Stagnant

That’s how I feel. That’s how my life is. That’s how my coping is. That’s how my wellbeing is physically and mentally. Not improving. Not able to push myself to hurt myself because it’s complicated to succeed. So I just have to sit here consumed and consumed and consumed. I can hardly cry anymore, I try writing on reddit just to try to hear some words of support even when words just fly right by me but even what I say there doesn’t matter. I don’t think I want attention. I used to feel like I was screaming for help since I was 10 years old. Now, I know there is no help coming. No one is coming to save me. I can’t save a life and situational existence completely broken into tiny, tiny pieces. My hands are cut every time I try to pick them back up and glue them together. I’m pushed right back down underneath to this torturous reality. No one would be able to handle the amount of trauma I have endured, especially recently. It’s actually not ok for someone to have to suffer through all of that and still not being given help by a useless system that hurt me in the first place. I’m in a new stage again. Acceptance. Accepting defeat. I understand this is all that I get. I get to want normality so badly and have it far away out of arms reach. I get to watch others be able to walk around without collapsing and wish I could just be normal. That those tracks weren’t violently thrown off back in fall 2019. Someone should’ve saved me, multiple, multiple times. I was just a kid. But I was too complex then and I am certainly too complex now. Everything about my situations are too unique to find anyone to relate to. That is the bottom of the barrel of loneliness. I had thought I’d already felt it. Everything is directionless, or I pretend it is. Half the time I pretend I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. The factual, rational, part of me knows exactly what I’m supposed to do. What a human being would do after crumbling from too much CPTSD triggered.

I'm sorry that you've suffered so much.
You deserved to be saved and I'm sorry you weren't. I'm sorry the system failed you so badly.

I hope you'll be able to say more about what you've experienced if it helps. I also understand if you don't feel ready to or want to.

I hope SF will at least be able to give you some comfort and support.

thank you I really appreciate that. I saw my psychiatrist and told her I want to kill myself everyday. There’s nothing she can do but put me on meds again that won’t even stabilize me now. There’s no where I can go for help, I’m completely isolated and have no one to talk to every day. I tried calling a suicide line tonight, it’s like I just do that to make myself feel worse bc there’s no one who cares enough to really be there and talk me through things. There was one operator who was really kind to me and it breaks my heart I have no one to call to help me. I just feel like I am nothing to this world.

You're welcome!
I wish there were a way you could contact that operator again. I think the way the hotlines work though is that you just get whoever picks up the phone.

I think the lines often get a lot of calls, so often people don't get the level of support they need because it's being rationed to some degree. At least that's my impression.

You could always try talking things through here if you'd like.

You matter. You have inherent worth as a human being. The world is just not giving you the things that you need and deserve.

Sending hugs if you would like hugs

Sad that you feel so bad, but good to see you here with us where you are welcome. This is a good spot and fine supportive people. Hopefully we can help you feel better knowing you are a place here and people care.