Back to rock bottom
- Thread starter Inastorm
- Start date
Been a bit of an odd week. Sent an email to the missing person telling them about my personality disorder diagnosis and the unofficial autism diagnosis. I think I wanted them to know in the hope that it might make a difference to how they view me, process me. They were unhappy with me amongst other things, for not being able to have lengthy deep meaningful conversations. I struggle with deep meaningful conversations, where my thoughts tend to be quite short about a particular subject but the emotional feeling might be quite a lot. This is just one thing I'm recounting but there were lots of areas. I think I wanting to be accepted.
I'm just really missing my friend.
I'm just really missing my friend.
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It's Sunday and I'm struggling with the relationship breakdown, as I am pretty much am most of the time. Certain days trigger memories which in turn make me feel rubbish. I am not thinking purely poor me and it's all about me, I'm sure or suspect they are having there own process and times they are feeling sad about things.
As it's Sunday, this is a day we would have a nice fried breakfast, usually a sausage, spinach, crumpet or toast and an egg. Saturdays were a big sandwich day and Friday night was horror movie night.
I wish they would reach out and contact me (as I have been doing), rather than blanking me, as it feels like im dead to them, like I dont exist - I miss my friend.
As it's Sunday, this is a day we would have a nice fried breakfast, usually a sausage, spinach, crumpet or toast and an egg. Saturdays were a big sandwich day and Friday night was horror movie night.
I wish they would reach out and contact me (as I have been doing), rather than blanking me, as it feels like im dead to them, like I dont exist - I miss my friend.
Its kind of fascinating to step out of yourself and to watch what is happening to yourself.
Was just doing some research on it and its called 'interoception' that helps individuals perceive and interpret signals originating from their bodies.
This is something i am not good at and its only happens sometimes and suddenly. For example i will suddenly notice how thirsty i am because i havent had a drink for 12 hours. Also i generally struggle with emotions anyway, as i feel a lot, i just sometimes dont understand what 'what' is.
Anyway ive just kind of stepped out of myself and its like ill vibrating, like a big pulsating person, lots of color and light. Im not sure if this person is about to explore but it looks like that.
Side note, im on my lunch break and someone in the office keeps talking to me. I have this thing about the term 'break' being absent, disconnected. Anyway, i prefer to have an undisturbed break time.
Getting back to my out of body point, i think ill do some research to tap into my feelings a bit better.
The way im feeling about the missing person is a bit like a stomach on the floor without its body, whaling and crying out to be put back into its body, it looks like a baby crying, looking helpless and insecure.
I feel things very deeply and intensely, i dont think the missing person really knew that, they always thought i was emotionless and cold, as they would tell me this.
I felt bad last summer as they bought me a pair of mr grumpy slippers, which i didnt really wear. I think they took this as a kind of rejection. It wasnt, i was just a bit upset of the mr grumpy. I can take a joke but these kind of comments has always bothered me. I think its because i dont really understand these things about myself and i want to be accepted. Anyway i felt bad and it wasnt a rejection.
Another thing i did which i felt bad about was i committed that i found their perfume too strong. I wasnt meaning to sound like a dick but i think this was another rejection. I had liked it years ago but they hadnt worn it was a long time and when they did start wearing it again i found it overpowering. I wish i had been more sensitive.
They had also said they had lost weight to me and one of the first things i said was 'are you going to do some weights to tone up now', which upset them. Again i didnt mean to sound insensitive as they look amazing, but i hadnt said that either.
My communication has always been awful and i get stressed out by some reactions people have towards me, as i dont understand why sometimes. I dont mean to be a dick.
Anyway:
Sorry i didnt appreciate the slipper gift, they were a nice thought.
Sorry i was insensitive regarding your perfume and your weight loss. I think you look amazing and smell nice. I had a scarf of yours i would smell, as it still had your smell on.
I miss you deeply beyond.
Was just doing some research on it and its called 'interoception' that helps individuals perceive and interpret signals originating from their bodies.
This is something i am not good at and its only happens sometimes and suddenly. For example i will suddenly notice how thirsty i am because i havent had a drink for 12 hours. Also i generally struggle with emotions anyway, as i feel a lot, i just sometimes dont understand what 'what' is.
Anyway ive just kind of stepped out of myself and its like ill vibrating, like a big pulsating person, lots of color and light. Im not sure if this person is about to explore but it looks like that.
Side note, im on my lunch break and someone in the office keeps talking to me. I have this thing about the term 'break' being absent, disconnected. Anyway, i prefer to have an undisturbed break time.
Getting back to my out of body point, i think ill do some research to tap into my feelings a bit better.
The way im feeling about the missing person is a bit like a stomach on the floor without its body, whaling and crying out to be put back into its body, it looks like a baby crying, looking helpless and insecure.
I feel things very deeply and intensely, i dont think the missing person really knew that, they always thought i was emotionless and cold, as they would tell me this.
I felt bad last summer as they bought me a pair of mr grumpy slippers, which i didnt really wear. I think they took this as a kind of rejection. It wasnt, i was just a bit upset of the mr grumpy. I can take a joke but these kind of comments has always bothered me. I think its because i dont really understand these things about myself and i want to be accepted. Anyway i felt bad and it wasnt a rejection.
Another thing i did which i felt bad about was i committed that i found their perfume too strong. I wasnt meaning to sound like a dick but i think this was another rejection. I had liked it years ago but they hadnt worn it was a long time and when they did start wearing it again i found it overpowering. I wish i had been more sensitive.
They had also said they had lost weight to me and one of the first things i said was 'are you going to do some weights to tone up now', which upset them. Again i didnt mean to sound insensitive as they look amazing, but i hadnt said that either.
My communication has always been awful and i get stressed out by some reactions people have towards me, as i dont understand why sometimes. I dont mean to be a dick.
Anyway:
Sorry i didnt appreciate the slipper gift, they were a nice thought.
Sorry i was insensitive regarding your perfume and your weight loss. I think you look amazing and smell nice. I had a scarf of yours i would smell, as it still had your smell on.
I miss you deeply beyond.
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Had the worse dream, another one, daily. But this one was partiulary bad. I was with the missing person, well they were in a flat in this building and i was flying, like a bird in the air. I was trying to find a way in the building but couldnt and i was getting more and more distressed. I woke up and felt rubbish. I have my therapist tomorrow. I struggled to get up earlier, felt really bad. Feeling hopeless.
Im feeling okayish today, which i havent thought or said for a long time.
Im still missing elements of the missing person. I used to take them swimming on a Saturday morning, where i liked the routine.
I dont understand why things had to go so nuts over last summer last winter.
Ive been considering the possible maybe autism diagnosis and yes im coming round and relating to it.
Im still missing elements of the missing person. I used to take them swimming on a Saturday morning, where i liked the routine.
I dont understand why things had to go so nuts over last summer last winter.
Ive been considering the possible maybe autism diagnosis and yes im coming round and relating to it.
I saw something that reminded me of you. It was on Amazon. A gigantic stuffed goose. Up to 75 inches long. Rather flat. Made to lie with on the floor or cuddle with in bed. Was hard to resist buying, but I did resist. I sure wish you could get your stuffy back. Your friend is being a real jerk about it.