Tidbitsitsybityspider

Just so you know, I hear you man and how much of a fucker this day for you is turning out to be.

Todays me was filling paperwork for SSI and such a tash is hard, the questions on there made me feel worthless and incapable of ever being what I used to be,, functioning human being, both mentally amd psycally. Came the mome t when I jad to say godby to me sanoty for whatever was left. Desperate with no abimity of support from those around me feeling alone im a this mebtal drsolate place. Took me guitar yoped the gains and reverbs and let the cobfussion out. Got these instrume ts as a step towards music therapy but thos time around I am empty. Still, year after cardiac arrest and massive GI bleed I am fucking enpty, everything seems empty and eve the small moments I'd like to enjoy unable to to physical or mental pains. Feeling like I am nearing that point of no return and switch will turn and off I might go. I still will go on auto pilot for now and let the primal surivaval insitict of body cellls to carry this form even though it is becomimg very tiring on all levels. CPR pushed my chakras and center somewhere aside, I am just not the man, the person I used to be. Resiliancy and stress managment among the fires no longer are in me. The only thing I can sta focused on for hours is compulsive bullet chess playing, that is all. Everything is a struggle, and I play that stupid chess to forget hurt and pain but when I try to be calm nist bothing comes everuthing is hollow. Fuck.

I could write so many things I am proud of I did today and those were trivial things just few years back, finally finished washing dishes, took few tries but they are done. Went to gas station to fill up car tank and then off to the place which has a fax machine to send paperwork for SSA. Even went to the grocery store, got me rotisserie chicken to grease my fingers and some sushi platter. But now the motherfucker is back and I am taking a pain pill two hours sooner then scheduled and am pissed about that. Taper down on clonazepam is going but that is also painful so i have no clue what is causing what. And my PCP has his own theory. So I will crawl in my little corner and wait for destiny to fulfil itself.

It sucks but sometimes with these pains all you can do is get as numb as possible and wait. Especially when you don't know why.

Agreed. Next on menu will be booze if I get desperate. Fuck it.

Yeah that's where I'm at. I used to enjoy weed but before I can even smoke the resting pains just increasing into something where it destroys the high. I'm so broke right now on a 17 hour shift I wish I had money to get drunk. Sadly tho everything I say I want ends up right back in my face throughout the day so prey for me

Praying n sending good vibes your way

I could write so many things I am proud of I did today and those were trivial things just few years back, finally finished washing dishes, took few tries but they are done. Went to gas station to fill up car tank and then off to the place which has a fax machine to send paperwork for SSA. Even went to the grocery store, got me rotisserie chicken to grease my fingers and some sushi platter. But now the motherfucker is back and I am taking a pain pill two hours sooner then scheduled and am pissed about that. Taper down on clonazepam is going but that is also painful so i have no clue what is causing what. And my PCP has his own theory. So I will crawl in my little corner and wait for destiny to fulfil itself.

It would be easy to say to focus on the positives and fuck the negatives. But realistically that can be seen as one of those internet memes throw-away pieces of bollocks. Good that you managed to get things done, but maybe it was your body rebelling that caused the pain to return leading you to drop some pain relief quicker than planned. Who knows, continuing being active may help to restore the body's resilience to therefore enable you to undertake such tasks with reduced after effects.

I hope that is the case. This morning actually I figured that part of the aches I am having is taper from the clonazepam as I woke up around five with pain, took clonazepam, was fine. Was even active this morning with no cane, able to get some stuff to my mom's place and do some grocery shopping for both. Of course, both tasks were quick ones, and then the pain comes again. I am trying to be more active. Actually tomorrow, if weather permits, I plan to go to the beaches for at least 15 minutes' walk. Body def built up dependence on both benzo and opiate which is so frustrating but hopefully I can endure, at least after I am done with physical therapy and then see, maybe go for some type of detox program which might create pains in short term and take them away completely long term.

It would be easy to say to focus on the positives and fuck the negatives. But realistically that can be seen as one of those internet memes throw-away pieces of bollocks. Good that you managed to get things done, but maybe it was your body rebelling that caused the pain to return leading you to drop some pain relief quicker than planned. Who knows, continuing being active may help to restore the body's resilience to therefore enable you to undertake such tasks with reduced after effects.

5 am, tensiom. .5 mg clonazepam
Its loghtboitside, still tension, fuck, .25 mg clonazepam, time to go for therapy, .125 mg. In btwn bris walk on fresh air. Now im opoid wave which is doing less and less. Loop. In text msgs with ppl there is fun but I am rotting slowly, frustrating, crying. Hope to rest and die and then rest forever. Fuck this life. But lool there's a bird chirpong on a tree no worries in the world what is is. Let me be a bird. Hahaha, ppssible the one 1964dodge's son got which head fell off.

That last bit about the bird, that did actually make me chuckle. Reminded me of that scene from the film, Dumb and Dumber.

How's things been for you today though?

Haha, glad u chuckled and Witty posted that clip from a movie on Mikes thread which mad me chickle as well.

I was able to go to the grocery store on foot, no cane to do some shoppong. Walked today for at least an hour, at diff intervals ofc. Was able to visit my sis. Pain is there but not as severe. Only took 5 mg oxy so far and 1 mg clonazepam today. I am still hoping that these are growing pains. Thank you hru?

That's good to hear that you managed to get out and about and get things done without the pain getting too severe. And all fuelled up on just those doses of oxy and clon's.

I've been ok thanks. Just getting myself geared up for the football this weekend as we begin to approach the end of the season.

Hey I hope you enjoy it. I dont watch much of it, but knowing your style, please have a drink or two for me, I know you know what the good stuff is. Am wondering now, have you guys had meet ups again? I was off the SF for almost two years.