So if 24 hours window is one day, first day was down from 16 mg Suboxone to 12 mg. With the help of Tylenol, ibuprofen, Artr8this Cream, white lettuce supplement and 5% lidocaine patches. However, for some reason late at night I took a different brand of white lettuce, capsules instead of pills and it did nothing but upset my stomach so I took some simethicone and carafate solution. Comes midnight and I am starting day 2 with a dose of Suboxone. Hopefully I will be able to wait for second those up until 10 am and then take the last one at 6 pm. So far so good, but friend of mine stopped by for about five or six hours and chatting with him took my mind off of pain. Amazon delivered seeds for white lettuce so I will be researching on how to grow it in order to use the sap from it for pain. The first brand that does not upset my stomach is a weak analgesic amd sedative which helps along with other meds. Yesterday I gave Suboxone 3 out of 5 stars. Tonight I am giving myself 5 out of 5 as I managed 24 hours on 12 mg instead of 16.
Tidbitsitsybityspider
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Jiat a minute ago I was holding this same phone thinking of callimg the police to Baker Act myself. Then the flood of memories from my last stay in there came in opening anothet wound since I was not muself for months after I was discharged after a week where they did not give a fuck but after 5 minuyes of chat w8th psychiatrist was fiven Vreylar for wh8ch then they needed to give me antidote. They were pumping me with Lexapro which made me manic on that last day. Buspar was tried twice and both times I went crazy from it nontheless they sent me home with buspar, Lexaprp amd gabapentin prescriptions. Upon return home they enrolled me into IOP program I could npt attend die to restlessness and psychoatrist from the ward did not know how to help me and my own psychiatrist denounced me because I was under the care of tje facilitiy's psychiatrist who did not know how to help me. I tried going off of Suboxone, bit 1) some other pains returned, 2) body got dependent on it amd it is doinf less and less for my pain. I got a method. Maybe I will endure until Monday when I have scheduled with pain clinic and will ask them for oxycodone because Suboxone was never made for pain mamagement, only for opiate use disorder. Pain clinic is fuck8ng with me. It stays to be seen if they will help me on put the last nail in the coffin. Ibuprofen and Tylenol are useless. In a desperation I am taking white lettuce tablets I got off of Amazon, but that is not made from the sap which has analgesic properties. I do have three bags of poppy seeds and will soak them and see if it does anything; dont have money to by wholesale unwashed poppy seeds which have much more morphine properties on them than the regular ones. So many thoughts are traveling because of this pain. It seems like Suboxone is becoming like ibuprofen and Tylenol. Only buprenotphine without naloxone component might be used for pain but from what I could research it is done seldom ober full acting opiates which are fully angaged with receptors in the body. The lonher I am on Suboxone I am developing urinary retention and hesitancy which seldom happened while I was on oxycodone. Maybe for recreational isers Suboxone tales away cravings but as the time goes on I am craving 15 mg oxycodone more and more. The day has just started and I alrrady had my Suboxone dose, ferrous sulfate for low ferritin, clonazepam, zofran ODT, ibuprofen and white lettuce. It's only Friday. I am not sure of I will last until Monday morning even though my sister promised to give me a ride to pain clinic. I have some things for pawn shop to get some money but pain fucks me. Maybe I will just double up on my sedative, to put me to sleep of possible as benzos are nototiis as alchohol to mess up dreams and sleep especially for us who have been on them for years now. Ok. Tired.
Tapering down off of Suboxone has been slow. The does I find myself comfortable with is 12 mg per day: however, since the pain is not helped by Suboxone I scheduled with pain management for evaluation and treatment, and they are switching me back to Percocet, mid dose since I have been on Suboxone for about two months now and doctor thinks that I became opiate naive again even though on Saturday ER peeps gave me lowest Percocet which made 180 degrees difference. Paing gone. I was able to evacuate, to walk, got my appetite back and make a breakfast. All normal things that during the last month on Suboxone became a struggle. So, until I see a neurosurgeon and see what they have to say full opiate will be for managing the pain. The positive thing is that these days, despite the pain, I got my willpower back to do things along the way like taking the trash out, cleaning apartment, going to appointments, washing dishes and taking walks whenever possible. The last time I achieved the best, over 8,000 steps in a day was actually while I was on Percocet, so I am hoping now that the threshold has been lowered by being on Suboxone that I will be able to speed up my recovery and align my energies towards return to work and finally feeling full joys of life, be it going to a local 1.7 mile trail in a park 15 minutes away from my place or peacefully sitting on a porch with my friends without fidgeting from pain. In a way I am disappointed Suboxone was not able to help with my aches and pains because my mind is much clearer on it then on full opiate. But being in constant pain when OTC meds are doing nothing but damaging my stomach lining and tasking liver, it gets too tiring. I think this is for the best. At least I do not have suicidal ideations and that has been a goal for years now, to get out of that rut. Today was a second day in row that I was able to be there for somebody else and helped them out and it makes a huge difference in my feelings of self worth because I have always found satisfaction in being able to be there for others in a manner they need me.
