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Pretty sure I just experienced abuse

U

UrbanRose

Well-Known Member
#21
#21
Moomin67 said:
Trigger warning: Sexual abuse

Hey. Very recently my partner did something shocking and completely out of the blue to me. We've had a good sex life (and relationship) up until now. He choked me during intercourse (I consented to this beforehand), but he choked me too hard, about to the point that I almost couldn't breath. I could just about get out the words "too hard" but he responded with "don't care" and continued until he finished. He then laughed it off after and said "sorry, I wasn't trying to kill you". I don't understand it, because up until this he always respected my boundaries during sex, always made sure I was feeling okay, and didn't do anything that hurt me. This was absolutely spontaneous and completely out of the blue. I then brought it up later and told him I was upset, he apologised but I can't get over it at all.

I am going to end the relationship because of this. I now feel scared of him, because he's shown me that he actually cannot control his urges, and saying "don't care" just cut deep and hurt me so much... but he just laughed it off like it was a joke.

I already know what I'm going to do, but I still wouldn't mind input/advice. I'm 34, female, partner is 34, male. We had a normal relationship up until this.
Click to expand...
Do not be in any hurry to "get over it." Not only did he hurt you, but he experienced intense pleasure from hurting you. There is something seriously wrong with this guy. I don't believe Al Capone or John Gotti engaged in that kind of "lovemaking."

Something tells me this incident did not come out of a vacuum. Sexual experimentation can be fun, but when a guy asks permission to fake-choke you, that's not lovemaking. Yet you agreed. Granted - you truly did not expect him to go so far, but did his request not strike you as an insult? You said yes because you wished to please him. A guy who takes pleasure in acting out a violent fantasy is a guy to get the hell away from. A normal man is excited by knowing that he is giving pleasure to his partner. It is psychopathic to get pleasure from causing someone else pain or fear. You thinking it was okay to agree to what he asked makes me wonder what is your opinion of yourself. He's laughing it off now because he needs to minimize it as no big thing. That's because he knows good and well that he violated you. He wants to deny that, and he wants you in denial with him. Stick to the reality of what occurred. It sounds like you are clear about that, for which I'm very glad.

Do not stay with a man you are afraid of.
 
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