How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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Tortured. I was at the lowest I have been in some considerable time. I forced myself to go for a walk. Some bloke said "alright mate" and I almost burst into tears, saying under my breath, no I'm fucking not. I sat on the bench near the river and watched the ducks for 20 minutes, then decided to head back. I was careful to avoid the steep hill and the stairs to protect my leg, then making room on the side of the path for a couple and their dogs, tripped over the severed branch that happened to be hidden in the grass at that exact point. Nearly went over on my face. Bloke asked me if I was alright - this time I did burst into tears after they were out of earshot. Had a new pain in my groin for the rest of the walk home which is lingering. If life wants me out of it why can't it just send a fucking missile or something terminal at me? I'd take a bullet for anyone on the planet right now, if someone's dying, let's swap places, they can have the fucking life I don't want. Sadly it doesn't work that way. My only comfort is I will be dead sooner or later, sooner if I happen to exercise any agency in the matter.
I'm OK - ish. Sorry if worried anyone earlier, I sometimes forget other people care and are reading my raw pain writ large on their devices, wherever they may be. I am just overloaded. Too much has happened in too short a space of time, and whatever my capacity is, it has been temporarily exceeded. The weird pain has gone, think it was a muscle spasm and the result of a nervous system on fire due to stress. My first task is to get some sleep. Or try to. Then I triage tomorrow. I'll do what my mental flowchart dictates, so far today I have not self medicated. That was a problem last week and I think I'm getting a rebound effect from it which won't be helping. I might take a valerian/passionflower tablet tonight and some l-theanine, but nothing stronger. @Inastorm thank you.
In short, I feel humiliated, violated, and then swept aside.
I was feeling better. Still hurting but not like I was on Saturday. Morning was fine and I was enjoying it. The simple pleasure of having something of a plan and having worked on ways to inch out of the all work and no play trap I had put myself into.
Around 2 hours ago, my functioning suddenly dropped. I had a feeling in my chest that I describe as “dark.” It was heavy and I had to struggle to breathe at one point. Then the PTSD flashbacks came up. It hurt so badly that I froze. No thoughts, no sensations inside nor outside. Just blank, watching what happened before like a time traveler who can’t intervene. When I got back it was because I had started crying. I’m not one to cry too often, at least not from pain. I didn’t even know I would cry but there it was.
I have my skills from PTSD therapy to handle it and let it run its course, followed by using the skills I have that move me towards a calmer state.
Now, though, I’m incredibly frustrated. I did years of work, maybe more than a decade, to process my shit and move from being stuck in the “freeze” response into a tolerable range of alternating ups and downs. I unlearned my learned helplessness and started to get active in my own recovery.
Then one thing happens and I am right back there. Bordering on paralysis because I’m watching the healthy- ish coping skills crumble and I am back in the state of feeling completely at the mercy of others, and most of them are either disinterested in, or opposed to, my healing. I’m aware of acceptance, forgiveness, and moving on. But what observable actions can I do in moving towards that state???
I am tired. Tired of it always being my job to forgive and move on, but very rarely do I get cut any slack. I’m probably taking things for granted. I know I have been very lucky to have not gotten caught when I was committing crimes at the insistence of my addiction. Even more lucky to have not hurt anyone in an accident when I was driving recklessly. I do get it that I have escaped certain punishments, but it was only because I didn’t get caught. I wish that someone was ever held accountable for screwing me over! But wishing is pointless.
I’m working on it, but I’m also fearing that I can only reassemble myself so many times before I can’t anymore. I need to figure this out. How to live without being shattered into a million pieces every time I get screwed over.
I was feeling better. Still hurting but not like I was on Saturday. Morning was fine and I was enjoying it. The simple pleasure of having something of a plan and having worked on ways to inch out of the all work and no play trap I had put myself into.
Around 2 hours ago, my functioning suddenly dropped. I had a feeling in my chest that I describe as “dark.” It was heavy and I had to struggle to breathe at one point. Then the PTSD flashbacks came up. It hurt so badly that I froze. No thoughts, no sensations inside nor outside. Just blank, watching what happened before like a time traveler who can’t intervene. When I got back it was because I had started crying. I’m not one to cry too often, at least not from pain. I didn’t even know I would cry but there it was.
I have my skills from PTSD therapy to handle it and let it run its course, followed by using the skills I have that move me towards a calmer state.
Now, though, I’m incredibly frustrated. I did years of work, maybe more than a decade, to process my shit and move from being stuck in the “freeze” response into a tolerable range of alternating ups and downs. I unlearned my learned helplessness and started to get active in my own recovery.
Then one thing happens and I am right back there. Bordering on paralysis because I’m watching the healthy- ish coping skills crumble and I am back in the state of feeling completely at the mercy of others, and most of them are either disinterested in, or opposed to, my healing. I’m aware of acceptance, forgiveness, and moving on. But what observable actions can I do in moving towards that state???
I am tired. Tired of it always being my job to forgive and move on, but very rarely do I get cut any slack. I’m probably taking things for granted. I know I have been very lucky to have not gotten caught when I was committing crimes at the insistence of my addiction. Even more lucky to have not hurt anyone in an accident when I was driving recklessly. I do get it that I have escaped certain punishments, but it was only because I didn’t get caught. I wish that someone was ever held accountable for screwing me over! But wishing is pointless.
I’m working on it, but I’m also fearing that I can only reassemble myself so many times before I can’t anymore. I need to figure this out. How to live without being shattered into a million pieces every time I get screwed over.
Awake. Been awake since 6am, got a long day ahead, trying to break it up into stages. Triage/survival mode. Body stats are all weirdly normal - resting heart rate of 58 and blood pressure right in the sweet spot - 105/70, a bizarre feature of my nervous system which appears perfectly regulated even in the middle of a shitshow.
I really don't know. Kind of OK. When I'm in a meeting talking to someone(s) even on screens I feel like myself. Things seem better, more in perspective. I'm not as spirally. Last night I felt better after watching YouTube travel Vlogs. Thinking of all my SF friends and hoping everyone is having at least a tolerable day today.
I have a lot to do today, and no motivation to do it. Not because I am expecting to feel motivated, but rather because I know how it feels to have a to-do list that would take more than a day to accomplish. I am actually highly motivated to get stuff done, but I am aware of feeling weak. It's not a good day for me to be pushing myself. I need to relax a bit more.
I’m so lonely, as indicated by my dream last night. I might’ve taken double the maximum dose of trazodone beforehand because I’m habitually forgetful, and my dream seemed like it would never end.
I was like a ghost inhabiting someone else’s body. I watched through his eyes as he lived his scared, purposeful life with the love of his life, as if it was them against humanity. They were vampires on the run. Through it all, I felt a profound sense of envy and yearning knowing that this worthwhile passion (suffering) and happiness wasn’t mine.
Now, I’m just lying awake dejectedly, contemplating what the use is of getting out of bed, why I still do it, and how I can even carry on this way anymore.
I was like a ghost inhabiting someone else’s body. I watched through his eyes as he lived his scared, purposeful life with the love of his life, as if it was them against humanity. They were vampires on the run. Through it all, I felt a profound sense of envy and yearning knowing that this worthwhile passion (suffering) and happiness wasn’t mine.
Now, I’m just lying awake dejectedly, contemplating what the use is of getting out of bed, why I still do it, and how I can even carry on this way anymore.
