Negotiating with my suicidal side ...

In the last couple years, my life has often felt like a negotiation between my suicidal side and my anti-suicidal side. (You may well ask, "How has that gone?" Well, it hasn't been a great couple of years, and my suicidal side definitely hasn't gone away ... but I am still alive.)

I'd like to find resources relating to this topic, but frankly I don't even know what search terms to use.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this.

If you found an ideal resource relating to this, what would it be like?

It might help to look into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) This is an over simplified version, but my conception of DBT is that it is based on finding a healthy balance between competing impulses.

My outpatient program was based on DBT and I found it useful. I also have these competing sides of my personality. It’s very similar to addiction, in that I have my addictive voice vs my genuine/wise voice. In both cases, one is trying to kill us, and the other is trying to move towards healing.
More information, including a starter course for no fee:
Https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com