im a college student now

tomorrow will be the start of my classes. moved in a few days ago. it will also mark a year since I made my first post here asking for help. ive waited for this moment since 9th grade and now that im here it doesn't feel nearly as cathartic as I imagined. Ive come to the realization that moving out to go to school is not an all encompassing solution to the problems that crippled me at home. I thought I could just leave all of it behind and never talk to anyone again while I find myself and choose my own family. I know it won't play out like this. im still financially dependent seeing as tuition is more than I can hope to afford even after financial aid. even if I manage to work myself to death while studying and pay the next three years myself, its not like I can just distance myself from any relatives that hurt or stress me. I still have to go back for the holidays and breaks. I still have to call everyday. I also made a long post about this a while ago but my family dynamic is too complicated and permanent. no-contact will not work in my situation. and worse of all, I only went to college to chase a naive fantasy of my ideal life to compensate for my wasted high school experience. I seriously don't care about higher education... im not equipped for it either. im going to an intensive school and it won't be easy at all. university isn't a place to just mess around and make memories, that's what high school was for. im going to be toiling away for an arduous degree I haven't been interested in since elementary school. I am not sure how this is going to play out but I think I made a huge mistake due to my lack of foresight. I was supposed to check out at 16 but honestly im never going to kms for a number of reasons no matter how badly I want it. I didn't plan on making it this far. I have no one to help or assist me. people aren't as friendly here as I thought they'd be. I know it's a spoiled thing to say but don't want this career or this education. I just want my perfect life and im tired of coping and accepting and practicing gratitude. I refuse to force feed myself empty platitudes and false hope. I am a brat and I know what I want. enough money to buy an apartment, a group of people that care about me and vice versa, and a life free from anyone who antagonizes me. Im entitled to none of this. but it's still soul crushing to know that it isn't achievable

here's some good things for a change

I met a few people
I can eat whenever I want now
I can sleep at anytime without being punished
I can work out at the gym
I can take a walk whenever I want to
classmates are still kind of mean to me but at least im not being made fun of

Good luck with it all, glad there are some positives you can list - those are not small things on that list!

I don't know. almost everyone has those things. it just came to me later in life. I don't think it will outweigh what awaits me

Annoying and dismaying as it is we don't have control over much. I'm not sure about it being naive to chase fantasies. If we don't chase anything, it gets boring and depressing, so may as well give it a go. Parts of it are achievable, maybe even 100% of it. The parts of a perfect life might come along sequentially, and maybe when one 'light' comes on, another one goes out. Forgive my philosophizing. Good luck with the classes and other hard work of university life.

Im proud of you! Tell us more about it when you can and we wish you the best

thanks

I will chase vehemently but I am convinced my efforts are a non factor in deciding my future

This is my strange seabird sort of attitude, in other words it's subjective; but your conviction comes from a place of strength.