Celebrate your successes!

Came out of another suicide fight where I yelled over the ocean to the Samaritans. After I came out of it, I posted this to them, and wanted to share it here.

You know, the goal is to have fewer Crashes and more time in between. So I am making progress. Writing on the Forums has been one of the most healing things I have done for this condition of chronic suicidality. I realize other people feel like me; there can't possibly be that many losers and worms out there that don't deserve a space on the planet?

It's just that when a big Crash hits again, I get thrown back to the beginning, remembering all the reasons my mother screamed or the neighbor threatened or the school kids bullied. I have scars inside and outside. I know that terrible time is over and I am big now. I know that I have some gifts that I not only pass to other people to also to myself. But when I slip into the mud, all I feel is suffocation, and that is when I am learning to scream for help.

You are a precious and unique being!

To paraphrase ‘Desiderata’: You are a beloved child of the Universe, the same as the Sun, the Moon and the Stars. You are a precious and unique being of light. Whether you are as yet aware of this or not, we are all on a spiritual pathway. Don’t shy away from this expression. All it means is the rediscovery of the fact that we are a spirit and soul who is only temporarily encased in matter. Before God you are responsible for yourself and for the life you have been given. You are here to become aware that all life is subject to Universal laws and to learn to conduct your life responsibly and in accordance with any spiritual knowledge you may find.

Try not to miss any of the opportunities the Universe is presently offering you. If you open your inner eyes, you cannot fail to recognise that your depression is in truth a gift of major significance that wishes to come into your conscious awareness. Any kind of deep suffering is invariably an Angel in disguise who is reaching out for us. Don’t refuse its invitation, but courageously reach out for its hand and walk with it to find out what it may wish to bring you. The very first thing is the knowledge of your true nature and that is your passport to immortality! To find it, that’s what you came into this lifetime for. Don’t throw this chance away or you could be very sorry when you return to your true home.

Aquarius, I love the way you write. I always feel a cool rush of light when I read you.

I know there is a separate place for poetry, but I don't know if anybody reads there. I also want this poem to be a part of the word "celebrate." So I'm going to submit here and, perhaps, submit to changing it over if I need to.

THE EX

You are so dark, so handsome,
you tell me you’re it, my solo.
You tell me to settle for the edge,
the end. You knock, I say ‘Hi’ every time.

Today you show up, I’m staring you down;
I’ve fallen for somebody else. Yeah,
I’m numb-tired and nauseated;
sometimes flat. Don’t even know how
long I can hold you back. I pick
the complicated lady—she kicks, she
throws and she runs. You’ll forever
be the last on the bench. There’s an
sure differentiation between flying
and basejumping; you always
were a third alternative to both.

Oh, I’m too happy to be
real? Hey, why can’t life be exquisite
at least as, slowly, broken-blading
scarlet, palm to elbow? You’re an easy
living; my kids are so comfortable
with you. You get a look whenever I tell
you I’m okay.

But why can’t joy be at least as authentic
as dog poop, with its own aroma
and configuration? As honest as clouds
and snowflakes fraying my eyes as I dare
the universe to gather me up off the rug?

Your gray certitude of sad still curls,
crashes the rock in ocean time, rinsing
your old words, old beatings abandoned
for sea stars and sand dollars. For now,
we’re looking you straight in the eye, to turn,
to find the wiggly road through the peach
orchards and down past Bonnie’s Arts & Crafts.
:sax

It's good to know that you enjoy my offerings, dear Friend, and thank you for letting me know. Thank you also for your poem. A celebration of the Ex?

It seems to say that it's worth holding onto, when something good has come into our life. When it does, it's always as a reward for things well done. Nothing happens perchance or by accident, I believe that very firmly.

Well I feel my chance of committing suicide has gone from inevitable to very possible, not much of a success but it is surprising progress in a few days considering the pain my depression is causing. I think I can see a time in the future where I may say that I want to live.

I've been working hard using alot i've learned from therapy and books. Writing here, and talking alot to samaritans and others, and sometimes its making me feel better.

for the 2nd morning in a row got moving and we did 25 minutes of mall walking.. have plans to do it again tomorrow..

even got over my dumbs and realized "jim no you are not going blind, it is just that you got to clean your glasses!!!"

Aquarius and Hypotherma you both had some dear and precious words and quotes not so long ago in this topic..thank you both

despite some night terrors and flashbacks i managed to not dissociate this morning.. spent time compensating buying dvds and doing car racing game on my xbox.. hard to let the bad in at 170mph going in and out of the cars and around all the curves in this game... whatever gets one thru the night...

finally shave zoomies and i .. did baths and clean clothes.. day looks better now thank goodness.

after a deep and very negatively involved dream 2nd sleeping shift i got our feet back on earth to the real.. we did half hour mall walk today.. also stopped by target dvd section and managed to get out of there without spending any money.

I am in the acceptance stage of my grieving for my late Shetland Sheepdog. Being able to reach such a stage even with my depression certainly feels like a success. I'm still grieving her, but I'm at a point where I realized that it does get easier with time. It feels like a big success because since January, the grief and my depression were hard to juggle. I didn't know which emotions were caused by which. I've gotten this far, though, and I'm at a point where sometimes (albeit rarely) I look at her old things and smile because I know that once upon a time, she was there.

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." ~Vicki Harrison

Thank you. :hug:

Even though I'm not religious, the Rainbow Bridge poem has brought me some comfort through my grieving. It's a beautiful one and I always love reading it.

I am not religious myself, but being aware that I - the same as everybody else - is a spirit and soul who is only temporarily encased in matter, our physical body, I perceive life in a spiritual framework.

My experience has shown that to this day, for many, religion and spirituality are all too often are exclusive of each other.

despite a slow start , finally got our butts in gear and got what needed doing, done.. 7-11 for smokes and milky way bars and $1 mega and powerball tickets.. safeway for all the things going to need soon.. stop at walgreens and some dental floss.. then home and paid a bill and updated checkbook register..

then shaved us, baths and clean clothes adn dirty in washer.. did not get to the shampoos but my therapist tomorrow will not say anything... part of why i love her and trust her with everything..LOL Jim and John

Today I brought in the mail.