Seems like I have gone crazy. I cannot figure out if these Percocet tablets are blanks or body is so much loaded with Suboxone that is still blocking effect of full opiate even though it has been more than 60 hours from the last Suboxone dose. Maybe Percocet dose is not enough. Internal thermometer has gone astray, hot, cold, do not have remote control for AC so am getting up every so often to change from heating to cooling. Shaking like crazy, Klonopin is not helping much. I guess, deep rooted desire to vanish is yielding results, am shitting and pissing everywhere in the flat, some dropping I clean, some leave, it does not matter anymore. My mind is gone. Ego deflated, no need for anything anymore, just waiting final moment and observing. Does even matter if it will be sooner or later, I don't care anymore. Anyhow, I was born to experience more suffering and misery then joy. Next one is isolation and voila. Hopefully shovels or crematorium are ready. Do not care whatsoever what anybody will feel anything. It is all for nothing anyhow in these dimensions. Higher ones are much more fun, not requiring complexity of mental-body wiring. Adios.
Anchors of physical de0rndence are dictating my waking, eating, digestion and overall mivements. I need those chenicals but they are just delaying inevitable - intolerable pain, physical and mental. Mental I should be able to keep in check, but physical not sure. All this switching from oxy to subotex to percocet to suboxone and back to percocet and then suboxone with uneducated MD's dosing and frequency fucked at least half a year. I've started dental work in hopes to heal those wounds to prevent poison traveling downstream hence helpping overall body in healing and tasking itself in cleaning trash that comes from my mouth but lately I am unable to go for walks nor keep up appointments. Oxy is running low and I got couple of days worth through connections and hoping I will get more in a week or so and have my MD at least put me on a theraputic schedule if not dosing so WDs don't wake me up and cripple my movements. NSAIDs are def off the table unless I have a death wish (which I don't at this time). I just want to be, that's all. I don't need new experiences except to be left alone by physical pain and mental turbulence. If those wishes can be granted, I'd accept another hundred years of this planet. I've made deals to be here as it is, now I am seeking amendments to that deal. I know it is not big ask but I'll see tomorrow how it goes.
The last time I jave felt this alone was nack in February of 2023 while in ICU traveling between lofe and death. Everything made a full circle and yet I am not ready to face the music. Popped extra klonopin to calm me down. I am not suitable candidate anymore for full opiates as am running through the script sooner than tefill dates and am back on Suboxone I stashed away and hipefully pain clinic prescribes more as that is the only one I do not use nore than prescribed even though it did not control all the physical pain. But tonight is different. This lonliness is colder than the coldest winter night; it's more hurtful than father's suocide and years spent in a war zone. In retrospect I am seeing a lonely man and the only thing happening is shaking. For what have I been born I fail to understand. Seems like nihilistic nothingness. God help me.
Yesterday by far was one of the hardest days as far as escaping physical pain. The left9ver suboxone I have to spread until pain clinic apptmnt is not helpping much and pain is so strong that it sends heart rate and BP up. I tried to just lay down but it became too much and I took clonidine and some clonazepam to knock me out which it did for a short time after which I took Seroquel and slept for about four hours and continued knocking myself out with benzos and one more dose of Clonidine. The way of thinking is becoming like I am an island and it would be okay to ctb because it is just me who feels this body. I am thinking about it. I will try to wait to see what pain clinic says but it seems like there was another crack down on doctors as friend of mine told me his friend got his script reduced and heard some of the Publix pharmacies will not dispense scripts over 900 mg oxy /month. Maybe another push is being made to weed out all of us in chronic pain as I am seriously considering escaping pain by leaving this body. Thank God for SF so I can vent out this way as lately I cant talk much because of pain and anxiety so it is easier to write it out instead of calling a helpline.