Depression holds me like a ball and chain.

It's not a matter of deserving. You're entirely deserving of health and happiness. Deserving a thing and getting it are two different things. To get a thing, you principally have to create the set of conditions necessary to get it, which really doesn't have much to do with deserving it.

Sending hugs

Got up for lunch. Then back to bed. Spent the day in bed. All I see ahead of me is being alone.

I've been sleeping more than usual lately. It seems to be a seasonal thing for me, I wonder if it could be that way for you too.

I'm sorry things are so bad and I hope they'll get better soon.

Sending hugs

I have noticed that I start to feel worse in November, after we turn the clocks back. That's when I stop spending time outside, doing a little gardening and talking with the neighbors. I'm glad the days are longer now. The rose bushes badly need watering. I don't have seasonal affective disorder, and I don't have agoraphobia. Yet, leaving my apartment feel awful difficult. It's some kind of inertia.

Depressive episodes don't usually last this long for me. Somehow I have to make myself do normal things, so I can feel normal again. It's like I have a load of rocks on my back.

Thanks for the input. Hopefully, I'll start to improve.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my primary care doctor. I usually don't bring up the subject of depression. I gave up years ago. But I did ask him a year ago to refer me for psych help. He did, but it didn't last long. The psychologist he sent me to left my healthcare system. My regular doctor has never asked me how I'm doing with my mental health. I'm convinced that doctors never take me seriously. I feel like it's a waste for me to even bring it up. I feel like I'm at a dead end.

Mental health and physical health and spiritual well being all influence and affect each other. I encourage you to bring up the subject of depression with your primary care doctor.....bring up the subjects of diet, sleep and exercise and how depressive mood influences those areas.
And remember that you have friends on this forum.

Hugs UrbanRose

I saw my primary doctor. My weight dropped a bit because I've had less interest in food lately. He brought up depression, so I told him I was still depressed a lot. He said the system we're in changed so that he can not refer me to the psych dept. He said I would have to just go there myself and ask to be evaluated. I wasn't going to do that, but I think I will go there. For over an hour, now, I've had chest pain from anxiety. I keep going back to bed, feeling like I need to lie down. This is not normal for me to be this down for this long. It's been weeks and weeks of ongoing depression. I guess I better try everything I can.

I know a lot of this is coming from being alone way too much. It's been really good to see encouraging posts here. I don't post a lot because there's been nothing good to report. I don't want to just keep whining that I'm in the dumps. Posters on this thread have been kind. People offer sincere feedback, but I realize it can get to a point where people feel they have not much more to add. It all comes down to me making an effort. I've made little effort.

Easter Sunday and I'm still in a nightgown. I hope you are all doing better. I do have the ingredients for a decent dinner. Cooking that is my goal for today, once I can tidy up the kitchen a bit. My goal for tomorrow is to go to the psych facility for an intake evaluation. I got nothing to lose. Just wish I had a little more hope that it will do any good.

Happy Easter or Passover or happy spring to one and all.

Talking about what you're experiencing and getting support is what SF is for. No one is forced to read or reply to your posts. It's not a burden to anyone. No one is expecting members to post only happy news or to hold back about anything on a suicide prevention website.

That sounds good

Hugs UrbanRose

Cooking last evening made me feel much better. Doing anything constructive makes me feel better. But getting started takes such effort. Today I must work on my messy apartment. I move like a snail. I'll go for the psych eval later in the week.

Thank you. It helps me to post my progress, or lack of progress. I improved yesterday. If I can do something right each day, I have a chance of recovering from this lengthy tailspin. It's been weeks and weeks. Too long. Too alone. Coming here, I feel less alone.

You're welcome!

I'm glad you improved at least a little and that SF helps make you feel less alone.

I feel the same way, I understand.

Over the last 2 or 3 days, I improved a bit. I'm still not back to normal. Getting out of this funk has been slow. I tell myself to accept that this is going to be a slower recovery than I've been used to having. At least, yesterday, I watered the rose bushes and did some pruning. I had put down fertilizer the day before. I've been cooking more and eating better. I've been in the courtyard, meeting my neighbors, chatting with them. My place is not as messy as it was. I've been washing dishes after each meal. I've been getting my mail and paid all my bills. I've been walking out of necessity. Doesn't sound like much. But it's a sight better than how I was. I tell myself to just build on that.

It's actually quite a lot, really a huge transformation.

Congratulations!

Hugs if you would like hugs

It sounds likes a lot to me too @UrbanRose. I'm really pleased to read that post. From your point of view, does it feel sustainable, now that a few days have gone by?

No. Not sustainable. I slipped down again. I haven't left my apartment for a few days. Sending too much time in bed.

I'm not doing too good at all. I'm trying to work up the ambition to take a shower. I need groceries. Getting to the store seems way too hard.

sending good thoughts @UrbanRose. I'm glad you posted.

Maybe you will feel okay about getting up and taking a shower.

hugs

I'm sorry things are bad again.

Wishing you good things and sending hugs if you would like hugs.

Thank you. All I do is scroll through videos on my tablet . . . in bed. It has rained all day.