I don't necessarily have to be the most extreme recluse hacker mad scientist troll schizoid in the world ever, but my entire music taste fashion sense diet favourite things etc revolve around it. So do all of the traits, behaviours, vibes etc that give me brain euphoria, or conversely brain dysphoria. staying up late, playing video games, typing lowercase and minimally, having an emotionless tone of voice, sports such as bicycle or skateboard, and not giving a -expletive- is part of my identity. hence there is no surprise at all that I am ftm transgender male and have anorexic. or how i feel ridiculously ashamed to cry very loudly when overwhelmed with distress.
i've had my fair share of people sexualising me, ridiculing me for being unduly emotionally expressive or overly responsive to my surroundings or attention-seeking in a visceral corporal emotionally driven way, and it traumatises me more than anything. i feel too afraid to leave the house because of it. people that i do not recognise at all, in locations i would never dream of encountering said pppl, seem to recognise me and they do or say things to me that threaten and invalidate my entire sense of identity.
i fantasize about a transtypal brain surgery clinic, where transtypal people are isolated from society (until they have permanently, confidently typesititioned enough to re-integrate without any risk of involuntarily de-typing for whatever reason) to undergo procedures to typesitition to whatever type they identify as not the type they actually are. transtypal is akin to gender dysphoria - except instead of a person's gender identity they feel dysphoria over, it's their brain as a whole (hence cognition, behaviour and personality) that they feel dysphoria over.
i identify as calm in crisis, emotionally inavailable, emotionally inexpressive, detached, absent-minded, unreponsive to external stimuli.
but really i am not - evident in how i spiral emotionally at everything. even something as relatively innocent as instagram feed (my ideal self plays video games and watches television all day e..g has actual hobbies, meanwhile what I really do is use the internet constantly. which hence contributes to brain dysphoria) . every time someone else displays dreaminess, absent mindedness or inattentiveness more than i do i get so hurt.
last night i cried my eyes out at home very loud i was so overwhelmed with the emotional pain caused by misgendering in public (not just the "normal" kind of misgendering e..g mistaken a trans woman for a man or mistaken a trans man for a woman, but when someone on the bus sat next to me repeatedly asked if i were okay (with an annoying tone of voice) then they called me a woman and when i asked if they recognised me they said they did. This was highly distressing because i do NOT identify as an emotionally expressive and attention-seeking person). the aftermath the day after (today) was also feeling brain-dysphoric over crying so loudly and with a non-transitioned voice, even if no one could hear me (well hopefully anyway). as a result i am plagued by not just the normal demons but also hearing female voices and female crying/screaming that make me extremely dysphoric. and as per usual i got triggered by mmy instagram feed because of people that are more ideal self than i am for whataever kind of reason.
every time i get misgendered in public. every time strangers get my typenouns wrong irrespective of what gender they think i am. it brings me to so much tears and the emotional impact is significant. the fact it was complete strangers and not close people is also brain-dysphoric - my ideal self is (generally, vaguely speaking) kinda more introverted.
i also feel brain-dysphoric about typing or writing or speaking in too chat gpt generated of a way if you know what i mean. my ideal self uses language lowercase, minimalistically, in a detached way.
no matter how desperate or effortful i am to become my ideal self, i never get the vibe right. ever. i always look so ridiculous stupid ugly in comparison to the actual ideal self people, in totally unexpected ways - you dont HAVE to be young skinny white male autistic etc to give off "that energy" it's more smth you can't describe. the rules are not supposed to be that strict - and again, that gives me brain dysphoria because my ideal self has a higher degree of lateral thinking and flexibility of thought. compared with some other people, my total browsing histsory as a whole is so humiliating. i am in so much pain, desperate for somehow (permanent) relief. unlike gender dysphoria which can be alleviated with medical intervention eg Hrt, brain/type dysphoria is more uncurable.
i am NOT seeking attention. i am NOT a poser or a pick me. i am desperate to be heard and validated. in a very ideal world, i'd dream of SOMEHOW starting a transtypal community a safe space for fellow transtypal people of varying typedentities and a transtypal brain clinic where transtypal people can typesitition to their typedentities permanently to alleviate a life filled with constant suffering of having a kind of brain, cognition, personality, behaviour, ways of processing, ways of coping, etc that completely mis align with their sense of identity. but sadly that is not possible. the kind of advice i get given is neuroplasticity but that is too vague.
