How Are You Feeling Right Now?

Just smoked a joint and listened to dubstep for a while. Now I’m crashing right back down again being swallowed by the crushing reality that there’s no escape.

I'm regretting not asking cps if I could've been adopted. When I ran away from home and they picked me up I was only 13 so it could've worked. Now I'm 16 and a half and stuck in a shitty group home in some town in the middle of nowhere with nobody that I really have any connection to. It's crazy how much better my life could be if I just had a normal family.

I’ve been sick in the afternoon with high blood sugar (hyperglycemia) for two or three consecutive days before going to the gym. Each time, I have to sit or lie restlessly for one or two hours waiting to recover. Not sure if it’s because my long-acting insulin doses are off schedule, or I just need more. Bouts of hyperglycemia or hypoglycemia seem to occur once every season. It’s quite tedious and disruptive, and I don’t respond well to losing control.

Seems like everything that could have gone wrong went wrong today. In these dreadful moments especially, I crave refuge, comfort, and physical connection, to no avail, and I wish I could just die.

Good Mike. You're an inspiration.

So I finally yelled back at my family this morning. They keep persecuting me for my faith and I've had enough. They don't like the cross I wear around my neck and constantly tell me tuck it in, and say that I'm a hypocrite if I don't because it's "showy". They don't like that I like reading the Bible often. They don't like that I watch Biblical movies or Christian videos. They don't like me reading Christian books. They don't like that I have pictures of Jesus on my walls, a cross, and a Bible verse (Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand). This particular verse I chose when I felt that I was plagued by something evil and asked God for forgiveness and protection, so it means a lot to me and I love seeing it on my wall daily. Those are just a few examples. But basically, anything I say God-related, anything at all, they call me obsessed, a fanatic, and not normal. So I asked my brother a little while ago, why do you persecute me because of my love for God? And he says it's because I don't do other things, but that's a lie. I paint, I read fiction, I watch other TV shows and movies, I listen to music, I write, and I do embroidery. I definitely do other things, and he has a problem with me studying the word of God no matter what other hobbies I might do. So really, it's nothing to do with him thinking I'm obsessed. It's more jealousy, rage, and pain. He's said to me before, "why do you love God more than me? You hate me." That's what it's really about. That's the devil whispering in his ear that loving God means neglecting one another. No! It's the exact opposite. Loving God first means I am able to love others even more. And him falling for this nonsense constantly kind of angers me. Well, not angers, maybe frustrates; I just want to take him by the shoulders and shake him, and say "Don't fall for it, damn it. Fight, and he will flee. Your reasoning is deeply misguided." Jesus said he comes not to bring peace, but a sword, and that families will be divided. And that's exactly what this is because they're listening to the voice of the wrong one.

I'm regretting not asking cps if I could've been adopted. When I ran away from home and they picked me up I was only 13 so it could've worked. Now I'm 16 and a half and stuck in a shitty group home in some town in the middle of nowhere with nobody that I really have any connection to. It's crazy how much better my life could be if I just had a normal family.

Feeling inadequate and anxious. Plus I had to get hydrocortisone cream for the fly bites on my legs from the beach. Im all swollen.

as a 68 year old with pain and health issues i go through peaks and valleys. right now not doing great but ok enough, needing to take more pain meds nausea etc. but it's ok. it's not too bad and i know for a fact i will peak again and have a good upswing. besides if i don't experience the stench of shit how can i appreciate the aroma of roses lol

mike

it is up to each of your family members if they believe in god or not and if they do how they follow him. what they don't have a right to do is persecute you. i personally no longer believe in religion for personal reasons but we believe in god and constantly pray, not just for ourself but others as well. i have a problem with super religous people because they are preachy but you aren't like that. it sounds to me that you incorporate god and his love into your everyday life. maybe, just maybe, they will accept god in their heart someday

mike....

Unhappy. The thing I'm trying to accomplish right now is all messed up. I have no life here, no life in Australia, and thinking it'd realy be better if I didn't exist anymore.