Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?
- Thread starter Gonz
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If not, ignore me.
I get it now. I don't have a drinking problem. I have a problem accessing my inner self. I spent so many years being brutalised over and over again, and it hurt me so badly. I don't normally say this, but i'm constantly so afraid and hurt, and i don't know what to do about any of it. I spent my whole childhood getting bullied, SA'd, emotionally abused, and constantly told i was the problem for not just rolling over and taking it.
That's why i owe a debt to this site i can never truly express in words. The people here see me for the lost, terrified child i am, and they embrace me as such. I'm so badly hurt inside, and i got so used to shoving it all down in some dark corner because to not do so would make me "the problem", that i don't know how to stop, even to this day.
When i drink, it's the only time i can finally put it all aside and admit how afraid i am, and how much it hurts. I just wish i could finally undo the damage enough to be totally honest without being wasted. I've been in so much pain all my life, and i don't know how to talk about it, because everything i was taught as a kid says that to be open about it would be "burdening others", "causing others discomfort", and "using my problems as an excuse." I so want to go back and give my child self a hug rn. I so wish someone could give my child self a hug rn. My childhood was so fucked up, and not in the ways people expect, but just because i was constantly taken advantage of and trained to think of any kind of emotional struggle as some personal failing.
That's why i owe a debt to this site i can never truly express in words. The people here see me for the lost, terrified child i am, and they embrace me as such. I'm so badly hurt inside, and i got so used to shoving it all down in some dark corner because to not do so would make me "the problem", that i don't know how to stop, even to this day.
When i drink, it's the only time i can finally put it all aside and admit how afraid i am, and how much it hurts. I just wish i could finally undo the damage enough to be totally honest without being wasted. I've been in so much pain all my life, and i don't know how to talk about it, because everything i was taught as a kid says that to be open about it would be "burdening others", "causing others discomfort", and "using my problems as an excuse." I so want to go back and give my child self a hug rn. I so wish someone could give my child self a hug rn. My childhood was so fucked up, and not in the ways people expect, but just because i was constantly taken advantage of and trained to think of any kind of emotional struggle as some personal failing.
Yknow what? I'm gonna say it. The man i love once described this idea of "spiders" to me, a description i think is so accurate. They crawl around in your head, whispering dark things to you and leaving webs all over the place. Well, i have two kinds. There are the ones i've talked about here, the ones that tell me everything is my fault, that try to make me feel worthless. Then there are the other ones. These ones aren't mad at me. They're mad at everyone and everything else. They constantly whisper unkind words about almost everyone, and leave resentments behind, resentments i try to shove down and hide.
Because the truth is, i'm still so fucking angry. I'm angry that i spent my childhood being used by almost everyone and then gaslit into thinking it was my fault for having a problem with it. I'm angry i grew up being told over and over there was something wrong with me, and i had to be this perfect little Stepford angel to be worthy. I'm angry at the 13 years i spent afraid to walk down the street holding a boyfriend's hand, or kiss him in public. And i'm angry at those same small-minded cunts behind that fear who now want to dictate who i am and what i'm allowed to do with my own body. Who would cheer and make memes if it ever got too much and i took my own life.
I'm angry at the people who come to this site and think it's ok to take their shit out on the other people here, who are all badly hurt too and just trying to find some peace with it. I'm angry at people who think a difference in skin melanin justifies categorising someone as an inferior life-form. I'm angry at the centuries Jews and the Romani have spent being the world's punching bag. And i'm angry at the people weaponising part of that persecution to excuse another genocide.
I'm angry at Russia. I'm angry at North Korea. I'm angry at America. I'm angry at ineffectual activists, who think smugging at people over not eating meat, or recycling, or voting for the "right" politician (There are no right options, the entire game is rigged) is an appropriate alternative to true action. I'm angry at the entire human race, because it can't stop being shitty and murdering itself for 5 goddamn minutes. Because it can't realise we're all just equals, we're all just people trying to survive and thrive. Because it's unable to come together and realise the entire planet is burning, and we're barely doing anything about it, because a tiny handful of people stand to make pointlessly huge amounts of money from ruining the world.
I'm just so pissed off, and i'm sick of deluding myself that the answer is to shove it all down in some dark corner for the sake of other people's comfort and convenience. Yeah, i'm a petty lil' bitch. Yeah, i get angry and resentful about stupid things. And i know it's stupid when i'm feeling mad about them. But it's because in truth i'm angry about a lot of very big, important things. Anger is a justified response to unjust treatment, and i'm done letting people convince me otherwise.
Because the truth is, i'm still so fucking angry. I'm angry that i spent my childhood being used by almost everyone and then gaslit into thinking it was my fault for having a problem with it. I'm angry i grew up being told over and over there was something wrong with me, and i had to be this perfect little Stepford angel to be worthy. I'm angry at the 13 years i spent afraid to walk down the street holding a boyfriend's hand, or kiss him in public. And i'm angry at those same small-minded cunts behind that fear who now want to dictate who i am and what i'm allowed to do with my own body. Who would cheer and make memes if it ever got too much and i took my own life.
I'm angry at the people who come to this site and think it's ok to take their shit out on the other people here, who are all badly hurt too and just trying to find some peace with it. I'm angry at people who think a difference in skin melanin justifies categorising someone as an inferior life-form. I'm angry at the centuries Jews and the Romani have spent being the world's punching bag. And i'm angry at the people weaponising part of that persecution to excuse another genocide.
