Back to rock bottom

Thanks, technically it's her stuffy as I bought it for her as a gift. But yes I had him in my life for a long time by default and I do miss him - but he was always meant as comfort for her not me.

Hope your doing okay yourself.

Having a mixture of feelings today. Had nasty nightmares again this morning and woke up late, feeling a bit crap.

Got on with what needs to be done in the house, DIY plastering. Not done it before, so I watched a youtube video and got on.

Sitting here missing my friend but also annoyed with them and annoyed with myself. I think 'what the fuck' most days, still I'm not really grasping what's happened and why, just all seems to be very mental on lot's of different levels.

I'm feeling sad.

Another poem for my friend, i am missing them:


When you left i fell down

Head first into the mud

And while i managed to stand back up

The fall has left me with grit in my eyes

Everything is sore to see, sore to look at my surroundings

I can function but i stagger and sway, holding my hands out in front of me at times, as if im going to fall again

I look for your hand but it is not there any more

And if i fall again, i know i can get back up

but even if i rub my eyes, i can never get rid of the grit

I just dont know what Im doing really, where I am feeling a mixture of longing for my friend, annoyed with them at the same time. I obviously. didnt mean anything to them for them to do what they have done to me and treat me this way. Unless of course they feel totally justified and feel its me thats treated them badly and ive been in the wrong. I suspect that is the case. I just dont understand.

i sent them an email telling them that the doctor has diagnosed pd and that unofficially he thinks i am autistic. They are doing the autism assessment in November.

i thought the email might make them see that when they would say 'my words and actions dont add up', then they might see its to do with the autism/ pd and not that i am doing all these mental things that they thought was doing.

Im also getting sick of always correcting my spelling mistakes, because im dyslexic. Im going to start for leaving the mistakes as is. It takes so much effect to correct them all the time.

I wrote out another email i want to send to my friend but im worried as i dont want to come across like im hassling them. Its been 2 1/2 weeks since i sent them an email. So i dont know if i should wait or not.

its just such a horrible feeling with the way they have disconnected from me, just like a big bang in the end and its almost like they have been abducted or something, just disappearing.

The last time i saw them was very mental and intense but we agreed to see each other in 12 weeks but then nothing really. A couple of bizarre emails which i dont really understand.

Im looping again, just not coping with how thet have done this, its really unfair on me, espically with everything I supported them with. I just miss them so much and i keep looping and it wont stop. Nothing is getting any easier, its like this happened yesterday but it happen last febuary. I miss them so much.

Loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop loop, its kind of like a self torture method, or like a dripping tap. I dont know how much more i can cope with this. Im also having thoughts of why im be treated like this, which is making me feel like a piece of crap and the loops and thoughts continue, round and round. I just want my friend back and to work things out.

It was nice last night, I wasn't feeling very good mentally. Then I looked at the kitchen window and there was a big sheep with horns, looked like it was wearing a fur coat from the 1970's as it was all colourful with lots of creams and browns. I went out to say hello and then after the sheep left, within a minute the deer turned up. I went in and got a carrot and fed the deer by hand, it was really funny.

I got up quite late this morning as I was quite tired. Still having the loop thinking about my friend, I feel like a dog those owner has gone out, leaving them in the house and not returned, it's like separation anxiety. Been reading a lot about loop thinking and autism, I'm trying to do all the right things, keeping busy, bit of exercise, eating well. Those I'm pissed off I've put 7lb in weight on, just ordered a few new t-shirts in a size down because I had lost weight.

Got an email ready to send to my friend but I havent sent it yet - I feel paralysed most of the time.

Just wanted to post a about a friend I grew up with, I didnt stay in contact with him when I left for Uni back in the late 1990's. For a few years I would go and see him now and again, it was during my late teenage years. He was a nice guy, I didnt have that many people drawn to me, I dont know why, but most people weren't like eager to hang out with me, but he was really nice to me. Goodbye mate, thanks for being so nice to me growing up - I found out that he died yesterday aged 53.

Sorry to hear about your friend dying @Inastorm

That's awful news. 53 is a young age to die.

I'm glad you had him in your life, but I wish he had been around longer.

Went on a long 10 mile bike ride last evening which was nice. But everything I do, I keep on comparing things to my friend, like I couldnt help but think most of the ride, wouldnt this be nice to do together. I don't know how normal it is to feel like this almost most of the time, to feel so much longing.

And there is no way they will picture me like this, I don't think they will be caring or thinking about me at all, and if they do, I think it will all be negative and superior thinking. I just wish I could get through to them.

I am feeling so sad. I sent them another email, but nothing in reply, this will be me now on a downward spiral, Im so sick of consciously thinking how to be/ have a good set of values, where I make a real effort to be a good human being but it's always been a struggle.

Went out on my push bike for another 10 miles and had an ice cream. While it was nice, just spent the whole time wishing my friend was with me, everything else had no meaning. I think im a zombie now, like the walking dead, no soul.

I wish they knew this.

I'm sorry things are so bad. I hope they can get better somehow.

Im feeling so unhappy. I keep thinking about how much im missing my friend but also thinking about some of the mean things they said to me towards the end.
I just wish we could sort things out, i really struggling with being able to focus on anything else. I just want to die.

Done die

I hope it's going to be better for you soon @Inastorm. (h)

Sorry it's been a tough time for you lately.

Something happened yesterday i wont go into but i am extremely hurt and tumbling into a crisis. I just am not getting the erasing of me by someone else where i dont think i deserve this treatment.

I'm glad you realise you don't deserve it. Sending you my thoughts and strength. You can get through this, even if you have to survive one hour - hell, even 5 minutes - at a time. Just chunk the time and get through the next bit, one chunk at a time. I'm in meetings now but will be thinking of you.