Back to rock bottom

I don't want this post to turn into 'my story' of which I might put together at some point. Just wanted to post in this thread as a bit of an update.

I'm still here, which I can say is a bit surreal, as my live was extremely different up until recently. Having the relationship breakdown has changed everything. I only say bits and bobs about the relationship, as it was quite complex and I don't want to put details here, as it wouldn't be fair if the other person ended up reading it. I am just wanting to sort things out and not wanting or have any desire to say anything bad about it, through of course I am hurt and have my opinions about things.

I had a very cryptic email from them. It was giving me their opinion on something, they felt was important to say. Of course I took it as an opportunity to try and strike up a conversation, but no reply back.

The email was cryptic and I really felt as if it was saying, if you love me, try harder, as what your saying and the way your acting is too different things (words to that effect). This has completely thrown me into a pit of depression. Ive written emails to them (no response). I can't phone as she changed her number and the family isnt happy with me, as I reached out to one of them on Facebook. So, I've left it with an email about ten days ago (in response to her email) and don't know what else to do. I just don't know what they except, I can't see what else I can do, there's no way I'm just going to turn up to there house. I just think things shouldn't be this difficult, they need to be equal, I do want them to want to see me, you know. If they don't want to see me then fair enough.

Any way I feel like a bit of a loser and feeling sorry for myself. The email just really though me by what was written and I'm now really doubting myself. I'm feeling totally frozen and don't know anything much at the moment.

I'm sorry that email made things so much worse.
If she's paranoid or has other mental health issues that distort her perception of reality, it may be difficult or impossible to decipher what she meant.
How are you doubting yourself?

Im doubting my actions, am I doing enough?, is there something i should be doing that i havent thought of. All in the respect of reaching out to her.

i tend to like things straight forward, i contact, they reply. I dont understand.

I have been reading a good book called the courage to be disliked. Some interesting stuff in there about human behaviour.

I'm sorry it's been like that.

Do you feel like getting back together with her is the only way for you?

Yes, as it feels like im missing an organ and I dont think I will manage for long without it.
Sounds very co dependent but I am just struggling so much.

The worse part is, is that i get the impression she wont be realising or caring or believing that im struggling and missing them.

That's really a rough situation, feeling like a necessary part of you is gone.

Rather than sounding like a broken record in the main 'how you feeling today'. I'm going to sound like a broken record here. I spent all day and night yesterday moving into this new house. I've brought it via a 25 year bank loan and don't except to see my 74th birthday any way. But it does mean I don't have a load of rules to follow when I was renting. But it a major fixer upper, loads of work to do.

I'm on the verge of a massive come down, have been non stop today, unpacking and tidying up. I want to run around screaming. I miss my friend and soul mate so much, I wish they would change their 'task'. I mean 'task' as in, from the book 'the courage to be disliked', all about Alfred Adler. Her task the way I see it, either doesnt involve me, or of it does it will be something like 'to avoid me'. I just wish I knew a way to get through to them (my current task), but as Adler states, this is interfering in someone else's task and all that will happen is a power struggle, which had happened before. So I am at a complete loss and the last time they sent an email to me, a few weeks ago, it sounds like 'try harder'. So am feeling really sad.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

There's a saying that when one door closes another door opens, but it sounds like in your case the door to getting back together with her, and the door to living life without her are both closed.

Like if you could get back together with her, at least you'd have that even though I'd worry that she'd continue to be paranoid and unreasonable. I'd probably feel the most optimistic if you found someone new, or found a way to be ok on your own, but from what you've described it sounds like that's not possible.

How long have you been apart now? I know you officially broke up five years ago, but you were still in contact after that.

Sorry you are going through this. I hope the new place gives you some freedom and distraction at least.

Rather than keep on going round to circles on the main forum, I'll complain and moan within my own thread.

Just feeling so fucked off, I wish my ex/ friend/ companion - the person I love, the person I thought was my soul mate, would just get in contact with me, so we can have a conversation.

Without going into all the in's and out's, this situation wasn't/ isn't straight forward. Everything seemed okay one minute, then all hell broke loose for 12 weeks or so and then bang. How long does it take to fuck up a 27 year relationship, answer 12 weeks of chaos.

I'm so fucked off, I worked bloody hard on the friendship part of our relationship over the last 7 years.

I'm sat here, I should feel lucky as Im in my own house, doing it up, surrounded by countryside and trees and all I'm thinking about is her.

I sure wish it was easier to part ways when something like this happens. But it seems someone always gets hurt very badly, while the other one doesn't. I know you can never forget your friend and 27 years. You shouldn't have to. But I sure hope the pain lessens soon.

Thanks thats nice - hope your doing okay. Was thinking what you were saying about the years 1970 to 1990 were okay from a world point of view. It reminded me that when I feel like the world is going mad, like it is, I tend to watch old tv shows. Like X files, or Magnum PI, things like that, as it reminds me of the world back then, it gives me some comfort.

I love watching the old shows. Like Magnum, Gunsmoke, Frasier, X-Files, original Star Trek. It does take me back to those years when life seemed so much simpler.

Im at work doing my best to get through the day but im really struggling. I just dont know how im going to get through the next 20 years. God its so depressing.

I miss physical hugs from my friend.

What if you did though? In most cases it would be a bad idea, but since you're stuck between a rock and hard place, maybe it would either lead to getting back together with her, or getting angry at her enough to want to be separated from her.

Thanks for you message, I've considered this but I think for certain reasons, it might not be a good idea and I would like them to at least want to see me.

Hope ur ok

I miss hugs from my friend.

When my friend and i were living apart over a 7 year period. I would visit every weekend, i would have visited more but it was a 3 hour round trip drive. I would do my best to try and balance time to support them and having some down time while i was there, as i was working full time in the week.

We would hug when i was leaving every sunday afternoon. I struggled with these hugs, my friend thought it was because i didnt like physical contact. I am funny with hugs, especially with other people but the main uncomfort i had during this 7 years with the hugs with my friend was the leaving element on a sunday.
When we broke up 8 years ago from a living together romantic relationship. I really struggled with that relationship breaking down and will never forget the day i left.

Every Sunday when i left them over the next 7 years always brought back the same emotions as that day, hence I struggled with these hugs. However, when we were trying to sort things out and revisit a romantic relationship again, i really liked the hugs as they were no longer just connected to us parting ways.

I miss these hugs, i miss my soul mate.