Hi. My whole world fell apart a few days ago.

Basically exactly what the title states. Not sure why I’m here or what I’m doing or what I’m hoping for. I have no goals or dreams anymore. I lost my entire support network and everyone I care about in one fell swoop and not only is it my own fault, but it was what I thought I wanted- just so I could finally leave. Now everyone hates me and I’m still here.

I'm sorry this happened.
Other members here have said similar things or wanted similar things.

Do you want to tell the story of what happened, and why you thought you wanted to lose your network? It's ok if you don't want to say, but I hope you'll say more about it if you'd like to.

Thank you for being so kind already.

I have OCD. I have PTSD. I have really debilitating chronic health issues. And I just stopped working on myself and working on trying to feel better. I gave in to everything my intrusive thoughts tell me are true and all of the obsessions and the compulsions, until it got so bad that I just wanted to leave. I still do but I’m trying very hard to believe that there’s maybe something better out there for me somewhere.

I had an affair. A short, two month long affair where I lied about well, basically everything to that person. And I’ve engaged in that same behavior before, just attention seeking and looking for a dopamine boost I guess. I liked the attention and I liked the ego boost and I know that’s all it was, not genuine feelings. This is confusing because I was hiding it, but I also hoped my wife would find out. And when she did, I could finally end my life. I know how that sounds but I really believe everyone would be better off without me if they just let me go. If I was gone I think they’d realize that their lives are still pretty great, even better because they don’t have to worry about me and my health and my stuff anymore. And then she found out.

I’m going to have to do an IOP program and I’m being watched like a hawk after an attempt Thursday night. I was baker acted but the resources given to me did very little to help and I feel very scared. None of my friends want anything to do with me, my wife has already said she wants a divorce, I am ruminating constantly on other peoples feelings towards me and how awful I am instead of really feeling what I think I need to feel. And I don’t know how to stop. It’s making it all very hard, when I know my brain is both literally not operating properly on a physical level from my chronic illness, or on a mental health level from my other diagnoses- and yet no amount of “but I’m not in my right mind” will change what I did or how badly I want to not be here right now. I didn’t think I’d survive this part.

This is the hard part, but I think you can heal. And I think if you give it time some of your friends will come around.

You're welcome!

It definitely sounds like you're at a low point right now, and it may help to realize this. The conditions you have are not necessarily untreatable. However bad things are at the moment, there could still be a way forward.

Do you feel like there's any chance marriage counseling could save the marriage, or maybe allow you to part on good terms? Do you feel like there's any chance you could make a fresh start with someone else? I'm assuming that you're not that optimistic about it because you're suicidal, but it still might be worth asking.

I think it's pretty common for friends to leave when someone is going through trouble. It's not necessarily moral condemnation for infidelity, though maybe they would use that as an excuse.

So. I’ve been talking to my family and after reflection today and obvious continued work- I don’t think she and I are good for each other. I think our mutual mental health issues just clash in a way that make us unable to cohabitate and I couldn’t see it.
I’ve wanted to die for years. And I’ve been very vocal about it with specifically only her, because as you know I’m sure ideation can make you act out in some wild ways. So she’s known for a long time how my brain was functioning and she’d ask me to go to therapy occasionally…but mostly she just listened and nodded and said she was sorry. I took that as love but I’m now realizing that maybe when someone is telling you “hey I want to die all the time” it might be time to call in reinforcements or to have let anyone else know…idk. Maybe that’s judge mental of me.

but to make a long story short- I’m okay with the non reconciliation aspect, and if we ever got back together it would have to be after a lot of work on both of our parts. I just am struggling with the fact I hurt her so, so badly. I have OCD and the intrusive thoughts of “what if she now wants to end HER life” are currently eating me alive as I try to sleep.

That's sad to hear about your condition. Just know that you are not the only one going through this.
Allow yourself to somehow distance yourself from this problem and look at it from the outside. Just feel like you are a person looking at yourself not yourself going through this problem.
Maybe that will help you a little bit.

Hopefully you can talk to her about how she feels, and if the marriage can't be saved, maybe you can try to separate on as good terms as possible.