak my book of griviences out loud and it helpped to a degree but I continue dosing myself. There is no high, no pleasure, just a relief that I can get up and even take a trash out and get a 20 minutes walk in a brisk night. Sis says I am expecting from people too much. For her, for her kids and her hubby, for my mother, I would give my organs. If they need a rib, lung, heart, whatever, rip it away from me and help them. That is my human code of life. Same I'd do for my one true friend. However, neither my sis, nor my mom would do that for me. I can see their faces just looking at me fading "oh well, it rips us apart inside but sacrifice do not expect. Couple of weeks back when friend of mine brought me extra oxy was sitting on the same couch as sis last night and told me: don't expect anything from people. To me, it's like saying - be an island. Then why the fuck are we born together and off of each other then to be there for one another? TBC (my attention span is fucked up)
Hey..I am genuinely sorry that you're going through so much. You going through so much, me saying sorry doesn't fix it right, I know and maybe it also sounds well planned but I truly feel bad and I wish I could erase your pain. You're going through a lot, everyday. Your feelings, they are valid. I feel this too, and then I question am I actually expecting too much? I think the people who are willing to do everything for other people when not returned the same love, it does feel really strange. I am not quite aware what are your expectations out of people but for them to be emotionally available is okay. Maybe the people you are asking aren't emotionally available. Yes you should not emotionally dump people on a regular basis, but when someone is going through a difficult time it is completely okay. To be honest, with me emotionally dumping is fine as well as long as the other person is willing to acknowledge my efforts for them and they doing the same for me. But I get it, everyone is different. People don't like emotional dumping and that makes sense because it can get really unhealthy very easily. Because your stage is constant, to have someone be there for you.. that does make sense. However, not everyone is like you or me and that could be difficult to digest. I, at times, may struggle to be there for my people as well. I know you have heard it a thousand times but try to be there for your own self. See, as much as it sucks. This is the world and it's so sad.. but it's just what it is. I think it hurts you more because you expect, I hope you will reach a position where you would only expect from someone who will do it. The world is strange and ironic in a lot of ways. Crazy