i know all the posts may come across as too samey but i cannot help it , again like i say I AM TRANSTYPAL
i also remember oversharing to strangers on the bus, with a louder more emotional tone of voice. and that makes me so brain dysphoric
i've had my fair share of people sexualising me, ridiculing me for being unduly emotionally expressive or overly responsive to my surroundings or attention-seeking in a visceral corporal emotionally driven way, and it traumatises me more than anything. i feel too afraid to leave the house because of it. people that i do not recognise at all, in locations i would never dream of encountering said pppl, seem to recognise me and they do or say things to me that threaten and invalidate my entire sense of identity.
i fantasize about a transtypal brain surgery clinic, where transtypal people are isolated from society (until they have permanently, confidently typesititioned enough to re-integrate without any risk of involuntarily de-typing for whatever reason) to undergo procedures to typesitition to whatever type they identify as not the type they actually are. transtypal is akin to gender dysphoria - except instead of a person's gender identity they feel dysphoria over, it's their brain as a whole (hence cognition, behaviour and personality) that they feel dysphoria over.
i identify as calm in crisis, emotionally inavailable, emotionally inexpressive, detached, absent-minded, unreponsive to external stimuli.
but really i am not - evident in how i spiral emotionally at everything. even something as relatively innocent as instagram feed (my ideal self plays video games and watches television all day e..g has actual hobbies, meanwhile what I really do is use the internet constantly. which hence contributes to brain dysphoria) . every time someone else displays dreaminess, absent mindedness or inattentiveness more than i do i get so hurt.
last night i cried my eyes out at home very loud i was so overwhelmed with the emotional pain caused by misgendering in public (not just the "normal" kind of misgendering e..g mistaken a trans woman for a man or mistaken a trans man for a woman, but when someone on the bus sat next to me repeatedly asked if i were okay (with an annoying tone of voice) then they called me a woman and when i asked if they recognised me they said they did. This was highly distressing because i do NOT identify as an emotionally expressive and attention-seeking person). the aftermath the day after (today) was also feeling brain-dysphoric over crying so loudly and with a non-transitioned voice, even if no one could hear me (well hopefully anyway). as a result i am plagued by not just the normal demons but also hearing female voices and female crying/screaming that make me extremely dysphoric. and as per usual i got triggered by mmy instagram feed because of people that are more ideal self than i am for whataever kind of reason.
every time i get misgendered in public. every time strangers get my typenouns wrong irrespective of what gender they think i am. it brings me to so much tears and the emotional impact is significant. the fact it was complete strangers and not close people is also brain-dysphoric - my ideal self is (generally, vaguely speaking) kinda more introverted.
i also feel brain-dysphoric about typing or writing or speaking in too chat gpt generated of a way if you know what i mean. my ideal self uses language lowercase, minimalistically, in a detached way.
no matter how desperate or effortful i am to become my ideal self, i never get the vibe right. ever. i always look so ridiculous stupid ugly in comparison to the actual ideal self people, in totally unexpected ways - you dont HAVE to be young skinny white male autistic etc to give off "that energy" it's more smth you can't describe. the rules are not supposed to be that strict - and again, that gives me brain dysphoria because my ideal self has a higher degree of lateral thinking and flexibility of thought. compared with some other people, my total browsing histsory as a whole is so humiliating. i am in so much pain, desperate for somehow (permanent) relief. unlike gender dysphoria which can be alleviated with medical intervention eg Hrt, brain/type dysphoria is more uncurable.
i am NOT seeking attention. i am NOT a poser or a pick me. i am desperate to be heard and validated. in a very ideal world, i'd dream of SOMEHOW starting a transtypal community a safe space for fellow transtypal people of varying typedentities and a transtypal brain clinic where transtypal people can typesitition to their typedentities permanently to alleviate a life filled with constant suffering of having a kind of brain, cognition, personality, behaviour, ways of processing, ways of coping, etc that completely mis align with their sense of identity. but sadly that is not possible. the kind of advice i get given is neuroplasticity but that is too vague.
i know all the posts may come across as too samey but i cannot help it , again like i say I AM TRANSTYPAL
i also remember oversharing to strangers on the bus, with a louder more emotional tone of voice. and that makes me so brain dysphoric