I'm angry at Russia. I'm angry at North Korea. I'm angry at America. I'm angry at ineffectual activists, who think smugging at people over not eating meat, or recycling, or voting for the "right" politician (There are no right options, the entire game is rigged) is an appropriate alternative to true action. I'm angry at the entire human race, because it can't stop being shitty and murdering itself for 5 goddamn minutes. Because it can't realise we're all just equals, we're all just people trying to survive and thrive. Because it's unable to come together and realise the entire planet is burning, and we're barely doing anything about it, because a tiny handful of people stand to make pointlessly huge amounts of money from ruining the world.
I'm just so pissed off, and i'm sick of deluding myself that the answer is to shove it all down in some dark corner for the sake of other people's comfort and convenience. Yeah, i'm a petty lil' bitch. Yeah, i get angry and resentful about stupid things. And i know it's stupid when i'm feeling mad about them. But it's because in truth i'm angry about a lot of very big, important things. Anger is a justified response to unjust treatment, and i'm done letting people convince me otherwise.
Ok, i promise i'll stop spamming these absolute essays in a moment, but i just want to note something for clarity. This anger doesn't mean i actually hate everyone. It doesn't mean i lied in showing you all who i am. Everything i said and did was something i genuinely thought. You all have gotten to actually know me. You just haven't seen this side of me. Well, ok, a few of you have unfortunately. 
But i do genuinely have so much warmth and love in my heart. The anger and resentment i feel doesn't erase that. I think the human race is deeply flawed, but most people are trying to be good, even if they often fall short. I think there are people who are examplars of decency and kindness. And i think the vast, vast majority of this site's members belong in those hallowed halls of human virtue. That's why i finally feel safe admitting all this to you guys, because historically i've been punished and vilified for having that anger inside of me.
So please don't think i've sold you all a false bill of goods. This person you've gotten to know is real and part of me. She's just the face i've chosen to wear publicly, while i've tried to hide the other half of me out of shame and fear. Like the Phantom of the Opera.
But i do genuinely have so much warmth and love in my heart. The anger and resentment i feel doesn't erase that. I think the human race is deeply flawed, but most people are trying to be good, even if they often fall short. I think there are people who are examplars of decency and kindness. And i think the vast, vast majority of this site's members belong in those hallowed halls of human virtue. That's why i finally feel safe admitting all this to you guys, because historically i've been punished and vilified for having that anger inside of me.
So please don't think i've sold you all a false bill of goods. This person you've gotten to know is real and part of me. She's just the face i've chosen to wear publicly, while i've tried to hide the other half of me out of shame and fear. Like the Phantom of the Opera.
I think it is hard to reconcile the idea that most of us love humanity and care about ways to save humanity but it is humanity who are trying to destroy themselves.
It is a paradox.
One thing that I usually "helps" me to feel better is how things in nature and in the universe just happens, and every atrocity and bad thing in the world today are just probabilities of things that could have happened in any time in human history.
Even if we had a better world, awful things would still happen. Not that I think that a better world isn't possible but that we aren't as much as guilty as we feel.
Maybe that is the religious view: to just believe that the world is evil: even if we are striving to be good people, bad things will happen. We should just pray and rest our souls in god knowledge.
But I don't know if that makes people feel better. Maybe anger is what makes us act and try to make things better. Or maybe we can think about being angry, but not blame ourselves too much for feeling incapable of doing something.
It is a paradox.
One thing that I usually "helps" me to feel better is how things in nature and in the universe just happens, and every atrocity and bad thing in the world today are just probabilities of things that could have happened in any time in human history.
Even if we had a better world, awful things would still happen. Not that I think that a better world isn't possible but that we aren't as much as guilty as we feel.
Maybe that is the religious view: to just believe that the world is evil: even if we are striving to be good people, bad things will happen. We should just pray and rest our souls in god knowledge.
But I don't know if that makes people feel better. Maybe anger is what makes us act and try to make things better. Or maybe we can think about being angry, but not blame ourselves too much for feeling incapable of doing something.
Yeah, it is such a weird paradox. To resent humanity because you care about it and don't want to see it suffer or go extinct. To hate it explicitly because you love it.
And i think in a way what you're saying is what i'm doing, learning to embrace the anger without feeling like i should have to be proactive about it. I guess what i'm saying is that i'm learning it's ok to just let yourself feel a sense of anger and frustration sometimes. Just so long as you don't end up being consumed by it, or let it cause you to hurt people you care about.
And i think in a way what you're saying is what i'm doing, learning to embrace the anger without feeling like i should have to be proactive about it. I guess what i'm saying is that i'm learning it's ok to just let yourself feel a sense of anger and frustration sometimes. Just so long as you don't end up being consumed by it, or let it cause you to hurt people you care about.
Seeing Lady Gaga’s concert clips and I just realized she’s been singing the same songs for the past 17 years.
in the 90s we refer anything 70s as vintage — because it’s been 20years…
and technically the kids are right to call Lady Gaga songs vintage because it’s almost 20 years old…
and I now i feel the same way the people from the 70s felt when they’re being called vintage.
in the 90s we refer anything 70s as vintage — because it’s been 20years…
and technically the kids are right to call Lady Gaga songs vintage because it’s almost 20 years old…
and I now i feel the same way the people from the 70s felt when they’re being called vintage.
