Depression holds me like a ball and chain.

I'm glad you recovered so well. You have being with your wife to look forward to. There's no one left for me.

Today was another trip through mental hell. I got in touch with family far away. That didn't go all that great. We're not the warmest of families.

I can forgive others. What's awful is that I can't forgive myself for turning into a mental basket case. It's anger at myself that's eating me up because I feel I'm just a miserable excuse for a human being. I get very suicidal, but I tell myself that this could blow over. Self-disgust can be worse than anything negative another person could throw at me. Sometimes I want to die to escape the monster in my own head . . . who will never go away, except temporarily.

I've had a good day. Halleluia.

That's good

You're welcome to say more about it if you'd like to.

Thank you. Well . . . I went to a salon for a haircut. Where I usually have gone for 4 years is too far to walk to. It's one of those inexpensive chains. I would accept whichever stylist called my name. The attentiveness wasn't great, but the result was acceptable. At this new place, they were so nice. It was like a "spa" experience. The stylist was super-focused on doing a good job. The manager welcomed me as a new customer and said he hoped I would return again. They were Asian and knew how to roll out the red carpet. The manager even bowed to me when I paid. It was so nice to feel cared about . . . to be treated, as though I were important. Then I did more walking to do errands.

I had lunch in the cafe section of a nice, ethnic market. They were very nice there also. Most of the store's staff do not speak English, so I was forced to come up with some Spanish. I'm very far from being even conversational in anything but English, but they understood me just fine. That surprised me and gave me the idea that I tend to underestimate my own competence . . . that I have more ability than I tend to believe.

That market is a nice place with all the basic necessities that I need to keep my kitchen stocked, and it's just a few blocks away. They have very nice pastries. I should go to their cafe for coffee and pastry, as a way of starting my day. It would give me a reason to get dressed in the morning and leave the house.

I walked over 3.5 miles yesterday to pick up something at a pharmacy. I only walk because standing at a bus stop seems so boring. I did stop for lunch at a nice place, which broke up the walking. I tried renting a scooter. (They're sprinkled all over the city.) But I couldn't get it to go. At least I learned how that works and got the scooter-app downloaded. I'll try getting on one soon again.

Maybe I'll try the bicycle today. Maybe not. It scares me to try.

A distant relative called who was warm and friendly. After I told her I'ld been down, she said nice, encouraging things.

I have a little hope today. My suicidal thinking was getting intense, but calmed down a lot. If I start planning how I spend my time, that might help me stop spending hours just vegetating.

Would be nice to have a friend to talk to. Actually, my neighbors are very friendly. For over a week, I've avoided being outside where I would encounter them. I've been afraid they'll see that I'm kind of a mess. It's not logical, but, when I feel very low, I believe I look awful and will sound awful to others. They must already think I've gone nuts, staying inside all the time. They go out to the courtyard with their dogs. When my mind is normal, I go out and bring treats for the pups, which is fun for me. I'm thinking of getting a dog. Then I would have to go out. But I'm afraid I might neglect the dog when depressed. I had a dog for 6 years that I never neglected, but that was a long time ago.

Now, my place is a mess. If I can clean up and put things in order, it would make me feel much better. I been saying that everyday, but just let things get worse and worse. The aloneness makes me want to just escape into watching videos and reading, even though that's not satisfying to do. Cleaning the kitchen would be a happy accomplishment. I'll try that.

You're welcome!

I'm glad you've at least had some good experiences lately. You deserved a break. I'm glad you got one.

I'm glad you've had some positive experiences too. I hope it's a trajectory that keeps going in a good direction.

The upswing collapsed again.

Yesterday I walked a over a mile checking out some stores near me. After that, I was a little better. Today I never got out of bed. Finally made it to the living room. This is becoming a never-ending bad dream. I can't keep telling myself that this will blow over. I just don't believe that anymore.

I know I'm not sticking to doing the things I should be doing. I'm too demoralized.

You are not alone, Rose. I think about you from time to time, and this forum has caring people who reply to you.
Tomorrow is another day and you can make it better than today.

I'm sorry this happened. Do you feel like there's a trigger for it, or does it just come out of the blue?

I hope things can get better again soon.

Sending hugs

Not out of the blue. I talked to a sister several days ago, which didn't go well at all. I learned decades ago not to ever call her, if I were depressed. She would be dismissive and judgemental. It seemed that maybe she had softened over the years. Plus, I was desperate. So I sent her an email, saying I was struggling with worsening depression. Next day, she sent back an email saying she would pray for me. (I've never known her to be religious. Her kids were raised as atheists, like their father.) One or two days later, she called me.

We got into how I felt bad that she got so irritated with me, when I was at her home in June. I flew out for my brother's burial. I wasn't sure how long I would stay. Driving us back from the cemetery, she told me I was upsetting her life by not having given her a definite date of my departure. She seemed to want me to get going soon, which I did, of course. I had told her, before coming out, that I might visit other family, but I would wait till I saw them and see if they were up for a visit. Otherwise, I wouldn't stay long.

