I joined this site way back in the early days of the internet in 2006, and while many advances in technology, and events have happened, one thing remains the same; depression.
I tried counseling to no avail at my university, and I can't go to my trusted therapist of 13 years, and it feels like I'm back again, after adopting many methods to cope, with the latest being diary entries, as I have thought like in the words of Anne Frank that I'm not allowed to have any feelings, so I have to write it down.
Had a good amount of fake "friends" who just took advantage of the car rides I gave them, and the death of my fiancee nearly two years ago, and the final two severed ties later, I feel I have lived my life, and I have only suffered for the past 31 years of my pitiful existence. I have prayed for death, which is just not like me, even in the past two years, since I lost my fiancee to COVID, and my aunt just died of a heart attack four weeks ago.
I feel that my love is dead, only to be surrounded by my mortal enemies, and it has only been the past couple of days I have thought of dying from a heat stroke, with the brutal heat outside, as all I feel is pain. Usually I would know what to do, and my projects would have a bump, or two, but this time, there is no hope. Not even my entries can help with the despair I feel from trying to design something the professor won't think is a pile of garbage. To be honest, I'm terrified of posting here, since as I have gotten older, I have come to trust no one, and this feels like a horrid gamble, more terrifying than the slot machines in Vegas with a $1 million bet, but here I am, horrified...
I tried counseling to no avail at my university, and I can't go to my trusted therapist of 13 years, and it feels like I'm back again, after adopting many methods to cope, with the latest being diary entries, as I have thought like in the words of Anne Frank that I'm not allowed to have any feelings, so I have to write it down.
Had a good amount of fake "friends" who just took advantage of the car rides I gave them, and the death of my fiancee nearly two years ago, and the final two severed ties later, I feel I have lived my life, and I have only suffered for the past 31 years of my pitiful existence. I have prayed for death, which is just not like me, even in the past two years, since I lost my fiancee to COVID, and my aunt just died of a heart attack four weeks ago.
I feel that my love is dead, only to be surrounded by my mortal enemies, and it has only been the past couple of days I have thought of dying from a heat stroke, with the brutal heat outside, as all I feel is pain. Usually I would know what to do, and my projects would have a bump, or two, but this time, there is no hope. Not even my entries can help with the despair I feel from trying to design something the professor won't think is a pile of garbage. To be honest, I'm terrified of posting here, since as I have gotten older, I have come to trust no one, and this feels like a horrid gamble, more terrifying than the slot machines in Vegas with a $1 million bet, but here I am, horrified...
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