i would rather die an extremely painful and tortuorous death then suffer, for eternity so eternal it makes normal eternity look like total oblivion in comparison, in the googleploxest tier of hell, than accept being a histrionic
histrionic people take relationships more intimate than what they actually are, feel emotion intensely, exhibit inappropriately dramatic and attention-seeking behaviour even in public. i have meltdowns and cry very loud in public i overshare to strangers sometimes i am very unreasonable and if complete strangers perceive me in a way i hate i get triggered. hence i am histrionic. I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE OF IT
i am unbearably, viscerally, deeply, agonisingly embarrassed to be an overdramatic primadonna that makes a scene in public
nowadays every time i leave the house especially for prolonged period of time always results in me crying my eyes out in public and going home on emergency services because i was way too triggered to function and way too overwhelmed. as a result i become more and more reclutant to leave the house, and increasingly overwhelmed with the shame and trauma lingering from each incident.
what triggered me was tesco express. someone claiming to be desperate for hospital forced me to pay for their stuff first. what REALLY triggered me was how when i removed my basket i were told there were no need to - THAT SENT ME INTO TEARS BECAUSE I WANT TO ALWAYS APPEAR NONCHALANT AS POSSIBLE IT IS PART OF MY IDENTITY I DONT WANT TO APPEAR STUPIDLY UNNECESSARILY PANICKED OVER NOTHING. i was even more triggered when strangers tried to comfort me but made me even more upset labelling me as "beautiful", or "brave", or misgendering me. eventaully i had a very bad mental breakdown in hospital i was in so much agony i tried to hang myself the security officers were supervising me and i felt even more triggered when they told me to "calm down" or when they used the term "screaming" instead of "shouting".
fat is like hot heat loud crying oversharing being dramatic tight clothes closed-mindedness
skinny is like cold weather chill emotionally inexpressive self-concealment baggy clothes open-minded
i want to be a pale shy skinny boy so badly. i do not want to be attention-seeking and performative and existing solely to please others and worrying about others opinions and not having my own.
transtypal dictionary
replace "screaming" with "shouting"
replace "hysteria / histrionics / drama" with "distress / upset"
replace "loud crying" with "big tears emoji"
replace "meltdown" with "overwhelmed"
replace "brave" with "deseprate to be validated due to prolonged lack of support"
replace "calm down" with "you appear agitated"
i want brain surgery so badly
decrease responsiveness to the environment
increase logical thought
decrease emotional reactivity
me before brain surgery: cries loudly in public, "emotionally intelligent", "you're so brave", "don't worry about other peoples' lives", "calm down"
me after brain surgery: smart alec, artist, (relatively) emotionless, video games 24/7, "why are you so chill?", "earth to [name]"
agony is when
everyones voice is way chiller, softer and quieter than yours
eveveryone is way less aware of their senses than you are
everyone is more nonchalant in general than you are
and you are the most dramatic person in the world
and you are the most focused on other peoples lives and opinions at the expense of your own more than anything else
PURE AGONY
for me
skinny is not just the number on the scale. skinny is not just a low bmi. skinny is not just when your clothes drape off of your physique.
skinny is also detachment, shyness, invisibility, and daydreaming. skinny is keeping to yourself. skinny is having lower senses. fat on the other hand is hysteria, uncontrolled emotions, the present moment.
and me being anorexic, who would i be without being skinny? it means everything to me
the quieter i cry
the less information i reveal about my troubles
the softer my voice
the calmer i am in crisis
the less i make a scene
the more i zone out
the skinnier i feel
i have synaesthesia
"brave" makes me think of high collarbones
crying loudly makes me think of a fatter bigger ass
but shyness, muteness, emotional detachment makes me think of the pale skin, baggy clothes, and messy hair i desperately pine for
what a coincidence it is that the more i ESFJ 2w3 4w3 sx/so ESE out, the more my face reddens, the more my binder slips, and the less my hair resembles that of my ideal self.
roses have thorns.
typology and drugs bring the most light to my life, without it everything is so boring and dismal and soulless.
but it also brings the most distress. no two interests have ever fascinated more than those two.
typology can give me unbearable brain dysphoria
life is unbearably boring and grey while sober. drugs exist not solely to self-medicate and numb emotional pain, but to also feed an unrivalled tier of curiosity. yet drug tolerance builds easily, drug comedowns are often unpleasant and have bad side effects, drug use leads to addiction, and combining certain drugs can be fatal.
