Back to rock bottom

I havent been on the forum for a long time. About 5 years ago, i was struggling with a break up and life changes, as ive had life long depression. Elements of my life got a bit better but as for the relationship break up, we stayed friends and over the last five years kind of became companions. The last year has been mental, we had planned to move to a different area together, i move first but they thought i didnt want them to come with me. My mood was pretty bad with the change and the job was going well. I got very depressed and suicidal, of which they took this cold shoulder as i was interested in someone else and wanted rid of them. They didnt believe how i was feeling. I get it now, they must have been feeling like i was trying to dump them or something. I tried to turn things around but they were convinced someone else was in the picture now. Which there wasnt, as i love them so much, it was just i was struggling and getting cold feet for our move in together. Like i say, once i realised what was going on, it was too late, they just got convinced. And for the next few months i had been trying to repair the damage. We tried to talk about getting back together and got involved again. But they were really preoccupied that i had/ interested in someone else, that most of our conversation were about this. They have completely cut ties with me now. Im devastated, as its been 27 years of a relationship of some kind and im still in love with them. The above is just a shortened version, where i feel ive contributed to her feeling this way, one with my mental health stuff but im also terrible with communication, where i can be my own worse enemy, as i can get defensive and i dont take criticism very well. I am really struggling and just dont think i can get through this one.

You can get back on top again we beleive in you. Take sometime you'll bounce back we got your back

It is so hard. I have not had any relationship issues but my own mental health goes from healthy and slow recovery to basement suicidal ideation. And the down periods come on much faster and easier than the slow repair of feelings and success. You think you’re in the clear and can handle the ups and downs and then all it takes is one event and you’re right back to suicidal ideation.
I know it’s hard. I know it’s tough to think about getting more help or having to struggle all over again against the strong emotions and feelings but the eventual good stuff seems to be worth it.

my friend
When you are at rock bottom there is only one way , up

I'm sorry that you've gone through such a struggle with your relationship.

Do you want advice about what to do? It's ok if you don't. I'm just not sure what kind of responses would be welcome or not.

I hope things can work out.

I'll pray

Try to create new memories i know it's diffcult but the more you do the easier life will be

Thanks for your comments, i like that youll say a pray for me. I think the main problem is im not wanting to let go. I just cant do it, id rather be destroyed by the pain. All im thinking about is how to get back together.
25 years ago we split up for the first time and they got back together with there ex boyfriend. We stayed friends and I stayed in there for a year and she broken up with her boyfriend and we got back together. I know what im like, the main issue is her image of me, I think shes done this out of self defence, as she was convinced someone else was in the picture. Whats sad about this is that it all started when I had a mental health relapse, she just didn't believe me. Things like this always seem to happen when your at your lowest, even my mother has fallen out with me at the moment cos she thinks im not wanting to share stuff with her.

But thanks to everyone for your comments, i really appreciate them.

You'll eventually let go..give your self time and a break takes time to heal i have faith in you. Your strong for opening up that's the first step so congratulations on that

Sad that things are down for you like they are, but glad you are back and know you have a place here for support. Hopefully we can bring a bit of comfort and possible advice that helps you back along a good path.

Todays a new day

Thanks. The new days bothers me, i dont want time to distance me from them. I feel so sad and struggling so much.

Please be kind to yourself and pace yourself. We got your back

Im going to write a letter to my ex over the next few days. Sister says to leave it but 1, I dont think the normal rules apply to me and them, as we are both not 'normal' in a good way and 2, im feeling so helpless, im wanting to try and do something. I need to try and word it carefully. Just saying Im in love with you isn't going to quite do it. Anyway, just wanting to put something out there, not looking for advice or anything. I think it will help putting some thoughts down on paper anyway.

I would listen to your sister but I admit I've stuff like that and wish my sister would of told me that. We are here for you. There's songs written about break ups it sure is a heart ache but don't let it define you. You are not your past you are the present day and future. Anytime you want to talk your welcome to talk any one of us. Healing takes time

At breaking points in our life things change drastically. I think you have reached such a point. I feel with you.

Im finding myself in such alien territory, where i feel like someone has kidnaped me and taken me to a different multi verse, where this one is far worse than the last one. I thought the last one was difficult but i was working really hard to make my situation and another persons situation better. But I dropped the ball with my mental health, letting it get on top on me, i feel now im being severely punished for that, as everything has turned to crap and im totally alone now. Fuck sake.

Sounds like my first night in prison.... But that was real,,,,

I'm sorry things are so bad.

I also feel that way. 2016 was an absolute disaster for me, and I lost my spouse on the last day of that year. Since then, the current events look more like the Onion than reality. I have a hard time telling what is or isn’t satire.

I have been waiting 8 years to wake up and find it was all just a terrible nightmare. It probably is real, but it’s bad and getting worse. We can improve our coping skills with practice, and we can try to be a force for good at the family, local, national, and global levels. We can’t control the outcome, though (which irritates the hell out of me!).