Why can’t I just get help?

Today I told my psychiatrist I want to kill myself everyday, especially after what has happened recently to me at the hospital. She basically said there’s nothing she can do but put me back on meds again. Yay. Can’t wait to get even worse and now ontop of that feel sicker than I already do. I react very badly to medication and always get side effects. It has to be tapered up slowly, so I won’t even be stabilized. I’m so tired of nothing being instant. Words cannot compare to the amount of social deprivation and isolation I’m in. I have no support. I’m supposed to start psychotherapy that my mom is paying privately for god knows how. But like this isn’t going to work. I need inpatient treatment and I do not do well at hospital psych wards. They have traumatized me severely and are torture for the neurodivergent. I think about going to CAMH and then remember how they refused to admit me again twice after my overdose because I’m ’too complex’. I need to be stabilized with trauma informed care and I cannot get that. I can’t walk off and try to end my life without my mom immediately chasing me down or calling the cops on me. I have no escape. No freedom. Just have to sit in this room that brings me so much pain with no escape. It doesn’t help that I was cut off from my antisezure meds which causes an increase in instability and suicidal thoughts, just bc I didn’t wanna be trapped in the psych ward anymore for ‘antiseizure monitoring’. That’s a whole another story. My point is I can’t take feeling my mental pain physically. It fucking hurts. It hurts so badly it feels like I will disintegrate or have a heart attack but I never do. I never get a break. I never get to stop being traumatized. I’ve been so fucked up since I got home from the hospital, what I went through was medical and psychological torture. Now I am even more broken than I was. I don’t think I can even be saved. It’s not just a depressive episode this is irreversible damage. My life has no tracks. I can’t go out. I can’t get a job or go to school. I can’t walk around without feeling like I’m gonna pass out, and petrified to be put back in a hospital that illegally formed me and doesn’t believe in my neuroopsychartic disorder. I don’t know why I am alive. My entire life has been torture. That’s what I say but really I don’t feel life. I don’t feel my memories. I feel facts but I don’t feel like I’ve lived through anything but the trauma remains. The anxiety, the ocd, flashbacks, everything is getting worse. Music was my biggest coping mechanism. So was listening to reassuring asmr or watching anything. Now when I try, it’s like my mind is screaming at me. I can’t even cry when it hurts so much. I just want it all to stop but it never ever does. Years and years and almost a decade of things getting worse and worse. I wish I tried harder to kms when I was 11. That version of me knew things would get 100% way worse before I even experienced the trauma I went through. I just knew I wasn’t right. I knew I was too young to be going through what I was going through. That I couldn’t relate to anyone around me. It didn’t help being diagnosed with autism very very late. I’m at a loss for words now. There’s nothing left to say.