severe self policing, extreme distress whenever exhibiting traits they do not like (dramatic attention-seeking performative shallow etc) and envy of people that are skinny pale autistic shy creative and / or apathetic, gender dysphoria, flashbacks of overly critical brother misgendering bullying and overall maltreatment, even the smallest of interactions are extremely triggering, i want to move house so badly, unable to functiion, hyperfixation on typology even though it is triggering, suicidal thoughts, i hate myself with a passion, easily triggered in public self-conscious sensory overload, severe self-loathing, bored with life
histrionic people take relationships more intimate than what they actually are, feel emotion intensely, exhibit inappropriately dramatic and attention-seeking behaviour even in public. i have meltdowns and cry very loud in public i overshare to strangers sometimes i am very unreasonable and if complete strangers perceive me in a way i hate i get triggered. hence i am histrionic. I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE OF IT
i am unbearably, viscerally, deeply, agonisingly embarrassed to be an overdramatic primadonna that makes a scene in public
nowadays every time i leave the house especially for prolonged period of time always results in me crying my eyes out in public and going home on emergency services because i was way too triggered to function and way too overwhelmed. as a result i become more and more reclutant to leave the house, and increasingly overwhelmed with the shame and trauma lingering from each incident.
what triggered me was tesco express. someone claiming to be desperate for hospital forced me to pay for their stuff first. what REALLY triggered me was how when i removed my basket i were told there were no need to - THAT SENT ME INTO TEARS BECAUSE I WANT TO ALWAYS APPEAR NONCHALANT AS POSSIBLE IT IS PART OF MY IDENTITY I DONT WANT TO APPEAR STUPIDLY UNNECESSARILY PANICKED OVER NOTHING. i was even more triggered when strangers tried to comfort me but made me even more upset labelling me as "beautiful", or "brave", or misgendering me. eventaully i had a very bad mental breakdown in hospital i was in so much agony i tried to hang myself the security officers were supervising me and i felt even more triggered when they told me to "calm down" or when they used the term "screaming" instead of "shouting".
fat is like hot heat loud crying oversharing being dramatic tight clothes closed-mindedness
skinny is like cold weather chill emotionally inexpressive self-concealment baggy clothes open-minded
i want to be a pale shy skinny boy so badly. i do not want to be attention-seeking and performative and existing solely to please others and worrying about others opinions and not having my own.
transtypal dictionary
replace "screaming" with "shouting"
replace "hysteria / histrionics / drama" with "distress / upset"
replace "loud crying" with "big tears emoji"
replace "meltdown" with "overwhelmed"
replace "brave" with "deseprate to be validated due to prolonged lack of support"
replace "calm down" with "you appear agitated"
i want brain surgery so badly
decrease responsiveness to the environment
increase logical thought
decrease emotional reactivity
me before brain surgery: cries loudly in public, "emotionally intelligent", "you're so brave", "don't worry about other peoples' lives", "calm down"
me after brain surgery: smart alec, artist, (relatively) emotionless, video games 24/7, "why are you so chill?", "earth to [name]"
agony is when
everyones voice is way chiller, softer and quieter than yours
eveveryone is way less aware of their senses than you are
everyone is more nonchalant in general than you are
and you are the most dramatic person in the world
and you are the most focused on other peoples lives and opinions at the expense of your own more than anything else
PURE AGONY
for me
skinny is not just the number on the scale. skinny is not just a low bmi. skinny is not just when your clothes drape off of your physique.
skinny is also detachment, shyness, invisibility, and daydreaming. skinny is keeping to yourself. skinny is having lower senses. fat on the other hand is hysteria, uncontrolled emotions, the present moment.
and me being anorexic, who would i be without being skinny? it means everything to me
the quieter i cry
the less information i reveal about my troubles
the softer my voice
the calmer i am in crisis
the less i make a scene
the more i zone out
the skinnier i feel
i have synaesthesia
"brave" makes me think of high collarbones
crying loudly makes me think of a fatter bigger ass
but shyness, muteness, emotional detachment makes me think of the pale skin, baggy clothes, and messy hair i desperately pine for
what a coincidence it is that the more i ESFJ 2w3 4w3 sx/so ESE out, the more my face reddens, the more my binder slips, and the less my hair resembles that of my ideal self.
roses have thorns.
typology and drugs bring the most light to my life, without it everything is so boring and dismal and soulless.
but it also brings the most distress. no two interests have ever fascinated more than those two.
typology can give me unbearable brain dysphoria
life is unbearably boring and grey while sober. drugs exist not solely to self-medicate and numb emotional pain, but to also feed an unrivalled tier of curiosity. yet drug tolerance builds easily, drug comedowns are often unpleasant and have bad side effects, drug use leads to addiction, and combining certain drugs can be fatal.
severe self policing, extreme distress whenever exhibiting traits they do not like (dramatic attention-seeking performative shallow etc) and envy of people that are skinny pale autistic shy creative and / or apathetic, gender dysphoria, flashbacks of overly critical brother misgendering bullying and overall maltreatment, even the smallest of interactions are extremely triggering, i want to move house so badly, unable to functiion, hyperfixation on typology even though it is triggering, suicidal thoughts, i hate myself with a passion, easily triggered in public self-conscious sensory overload, severe self-loathing, bored with life
