Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?
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I've been talking with my half-sister on my mum's side, and it was such a constructive discussion. Out of respect for her privacy, i don't want to get into specifics. But suffice to say it confirmed a theory i've had for a long time that at the least, some of my stranger issues were inherited from our mum. In truth, i probably got the whole megillah from her, with my dad contributing.
It feels good knowing that, sort of cleansing. Like i can take peace in knowing that this isn't all some product of my own brain being uniquely faulty, but that there's some kind of genetic factor causing a specific type of chemical imbalance. I was always playing with a dodgy hand, it was just a question of making the best of it i could. And i can be prouder of what i have achieved, rather than caring so much about the things i never could have realistically been.
It feels good knowing that, sort of cleansing. Like i can take peace in knowing that this isn't all some product of my own brain being uniquely faulty, but that there's some kind of genetic factor causing a specific type of chemical imbalance. I was always playing with a dodgy hand, it was just a question of making the best of it i could. And i can be prouder of what i have achieved, rather than caring so much about the things i never could have realistically been.
“That’s life.”
My therapist’s words, which, granted, was said humorously, but it still bothered me because, yeah, that’s exactly my point. Why? Why is that the universal standard of life? How isn’t everyone miserable, restless, and bored out of their minds? Why isn’t everyone having an existential crisis? “That’s just life” is just a way of turning a deaf ear to hopeless conditions, but for how long? The rest of our lives? Doesn’t that make you fucking sad?
My therapist’s words, which, granted, was said humorously, but it still bothered me because, yeah, that’s exactly my point. Why? Why is that the universal standard of life? How isn’t everyone miserable, restless, and bored out of their minds? Why isn’t everyone having an existential crisis? “That’s just life” is just a way of turning a deaf ear to hopeless conditions, but for how long? The rest of our lives? Doesn’t that make you fucking sad?
Makes me rage sometimes. I think most people are to some extent miserable, restless and bored and most sane people have an existential crisis at some point. Imagine having all the money and fame in the world, and you're still miserable, WTF do you do then?! I suppose the poorer people at least dream that having money would make them happy! And imagine you have everything, but then you get an incurable disease or something... And then someone will say "Yeah, life's hard innit" or "That's life". Used to be a program on TV when I was a kid called That's Life, a sort of funny news magazine program, used to watch it with my parents on Sunday night. Thanks for making me think of it 😀
But yeah, I wish I knew why life has to be like it is.
But yeah, I wish I knew why life has to be like it is.
I think that's a great idea. You definitely should say it, because it could be fodder for some really interesting discussion. I think it could be fertile ground for some really beneficial breakthroughs. Good on you for managing to summon up something so raw and real. 
Just thinking of this morning, I went to pick up my prescription. A woman in front of me had a walker and offered for me to go first. I said no that's ok thank you. There are actually humans that will talk! sorry but around here most people just walk past you even if you say hello or good morning. Then a woman complimented me on my dress. I told her where she could find it. To think an elder woman who needs a walker offered me that, is showing me there's still nice people out there, and doing my best to smile and thank people might actually help them or make them feel useful.
I feel this kind of affection anguish in my life.
It has to do with sex. But at the same time it has nothing to do with it.
Loving someone and being loved is too good but when you meet love in real life it feels like it is 50% sincere and 50% lies. Maybe that is why people are addicted to porn: because it is true.
Where do I begin? Do I have to just lie to women? It is all about both sides lying to themselves? I feel like I'm worst than other people for being alone, but better than they because I never lied (?)
It has to do with sex. But at the same time it has nothing to do with it.
Loving someone and being loved is too good but when you meet love in real life it feels like it is 50% sincere and 50% lies. Maybe that is why people are addicted to porn: because it is true.
Where do I begin? Do I have to just lie to women? It is all about both sides lying to themselves? I feel like I'm worst than other people for being alone, but better than they because I never lied (?)
I don't know if life is all about who's better and who's worse. Being alone isn't always worse than being part of a couple, many have found this out the hard way, myself included. But, at least in my view of things, lying to get a partner or sex shouldn't be necessary at all. Lying to others get's to be its own kind of addiction. It takes work and patience to find and go out and do activities you enjoy, and where you can meet people. Being honest with yourself and others will teach you things, like what kind of people including women, you like being around.
I had another unusually vivid, haunting dream last night. I was in a romantic relationship with a guy that I haven’t heard from in over ten years. I met his family, as he met mine. His father asked if I loved him, to which I replied “Absolutely, yes!” We embraced indefinitely. “We,” as in, my boyfriend and I, not the father.
In reality, our relationship was more of an arrangement than anything profound and long-standing, but we had been friends previously, and we still cared about each other. In the end, I cut him off because his drama and clinginess grew tiresome. For example, he’d text me frequently saying “Hey,” and comment passive aggressively if I didn’t respond within ten minutes. Anyway, I can’t say that I don’t miss him sometimes, a lot, or rather I miss what we had: mutual desire, affection, and closeness, to name a few needs that only he has ever given me.
Just in the nick of time, I awoke only to realize, no, I don’t have a partner. I’m still alone. I’m still stuck in a never-ending nightmare, in this joyless house, with little else to bring excitement to my life besides an obsession with death.
In reality, our relationship was more of an arrangement than anything profound and long-standing, but we had been friends previously, and we still cared about each other. In the end, I cut him off because his drama and clinginess grew tiresome. For example, he’d text me frequently saying “Hey,” and comment passive aggressively if I didn’t respond within ten minutes. Anyway, I can’t say that I don’t miss him sometimes, a lot, or rather I miss what we had: mutual desire, affection, and closeness, to name a few needs that only he has ever given me.
Just in the nick of time, I awoke only to realize, no, I don’t have a partner. I’m still alone. I’m still stuck in a never-ending nightmare, in this joyless house, with little else to bring excitement to my life besides an obsession with death.
I have to say, it's not so bad being single. And this is coming from me, the girl who was deathly afraid of my marriage ending, remember? Well, it did, and I'm still well. Better than ever. I had to learn to be single, basically. I know you've been single a while (I think), but that doesn't necessarily mean you learned/know how to be. If that makes sense. Also, you actually taught me how to be less clingy. I used to think I didn't know how to keep friends without growing apart or constantly talking every day. You showed me different. ❤️
What was the first dream you had that was haunting if I may ask? Sorry that I missed it if you wrote about it.
What was the first dream you had that was haunting if I may ask? Sorry that I missed it if you wrote about it.
Sometimes I wonder, what's the most frightening thing that other people who have hallucinations have ever seen? This probably tops my list: in the mental hospital, my roommate was sleeping next to me in her bed. I woke up probably about 2-3 am, and I turn over to where she is and I see a black figure, with a head, arms, and long hair. No facial features or anything, just blackness. It was fully black, but obviously a humanoid figure. And it was hovering on top of her. I literally just froze for a few moments, though I felt like hightailing it out of there. But then it disappeared. She admitted to me that she practiced witchcraft. I wouldn't be surprised if it was actually real and not "just a hallucination".