Practical Advice I have a plan

Practicing and repeating this feeling leads straight to agony. The feeling can't be erased or banished, but it can be starved. Really.
A start: Practice love, here - we all need some - and with your parents.[/spoier]

I would actually agree with this, meds are cheating, but then again, life has dealt you a shitty hand, so I would think you have earned the right to cheat against something which clearly isnt playing fair. That being said, meds are not, in my opinion, an answer. They are a crutch. They make a safe and functional space from which you can work on solving your problems. They arent MEANT to be life, they are meant to be a workable platform for you to work on your life until you don't need them anymore.

Besides, some arent all that bad. I know one which makes you sort of unstable, one which seems like a cure but gives you nightmares, and one which makes you feel emotionally flat. (I stuck with that one, it suited my wish for peace from strong emotions.) But my point is that different antidepressants affect you differently, and each antidepressant may affect each person differently, its all about finding one which affects YOU in a way you can work with, and the idea of them all just making you numb is just a myth, mine did a bit, but thats what I was looking for, and it was the only one I tried that did.

Dont deny yourself a tool just because it isnt an instant fix, would you refuse to board up a broken window just because its not a fix? It keep the rain out until you can get it fixed.

Heh, this is SO me ^^ My biggest life's aspiration is to be a husband and father. I think I saw how bad my dad was at it and wanted to prove I could be better and it grew from that, but growing up, even hugging was an uncomfortably awkward experience. I didnt like people invading my personal space and didnt understand why they did. It took my first love to change that. She LOVED hugging, and after a few years, I saw her point. I learned to enjoy hugging just because of how pleasant I found that little intimacy I could share with her, but in the end that was doomed to fail. Unrequited love and all that...

Even after that I hated kissing and stuff like that, it all felt so unnatural and gross. Why does putting your heating-holes together and trying to suck out each other's saliva seem so appealing to others?? I dont even share drinks for fear of backwash! But then, once again I fell in love and I understood.

These sloppy and gross acts people do to each other are just that, sloppy, gross and invasive, something anyone should shy away from, but that's just the act itself. If you take out the love and affection that's all they are, an act, but if you think about the intimacy involved, sharing such an invasion with another human being you truly care about and want to be closer with, it is the intimacy people crave, not the mechanical act, and I have come to enjoy kissing and hugging and closeness because of the intimacy they entail.

But even then, perhaps these things just arent for you, but what I'm saying is that they dont have to be. There are many ways to be intimate. Most people go with physical, but emotional intimacy, like trust and the freedom of self expression without judgement, or intellectual intimacy like sharing all your thoughts and ideas with another person, these things are powerful and dont have to involve any physical closeness. Some complete Asexuals still find love, physical intimacy is just one way to express intimacy, and its not everyone's favourite.

I figured this out at the tender age of 10 (give or take, its hard to remember exact dates from that long ago). I spent the next 20+ years brute-force programming myself to act and think and feel "correctly". Acting normal wasn't enough, I wanted to FEEL normal too, I forced myself to have the "correct" emotional response to things, I pantomimed expressions and reactions, had the same conversations with myself over and over to get the inflections and emotions right, and to MAKE myself feel them. And I largely succeeded, but that complete rejection of my own self almost destroyed me, it very nearly gave me a dissociative disorder, I still don't feel like only 1 person. It wasn't until last year that I realised what I had done to myself all my life and realised one final truth. My feelings are NOT wrong, they are just different.

"Normal" people don't have some magic manual on how to be human, there are just so many of them that they get to define what's "normal". They know how to be them and we know how to be us, but there are more of them so they say we are getting it wrong, when what they really mean is we cant be them, well, they cant be us either. I would like to see NeuroTypicals live in a world dominated by aspies. They would off themselves in droves!

You have to accept that you arent "Wrong", and that there are PLENTY of people like yourself. The biggest advantage I got from my diagnosis is that it defined who thinks like me. We are all different, but Aspies are less different to me than NTs. My diagnosis told me I am not "wrong" and since then I have noticed that most of my friends are Aspies too, and its made finding new friends so much easier. Just look for the aspies, we are all so relieved when we find someone similar that we make fast friends.

I spent my entire adult life clinically depressed, at one point I even shut down and had to leave University for a while. Im sure I made a few threads like this one back when I joined, and a few times since, but now I am 100% free from depression. It has no hold on me whatsoever. Like you I thought intimacy and closeness was not for me and now I have a loving girlfriend, I thought I couldn't enjoy this life, but now I have friends and can smile freely without having to force it. I spent 13 years convinced there was no hope for me, that all I had to live for was to endure and to be useful to others. I knew with absolute certainty that I would die young, alone, and that I would welcome the end when it came.

