Hello, just checked my profile and it's been 17 years since I last posted on this forum, so this is like a second welcome. Surprising my account has been maintained after that time but glad it has. Reason I'm coming back now is because recently I feel like I'm getting closer to not wanting to be in this world anymore.
I'm just over a year away from being 40 yrs old and basically my life is empty and meaningless. I have never been able to maintain friendships. I get along fine with work colleagues on a professional level but relationships are never strong enough to last outside of the workplace. I used to be part of sports clubs but I eventually lost the desire and drifted apart from everyone I knew through that. I'm just very socially awkward (likely autistic but never bothered to get a diagnosis, it isn't going to make me feel better having that validation), and find it such an arduous and mentally exhausting task to be social, even though I do genuinely care about other humans and have a desire for connections. Outside of work, I sometimes spend time with my parents and siblings although I only have a shallow connection with them, and outside of that I do everything by myself. I have also been single my entire life and the only form of intimacy I've had has been with sex workers, which I have found a to be a good way to escape, but in the end probably contributes towards leaving me feeling more empty.
I also have quite bad tinnitus (ringing in my ears) which is often hard to deal with, and a couple of other medical issues. Oh but I "look normal", so that means everything is okay right? haha. That's the thing... I've managed to build up a decent career, no complaints about that, and I look just like a regular person, so really, I have no excuse - I'm sure other's on this forum have it much worse than me. People just look at me and assume I have a "normal" life i.e. married with kids etc. So basically I hide everything I'm feeling... the sh*t which I'm saying now I would never say to someone in-person, they would think it's weird, but I'm behind a screen now, so can speak more freely. I'm very emotionally guarded because I'm just not comfortable being vulnerable with people directly.
Anyway, I've said enough for now, while I make up my mind as to whether I still want to be alive, I've started becoming interested in reading other people's stories online, so hopefully I can contribute positively in some way, .
I'm just over a year away from being 40 yrs old and basically my life is empty and meaningless. I have never been able to maintain friendships. I get along fine with work colleagues on a professional level but relationships are never strong enough to last outside of the workplace. I used to be part of sports clubs but I eventually lost the desire and drifted apart from everyone I knew through that. I'm just very socially awkward (likely autistic but never bothered to get a diagnosis, it isn't going to make me feel better having that validation), and find it such an arduous and mentally exhausting task to be social, even though I do genuinely care about other humans and have a desire for connections. Outside of work, I sometimes spend time with my parents and siblings although I only have a shallow connection with them, and outside of that I do everything by myself. I have also been single my entire life and the only form of intimacy I've had has been with sex workers, which I have found a to be a good way to escape, but in the end probably contributes towards leaving me feeling more empty.
I also have quite bad tinnitus (ringing in my ears) which is often hard to deal with, and a couple of other medical issues. Oh but I "look normal", so that means everything is okay right? haha. That's the thing... I've managed to build up a decent career, no complaints about that, and I look just like a regular person, so really, I have no excuse - I'm sure other's on this forum have it much worse than me. People just look at me and assume I have a "normal" life i.e. married with kids etc. So basically I hide everything I'm feeling... the sh*t which I'm saying now I would never say to someone in-person, they would think it's weird, but I'm behind a screen now, so can speak more freely. I'm very emotionally guarded because I'm just not comfortable being vulnerable with people directly.
Anyway, I've said enough for now, while I make up my mind as to whether I still want to be alive, I've started becoming interested in reading other people's stories online, so hopefully I can contribute positively in some way, .
