Tidbitsitsybityspider

Todays me was filling paperwork for SSI and such a tash is hard, the questions on there made me feel worthless and incapable of ever being what I used to be,, functioning human being, both mentally amd psycally. Came the mome t when I jad to say godby to me sanoty for whatever was left. Desperate with no abimity of support from those around me feeling alone im a this mebtal drsolate place. Took me guitar yoped the gains and reverbs and let the cobfussion out. Got these instrume ts as a step towards music therapy but thos time around I am empty. Still, year after cardiac arrest and massive GI bleed I am fucking enpty, everything seems empty and eve the small moments I'd like to enjoy unable to to physical or mental pains. Feeling like I am nearing that point of no return and switch will turn and off I might go. I still will go on auto pilot for now and let the primal surivaval insitict of body cellls to carry this form even though it is becomimg very tiring on all levels. CPR pushed my chakras and center somewhere aside, I am just not the man, the person I used to be. Resiliancy and stress managment among the fires no longer are in me. The only thing I can sta focused on for hours is compulsive bullet chess playing, that is all. Everything is a struggle, and I play that stupid chess to forget hurt and pain but when I try to be calm nist bothing comes everuthing is hollow. Fuck.

Sorry for all that you're having to go through right now. If I had the specific words or advice that would help you to pull yourself away from this dark abyss, then of course it'll be yours for you to take. All I can offer are my thoughts and well wishes for you to be able to continue tapping into that primal survival instinct, to locate that inner resilience to see you through these dark times.

Wishing you strength brother.

Thank you brother, it was a fucking disaster yesterday am going nuts, had to let it out somewhere, and thank you for reading. Even though still in pain mentally am a bit better. We'll see where the instinct take this dream to.

Glad that you mentioned to let it out. Always good to vent because you know how it is - better out than in.
You mentioning about where that instinct will take this dream to. Hopefully towards calmer waters. Going back to that primal sense of survival which you talked about in your opening post, well that's something which I've often referred to as that inner bastard. Once unleashed, that sense of defeat can be fucked right off the menu.

Hahaha, always with the best memes and messages Sir Ash, heck yeah! So true. I am fighting another day. Today physical therapy kicked me in every single muscle and bone could not move but then just doped meself with some paracetamol and oxycodone and was already able to be mobile to at least get some food from me mom's. Thank you for being you and the way you are here helping us.

Keep hanging on, my friend

<3 You are so wonderful, thank you rabitts, right back at ya! (hug)

So pain continues. I really wanna die. Oxycodone is just a patch, as soon as it stops working pain is there and then f'ing constipation from oxycod9ne makes it even worse. And round it goes, I am getting tired of life like this.

Yeah I hear you man. Oxycodone as with other painkillers just temporarily masks the pain without actually dealing with the fucker that is the root cause of it all.

That constipation as you're probably aware is one of the common side effects of opiods. As is a change in routine as that can disrupt bowel habits. Increasing your fluid intake (water, fresh juices) as well as eating more fresh fruit and veg can help. Pharmacologically, stimulant and or osmotic laxatives can help to manage this issue so it could be worth having a word with your doctor about this. It's usual for them to prescribe these as add ons so worth seeing what they say.

And that is the frustrating part. For example, some chronic pains are legit, we know where they coming from and what to do. There is a particular pain that numerous doctors, nurses, were just not able to figure out. And no matter how many pills they give me I take it is not being sovled so I end up taking oxycodone.

Funny thing is, I took osmotic laxativ, miralax, and that fucker actually they before yesterday started havoc in my got. Fuck it. Thank you for being here and for advice. Hopefully the physical therapy, once I completed will address most of the ailments so I take oxycodone just when nothing else works. I will for sure add some prunes and figs into my diet again.

That happens more often than not as you can probably guess, medics not having a clue as to what the fuck is going on and so ending up checking shit the patient's way in the hope that something will work. Fuck man, years ago I had this doc come running up to me saying he urgently needs a GTN spray and some Gaviscon. He then went on to say that he currenrly had this patient where he's not sure if he had severe dyspepsia or was having a cardio event so he wanted to cover both bases..... Fucking legend

That micralax can do that at times so it might be worth trying a more gentle alternative. Yeah, prunes and figs should hopefully help as well as whole grains as opposed to white amongst other things.

I like Ducalex liquid. It allows me to get very specific about the dose I take.

Indeed, one of the nurses told me they can do all the scans and everything and still not figure out what is wrong, the only thing is I am the one left with an f'ing pain which at times really makes me want to die right there and then. Will take a note of those whole grains, should be fairly easy to supplement the processed ones I use currently. And about that doctor, up until recently I had like a mini pharmacy at home, they were just throwing shit at me with medicine approved for and off-label, it was nuts until I decided to throw more than half of it out. As one of the papers I was filling out when getting ready to be seen for physical therapy they say medicine is not an exact science so yeah, probably happens more often than I thought.

Thank you so much for this, I will probably try to order some on amazon as it really makes sense to dose it based on how my bowels react to it.

Its actually spelled Dulcolax

Ty, got it. Already ordered some on amazon.

There certainly can be many factors that needs to be considered if treating an individual is to be effective . In practice, it seems to be more of a scattergun approach rather than tailor made or holistic care that's actually seen.
Time and effort seems a rare commodity at times

True very true, and I am open to options that some of it might be psychosomathic. Sometimes I wish I was rich. Would be able to go for different opinuons or even move to a diffrrent state or country in order to improve my condition. Deep down, I guess I am staying optimistic that it will pass as my PTSD subsides and pain threshold is built up back again. Thank you!

I've always maintained that one of the keys to managing health conditions of any kind is to retain a sense of optimism as well as pragmatism and acceptance that there will days of utter shite as well as good too. Critically also, is a willingness for the patient to put in an effort themselves instead of just relying on some doc to conjure up some miracle working pill from their arse.

Qualities of resilience that I feel that you possess.

Agreed and from experience it works that way. Step by step there is improvement despite so called setbacks when hard moments come.