Lonely and Bored

Can anyone in the whole world say for sure which way is the right way and which way is not?

Selfish people wouldn't care about that, would they? That's why it's a one-way road. Or a strong movement of non-selfish people must arise to stop the selfish ones. Imho.

hi Gonz

Gonz, I like and appreciate your posts. In particular, your posts about your wife, and I found similarities with my own loss, and found support in reading what you've posted, so thanks

peace

Ouch, getting chewed out by a loved one may or may not be deserved, I’ve experienced both, but strangers knowing your business rarely is.

And physical ailments really make you feel older, aside from being a pain in the ass. I’m in my 40s, but I’m a widower who walks with a cane and lives on social security; I feel like I’m 100.

Friends are so hard to find at our age. So few people are looking for that. I mean, I’m not saying dating is easy, but if that’s what I wanted at least I’d know where to start.

Talking to young people really doesn’t help, lol. My niece stays in the room next to mine half the week, and I love the hell out of her and she’s really nice (plus she bakes a lot!) but she and her friends make me feel positively ancient.

Yeah I understand wanting a certain level of privacy. But if you ever feel like it, there’s an audience.

Thank you @Gonz. I am pretty sure you'd of liked him. I might send you some stories, if you want, in a PM.

Thank you. It is hard finding friends. And the pain does make me feel much older. It seems people my age or younger are a bit nosy, I need a guard/boundary up because if someone has a listening ear I can end up saying something I wish I hadn't. But yeah, who cares what anyone who is a stranger to me thinks.

On the one hand, I’m flattered by what people say, but on the other I feel like I don’t deserve it.

I judge myself by much stricter standards than I would apply to other people. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t seem to help it.

Without being a protector or provide, I don’t have any value. The men I look up to are good husbands and fathers. I’m neither. I hang onto the former because it was the only time I felt good about myself, but it’s not who I am any more.

Jessica chose me, so there must be something good about me, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

Please do.

At least you have enough to live on. Many people don't.

: ) Okay. I mostly have to keep everything to do with him far inside because well you know. I will let memories come out, though it may take me 'til tomorrow for them to drift to the front of my mind.

I was reading about the brain a little bit today. How the glymphatic system is really just recently being discovered and researched. Apparently while we sleep, it goes to work cleansing and refreshing our neurons and tissues in the the brain. I hope you are feeling alright, and still doing some walking, maybe PT when you can?

I don't feel like I deserve anything nice to say about me either. But if you hear that there is something good about you, then it has to be. People seem more ready to put someone down than to see your worth. I don't feel like a good mom. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do better, make different decisions. All we have is now. But I let myself think about the past lately, how I thought I was loved long ago and miss it.
You'll find it, because there IS something good about you. Maybe things changed, but your value hasn't. I like you. Hope you have a good night.

Thank you for saying so. I love talking about her, so it’s nice to know people get something out of it. I’m sorry that you understand how it feels though.

I think it’s the norm, but I hate gossip and I hate the want for juicy bits of information. People deserve whatever level of privacy they want.

I wish I only cared what the people I know and like thought of me.

True. My mother lets me live in my old teenage bedroom, and my sister will let me do the same when she inherits the house (the only reason I’m not inheriting a share is because it will mess with my payments). All I want from the property is a place to live, and since I don’t have kids of my own I’d leave my share to my sister or her kids if she died before me, so I’m happy with the arrangement.

Anyway, the point of all that is that I’m poor, but I don’t have rent to worry about and my housing is secure forever (my father’s life insurance is just enough to pay off the house), so I have enough to cover my bills plus a few small luxuries. Not everyone (including me at certain points in the past) is that lucky, I should be more grateful for it.

You definitely have one less thing to worry about than many other people.

Of course, whenever stuff comes to mind and whenever you feel like it.

I’m really into lucid dreaming (though I’ve been doing it for most of my life and am still very bad at it). Anyway, yeah, I’m really interested in the mechanisms behind dreams and the reasons for them and how little we know.

I am still walking, and now I wear 25 lbs on each ankle and go about half a mile each time. It’s exhausting, but what else am I doing every day? I’ve seen an improvement in my confidence. Also, my legs are ripped lol.

I also sing a lot, I enjoy it (I was a choirboy when I was little, learned to play the guitar very poorly [which I can no longer do] to give myself some accompaniment, and even tried to form a band [until my “friend” gave up after a couple shows and stole my guitar and sold it for meth money]).

It was a nice Takamine too, that cost almost a thousand dollars in 90’s money, that was a lot for a poor guy in his 20s and took forever to save up for (and the owner of the shop was really nice and set it up for me so it played and sounded sweet) I’m still bitter about it.

That was longer than I meant it to be. Anyway, point is singing used to be a big part of my life, now I’m doing it (a lot more privately) to get better at vocal control.

@Gard, I just noticed your sig; this is the first I’m realizing you’re not a native speaker so, if you’re worried about it, don’t be.

It's not as easy to do as it is to say.
I often realize that my words in English may be understood by other people differently than I intend. My English isn't that bad, but I still worry about it. I don't know if it will ever go away.
But thank you. I guess it was a compliment

That makes sense, especially lately (words not coming to me is big issue and very frustrating).