Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?

I have to say, it's not so bad being single. And this is coming from me, the girl who was deathly afraid of my marriage ending, remember? Well, it did, and I'm still well. Better than ever. I had to learn to be single, basically. I know you've been single a while (I think), but that doesn't necessarily mean you learned/know how to be. If that makes sense. Also, you actually taught me how to be less clingy. I used to think I didn't know how to keep friends without growing apart or constantly talking every day. You showed me different. ❤️

What was the first dream you had that was haunting if I may ask? Sorry that I missed it if you wrote about it.

What was the first dream you had that was haunting if I may ask?

I’m so lonely, as indicated by my dream last night. I might’ve taken double the maximum dose of trazodone beforehand because I’m habitually forgetful, and my dream seemed like it would never end.

I was like a ghost inhabiting someone else’s body. I watched through his eyes as he lived his scared, purposeful life with the love of his life, as if it was them against humanity. They were vampires on the run. Through it all, I felt a profound sense of envy and yearning knowing that this worthwhile passion (suffering) and happiness wasn’t mine.

Now, I’m just lying awake dejectedly, contemplating what the use is of getting out of bed, why I still do it, and how I can even carry on this way anymore.

That, @Aurelia.

When you say that I showed you different, I hope you don’t mean by my taking days to respond, lol.

I’ve always been single, and, yes, it makes sense that I haven’t necessarily learned to be. However, when life in a world that you despise just seems empty and vain, and nothing in it inspires you, developing an emotional/romantic connection with someone is the only thing that makes sense. I could tell myself “I need to work on myself first,” and I’d agree in theory, but is my heart really in it? Do I really want that? I do what I must because what else can I do? Again, I have no agency; I just act on my puppet masters’ strings, namely the one in my skull.

I don't know if I'm an adult or an oversized children.

I have so much less experience in every side of human relationships and achievements. But at the same time I feel like many/most people around me are childish or even boring at some point.

I feel like somehow most people around me were raised to worry too much about following a certain path in their lives, a path that they don't even know, instead of living their lives.

Then those people keep thinking about how maintaining their "status" around other people, or how keep their marriages, friendships, like a totem or a symbol of their worth, not thinking if those things are good in themselves.

Or maybe I'm the childish one. Because I never had nothing, I keep thinking that nothing is worth too much to keep it so much between my fingers.

But I don't know, maybe life is about creating meaning out of the void, raising families and buying stuff until you say to yourself that it is all good.

Or maybe who am I to judge the people that I think are "phony" or boring, because in the end every life is meaningful in some way. Or at least that is what we believe in. Maybe in a way their lives are as rich as any life.

Maybe my way of thinking about other people and how "good" or "bad" they are is a inheritance of my childhood.

Mom & Dad and everything around me was all about power dynamics. But how to break that cycle of thinking is impossible because, if I'm not that, then what am I?

Maybe that doesn't make as much sense to you as it does to me, but you also belong for other reasons (I will start listing them if you'd like me to lol)

I dunno, i think it's valid to question and critique the conventional norms of these little consumerist boxes society tries to shove us into. Just so long as you don't wind up getting in your own way or going full Tyler Durden with it.

The things you describe strike me as the thoughts of someone who's broken free from the conditioning that tells you adhering to society's norms is the key to happiness. But that there's maybe a challenge to empathy when turning around and observing those still stuck running in place on that little treadmill. It can be easy to feel a sense of superiority to think of yourself as a "free thinker" unlike them.

But in reality, they're all built with the same framework as us, and they grew up hearing the same messaging we did. They just haven't found their way to breaking free of it. Maybe there's a few in there who genuinely are better off and happier on the treadmill, but the vast majority of them are just people who haven't been forced to find an escape route like we did.

If anything then, it's our responsibility as the rats who escaped the maze to try and help the others escape with us. To be the voice in their lives telling them that it's ok to be whoever they are, that they don't have to live under this arbitrary set of restrictive social expectations. To be the change you want to see in society.

That's what i do for the people in my life. I just listen, and offer support without trying to dictate to somebody who they're meant to be, i let them work that out for themselves. It's resulted in people saying i made them who they are, but the truth is that they did all the work, i just told them it was ok to put the work wherever they wanted it to go. They're far happier and better off because they decided their own path, and followed it with confidence. And i feel like i pale in comparison to how amazing many of them are.

Anyway, yeah, that's just the way i see it. I'd be undermining my own point if i claimed that's who you should be. Just hoping that if i share my own thought process, you might see what i'm saying there. At the end of the day, you are who you are, and whoever that is, it's as valid as anyone else.

It’s tempting, but no, thanks. It means a lot to me that you think so. To answer your first question, yes, I’m a living ghost. Despite what you and some others may believe about me, the universe and this world of ours houses no shortage of contradictory evidence.

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This is one of the most difficult color by numbers I've ever done. And it's looking like a bit of a mess

What was I thinking, trying to be part of a group, wtf. New rule. Refrain in future from joining groups; best for my sanity and I won't ruin other humans' days.

View attachment 73222

This is one of the most difficult color by numbers I've ever done. And it's looking like a bit of a mess

I have been pondering on why it is so difficult to actually act on suicidal ideation. When life is mostly pain (physical and mental). When there is no reason to get up in the morning. When finances suck and you can barely care for yourself. When age constantly brings more problems such as pain, lack of ability to do what you used to do, lack of finances to do what you used to do, lack of friends as more and more of them die, lack of interest in just about everything. And the knowledge that things are only going to get worse and worse. Why is it still so hard to act on suicidal thoughts.
Is it fear that the method will fail and leave you in worse shape. Fear of social consequences of surviving. After all it is very much frowned on. Fear of going to hell. Fear of death even when life sucks. Just the fact that it has been pounded into you that such an act is unforgivable. Or maybe there is some vague hope that if you keep trying you will have a few moments of pleasure left. Whatever it is, I guess we should be grateful. There would be a lot more holes in this world if that reason did not exist.

That depends on how you view the evidence. In Exodus, when Aaron turned his staff into a snake to show pharaoh that God really did speak to Moses and told him to use Aaron to relay the message that he needed to let the Hebrew slaves go and worship YHWH in the wilderness, pharaoh had his magicians and wise men do the same thing with their staffs by the power of evil. They turned their staffs into snakes also and thought it was evidence that their gods existed, when in actuality it was done by demonic influence (but then Aaron's snake swallowed up their snakes to show the sovereignty of their God). So it depends on what you believe true evidence consists of. And I believe there is no evidence that you don't belong, M. None at all.

P.S. sorry for the lengthy biblical lesson. I just find it all very interesting.

It makes sense that perception and confirmation bias play a role in what people deem evidence.

My sense of belonging is still in doubt, but I’m grateful that you think otherwise. Considering how people behave, I sometimes wonder if we’re all even in the same stage of the human evolutionary chain.