Nowadays I don't drink alcohol at all. Because I get "high" enough from my accomplishments. Why should I drink alcohol to celebrate those accomplishments when the accomplishments themselves are already the Ultimate Joy. Why should I partake of the fake joy of alcohol when I can get genuine joy from Reality.
This has a very strange effect on me Winslow. I can count the times I deliberately drank myself to the danger point. i think about it and i really don’t believe it was suicidal on my part. but it could be considered that, if one does not consider the whole of my (or anyone’s) life situation.
One time was when I was about 16. I think I was 16 anyway. I had already learned that alcohol could get you drunk. I'm trying hard now to capture what it was that I was trying to achieve by doing that. Maybe it was the discovery that getting "high" that way, takes you away. I had not ever discussed with myself that I was not happy where I was - living in me. I did know it though, that it was true. So drinking so much was an attempt to get away. i wasn’t trying to die or even hurt myself. I doubt that I was thinking at the time about coming back so it may very well be that I did have that suicidal element. Yet I also know that I was not on a suicide course.
There were about - certainly no more than - five more times I got drunk like that and they were all similar.
One time I recall specifically drinking as an expression of my sadness that I was unable to socialize. but again it was not with intent to die or self harm. I had no friends at the time which has generally been the case with little exception. I was due for a vacation at work and it had been suggested that a club med vacation would be good. I can't tell you what a wrong idea that was. From what I can calculate, club med was for people who know how to socialize. They also encourage drinking to the extreme which I did - same as I described above. I recall crying in that state but not much else. I was so intoxicated that I passed out and baked in the sun for must have been hours. I'm surprised I survived and think club med officials should have been arrested for allowing that to happen. But all that did happen was that I eventually woke up and eventually went home, pretending as I always have done, that I was not miserable about my life. BTW, I think my parents should have been much more responsible than to allow a 16 year old to drink that way - that first time, it happened at home with them around somewhere.
The last noteworthy extreme drunk I mentioned in a thread here in response to someone who had a similar situation. again, this for me was my way of reaching out to other people, not to die and not to self harm. For me it was based on being “in love” inappropriately with a co-worker about 12 years ago. Me, a married man in love at my place of employment with another man's wife. I hate myself specifically for being so weak, wrong and naive to think that the child in me who was merely seeking to have his life soothed could actually do that by seeking love with a woman regardless of her or my marital status and regardless of the work situation. So at the annual company dinner I had 3 double martinis and told her - most likely in front of our co-workers - that I loved her. I had to be carried out and dropped in the parking lot. I remember crying then too. Needless to say she never spoke to me again and I do support her that decision but this was not the pursuit of a woman by a man who knew what he was doing but of a child thinking that it was ok because living without ever having experienced love, (there is much more to this concept that i will not relate here now) it could be considered ok. I just don't think these incidents could be considered attempts at suicide or self harm. But then I often hear that suicide is not really an attempt at dying but just trying to relieve the suffering. maybe suicide is actually a way of reaching out to people to tell them they are really so unhappy that they wish they could die. then, tragically there are times when they succeed when that was not truly what they wanted.
And here is why my reaction to this post is so strange. Aside from these few attempts at escaping and expressing my misery (and I truly am glad I survived) (and now in my life I, self imposed, don't drink alcohol at all because I worry about drinking and being on meds at the same time) I always drank for the aesthetics of it. I'm shocked when I hear that people drink to get drunk or even just a little high. The alcohol I drink (drank) is because I love the flavor. Yes! This was an aesthetic treat and I did not get high. And it enhanced my life. it made my dinners taste better. I miss it now. But Winslow, I'm sorry to admit that I'm still sad about the misery and lack of accomplishment in my life. And I do congratulate you on your success.
i guess that the fact that alcoholic beverages do contain alcohol makes them usable for bad purposes. but anything is that way. there are a myriad of things in existence that could be taken and used to self harm. but whose responsibility is it to prevent that? it is so true that it has to come from the individual, but it has to come from society too. rather than finding and talking about “ways” to self harm, we should be finding ways to make better solutions available. i think this site is a better solution. we all have to be aware that someone abusing things is crying out for help. suicide attempts by however they manifiest themselves, are such an abuse, and so often, like my parents mentioned above, the help is not there. or worse, like club med, dangerous acts are encouraged. we have to become more of a helping society as well as a self helping society. steps anyone can take to overcome the sadness are applaudable if they can achieve that on their own, but it is so wrong to encourage or allow excessive drinking or any self harmful acts simply by saying “its her or his own choice”. i never think something like that is a “choice” but a reaction to a troubled life that shows that the situation is out of control. if someone is reaching out that way (and i do believe that no matter how unthought out it may appear, it is reaching out) society should compassionately reach back.
