Lonely and Bored

The number of places I can go is extremely limited. No beaches and parks are out. I can’t walk on anything but pavement, I tried walking on a well manicured lawn; lost my balance and injured myself enough that I was stuck in bed for a week.

Parks are manageable if there’s a paved path and if there are benches along it, which limits me to one place that I know of but if I’m just going to sit on a bench surrounded by trash and watch the homeless people, then I might as well just go to the bus stop. It’s not very appealing.

No hills either. The cuts in the curb for driveways are already dicey, anything steeper is near impossible.

So I’m limited to cafes and the like. Fine, I drink a lot of coffee anyway.

But people do this thing where they politely avoid me now. It’s not any one thing, there’s never anything an individual does that you can point at and say “see.” For all I know, an individual person is being more polite than they would be otherwise.

There’ve always been asocial people, but now everybody is like that, especially with me. Can’t be mad at anyone though, because I don’t know who would have been like that anyway.

I’m a little self conscious about the way I walk (I’m very slow, use a cane, and have a pronounced limp). I’m more self conscious about how clumsy I am (my dominant side doesn’t work right anymore), but most of all I hate the way I sound; I slur unless I speak slowly and carefully, either the sound or the cadence will be unnatural and people notice and get uncomfortable.

And I could use some company right now. My life is not a very happy one. I’m so lonely and bored.

Sorry, I’m kinda rambling.

But people do this thing where they politely avoid me now

Am sorry life has treated and continues to treat you so poorly. Is there any chance that any of this could approve over time? Especially the speaking. Its tragic that such things have happened to you.

Add to that the tragedy that people are just really uncomfortable being with the handicapped (sorry, could not think of another word for it).

I just think that most of us just don't know how to respond. We aren't being mean, we just are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

IUnfortunately I think that sort of thing is typical. People tend to stay away from anyone with any form of disability.

I usually say “useless cripple,” at least in reference to myself

Why? It’s true. I offer nothing to the world.

I just think that most of us just don't know how to respond.

Why? It’s true. I offer nothing to the world.

I'm not good at being a jerk, so he'd win every time.

You know something, Gonz? I, the weirdo who can't cry, laughed and felt a couple of tears well up at the same time the other day because in the few words you wrote about my stupid typo, you made me feel like I was hearing my big, little, best-friend brother again. He used to give me a hard time all the time, and I'd try to return it but obviously I'm not good at being a jerk, so he'd win every time. He also was handsome, tall, strong and smart.

The sad pragmatism of the world...

I just wanted to say hey. I've been lurking around snd I know what you've been through via reading your posts. I'm sorry to hear these things. I empathize with what you are experiencing. Ones voice really does make a huge difference in this world. I know people aren't very patient, let alone these days. Even going the same pace as everyone else.. people walk too damn fast. Life is too fast.

An odd thing for me to say here, I don't know if it will help even a small amount but, have you considered a small whiteboard with erasable marker, for communication? My dad used to do that.. he had ALS disease and couldn't talk without slurring as well. I noticed people did better with the whiteboard.. if they were patient enough. Just the fact he would bring it out, would slow people down for a second to listen. But it does depend on your hand usage and control over it.

I just wanted to drop by and say hey.. and you are seen, and still have value. And sending you a hug. **

The number of places I can go is extremely limited. No beaches and parks are out. I can’t walk on anything but pavement, I tried walking on a well manicured lawn; lost my balance and injured myself enough that I was stuck in bed for a week.

Parks are manageable if there’s a paved path and if there are benches along it, which limits me to one place that I know of but if I’m just going to sit on a bench surrounded by trash and watch the homeless people, then I might as well just go to the bus stop. It’s not very appealing.

No hills either. The cuts in the curb for driveways are already dicey, anything steeper is near impossible.

So I’m limited to cafes and the like. Fine, I drink a lot of coffee anyway.

But people do this thing where they politely avoid me now. It’s not any one thing, there’s never anything an individual does that you can point at and say “see.” For all I know, an individual person is being more polite than they would be otherwise.

There’ve always been asocial people, but now everybody is like that, especially with me. Can’t be mad at anyone though, because I don’t know who would have been like that anyway.

I’m a little self conscious about the way I walk (I’m very slow, use a cane, and have a pronounced limp). I’m more self conscious about how clumsy I am (my dominant side doesn’t work right anymore), but most of all I hate the way I sound; I slur unless I speak slowly and carefully, either the sound or the cadence will be unnatural and people notice and get uncomfortable.

And I could use some company right now. My life is not a very happy one. I’m so lonely and bored.

Sorry, I’m kinda rambling.

Will you tell us more about your brother?

Why? It’s true. I offer nothing to the world

I try to adopt a worldview where that doesn’t matter, but I can’t seem to.

There's a big philosophical question about the worth and meaning of a human life that I can't answer here, but maybe it's sufficient to say that conventional notions of dollar value of output equaling human worth is misguided.

Right now I see in the world that 99% of relationships are based on a person's value in dollars