I am living, breathing, irrefutable proof that things CAN change, even when it seems hopeless, even when you feel you are just wrong, even when you think whats wrong can never be fixed, even when you feel you will always be alone, useless and unwanted. There is no way I could have imagined my life would turn out how it has only 2 years ago, even the DAY BEFORE it started turning around I had no clue, because thats what depression does, it blinds us to hope even when its right in front of us. I wont say things WILL change. To say that is arrogant and dismissive, but things CAN change. there IS hope, even for you.

The reason I ruled out suicide as an option, no matter how much I wanted it, was because there IS always another option we haven't tried. Just to list a few:
- Join the circus
- Tell everyone around you the truth and see how they react
- Quit your job and try a new career
- Cut off everyone you have ever known, leave the country, find a new one and start again from scratch
- Become a wandering soul, helping others with no hope of reward except the validation that you do good things
- Steal a LOT of money and live well for a while
- Become a con-man and get one over on the bastards who have it easy
These are all "options" but for some reason we dont do them because that would ruin our lives. Our lives are already ruined, arent they?? I realised we dont do these things because we somehow value what we have left, so why are we willing to throw them away with suicide?

In the end, we can always try another option, and if you are planning to kill yourself anyway this just gives us MORE freedom to try things, because what does it matter if we are just gonna end it anyway? Try it and if it ruins all, you have your escape, but then if you still have your escape why not try 1 more, and then 1 more, and then 1 more. There are always more options, why skip to the last one before trying the others?

Now the options above make a point but are still a little ridiculous, so lets talk REAL options.

1) Antidepressants.
As I said above, they aren't a life-long thing, but a tool to help you sort things out, and they wont necessarily make you numb, and if they do and you don't like that, try another one. Antidepressants are all different and using them is all about finding one which helps you in the way you need, which gives you a tool you can use and can live with for the time being. If you don't like how you feel on one antidepressant, then try another.

2) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
We don't realise just how many unhelpful mental habits we build up whilst depressed, habits which only work to deepen depression. I haven't been depressed for 18+ months and I am still cleaning up detrimental and unhelpful mental habits from back when I was depressed. CBT is about helping you train yourself out of these habits, habits which only nurture depression. Once you lose some of these habits, things can get easier.

CBT can be a real trial, but it can also really help.

3) Spend less time in your head
Spending time in your head isolates you, and it ruins your mood. Getting stuck in my head is one of my worst habits left over from depression and I still have to shake it off occasionally when it begins to ruin my mood. I saw a TED talk called "Want to be happier? Stay in the moment" which outlined this idea.

Take time every day focusing on mundane tasks, staying in the moment as much as possible. Don't LET yourself think about things too deeply. Don't daydream, even good daydreams. It can be hard, but it can help.

4) Figure out your coping mechanisms
Figure out what moves you, what drives you when you feel unmotivated, what boosts your mood. Mental imagery, music, phrases, a couple of good memories tucked away, an achievement that depression cant take away from you, a poem that inspires you, a video that lets you cry, the release of a good scream, anything and everything. Have it all written down so you know what they are, make yourself an arsenal and experiment to find more. In your lowest moments this can really help take the edge off, and in your highest moment can help give you that little extra push to really achieve something and get a long-needed "Win".

5) Find resources.
Find websites or groups you can use and lean on for support or information. Many people think about support, but information is a powerful tool. Understanding a thing can help rob it of some of its power. Learn and understand how much of what you feel is your depression talking. Knowing it is from depression can help take the edge off. Also Information can give ideas, treatments, but above all, options.

SF is a great resource, not just a place for support and friendship, but a source of information and ideas. People are all sharing their problems and solutions. What worked for them and what didn't. I found some important answers by just browsing SF and reading things.

I always liked TED talks myself, both for distraction and information, and you can find more resources mentioned occasionally on SF.

6) Try to find some answers
Many people cope just fine, why cant you? Its NOT because you are weak or inadequate, its just not, but there may be some underlying reason why you are struggling, something you may not yet be aware of, there was for me. Even if there isnt 1 big answer out there, understanding yourself objectively can help a lot, so read up on different ideas on the subject of depression, explore who you are, not as an enemy you hate, but as a person. Read articles about mental health even if they dont seem to apply to you, they may give you ideas or perspectives which may help you.

7) Don't give up just because you don't see hope.
You're depressed, not seeing hope is practically a symptom. You are worth keeping around, I have only read 1 thread of yours and I can already see that about you. You have the qualities so common in SF and so rare everywhere else, the marks of someone with a good heart. Keep going, things CAN change, even drastically and suddenly and without warning.

Its never hopeless.

8) Find more options
I am just 1 person, there are always more options. Thats why we are here afterall, we are crowdsourcing the fight against depression. The list above is just the basics, there is always more.