Wanting to know how long a house guest plans to stay, or hopes to stay, is reasonable. This was not a case of me going on vacation. My brother had died of a drug overdose. That's the only reason I flew out there. I hoped this would be a time for my two sisters and I to bond a bit. I didn't realize that my two sisters have almost nothing to do with each other. (They live 2 hours apart.) So they did not try to coordinate with each other about the three of us being together. From the cemetery, my other sister took off. Since I didn't expect that, I had no suitcase with me. So I didn't ask to leave with her. Plus, she hadn't really asked me to visit. So I rode back with my sister where I had been staying. Riding with her back to her house, she went into this speech about how she likes plans and was very inconvenienced by me not having firm dates. I was very hurt. I don't visit often because I live thousands of miles away.

Her husband is not friendly with me. I suspect he had been bugging my sister about how soon would I be gone. It wasn't like her to be so ungracious. I don't believe that this was about her wanting "plans." I've arrived via one-way plane tickets before. It can be a way of getting a cheap fair, if you accept a ticket without knowing all the trip details. It doesn't take more than a couple of days to get a cheap, one-way ticket, using those cheap flight apps on my phone. So me arriving on a one-way ticket did not mean I was planning to stay for some lengthy, indeterminate span of time. Before coming out, I had texted her that how long I stayed would depend on if I went to visit at my other sister's home. In any case, her getting angry with me in the car was uncalled for. I was still choking back sobs over my brother dying.

On the recent call, she was gaslighting me by saying she hadn't been irritated with me in the car. She's done this before. She'll recreate a past scenario, scripting it to sound how she wants it to sound. I didn't develop hurt feelings for no reason. She wanted my stay at her house to end quickly. When I told her I was looking at a discounted ticket that would leave in 5 days, she encouraged me to look for a ticket leaving sooner. So, of course I did. What her big haste was I do not know. Maybe she had pressure from her husband, maybe she didn't. But it was her who was making me feel like I had burdened her. She and her husband are retired, and their kids are grown. Before coming out, I had told her I might rent a car. That was so I would be mobile and could get from one house to another, without family having to cart me around. She strongly discouraged me from doing that. I should not have listened.

Once I got back from the trip, I kept my hurt feelings to myself. That was last June. I had buried it. From last June till March, we exchanged cordial texts and a few phone calls. Even in the car, I had not objected to the little lecture she gave me. She had no idea I felt hurt. At her house, after I told her I had bought a return ticket, she said, "I hope you don't feel rushed." I responded, "Oh, no." I felt like saying, "Yeah, I do feel like you are eager for me to get going." Why else would she even wonder if I felt rushed? But I did not want to have a falling out with her, so I just made "nice" for months.

When I got real depressed 4 weeks ago, that hurt from last year got bad. I had thought, after my partner died, that I could make a visit to my sisters, if the pain of dealing with grief alone got too bad. Instead I stayed home alone because I did not want to impose on them during COVID. I got suicidally depressed, a month after my boyfriend died. So I went inpatient for the depression. I recovered and did very well for two years. I had minimally asked them for any support. I was more than pleased with occasional phone calls. After those two years, I hardly ever got even a phone call. The hurt felt bad. I long put off saying anything about how I felt. In the email, I put it as an apology. I said that I was sorry I over-imposed on her. I said I tried to plan as best I could, and truly did not want to impose on anyone. I told her I had become terriby depressed and that part of it was due to feeling unwanted by my family.

I do know that my sister gets extremely defensive. I hated risking that. But risk it I did. My sister got real angry, saying "You hear what you want to hear!" At that point, I hung up. So our relationship is ruptured. I guess we won't be speaking for awhile . . . maybe a long while. I tell myself that I was wrong to alienate her. She's hurt me before. There's a history behind this, but I won't drag this out longer. It's already a too-long, boring story.

I was kind of glad I let the hurt out. (I'ld been stuffing things for years.) Now I know that won't lead to anything good. I have no one left in my life, except my sisters. I feel like I've lost them too.

I tell myself to just let go and focus on relating to people here where I live. But I'm staying in bed all day and just deteriorating. My sisters were my ace-in-the-hole. I figured that, if being alone got too oppressive, I would go visit my sisters to have a break from being alone and the depression that being alone sometimes brings on. I feel rejected, instead. When my guy died, they acted so concerned and said they would do anything to help me get through the loss. I still believe they meant it then. But, now 5 years later, when I tell them both that I'm barely coping and feel awful bad, they aren't responding. So I feel bereft. This has become worse than how I was, after the death of my bf. Not being able to go places with a car has made everything seem worse.
The worse part is that I feel like I screwed everything up. I feel like I must deserve rejection because of something wrong with me. I'm starting to despise myself, which makes me want to die. I tell myself that this will blow over. I don't believe it will.

Even when I make myself get up and start cleaning the kitchen, I wash one item in the sink . . . and then I go back to bed. As bad as this is, I see the future as getting worse and worse. I think I'm really alone now. I'll just be more and more alone. I'm alone because I'm a reject. There is something too wrong with me to ever not be rejected. Life is all about relationships. I don't have any left. Fear of growing older alone makes me want to kill myself. I know living will mean a lot more bad things to go through. I'm afraid that dying will hurt. But I have to die anyway . . . sooner or later. Dying of natural causes can be a horror show. I've seen that because I worked for decades in nursing homes. I'm terrified of getting older and losing abilities. Suicide might be more merciful than "natural causes." The more fearful I get, the more I want to escape from this.

I think of going to a psych center near me, but I don't believe it would help anything. They have out-patient and in-patient services. I went there many years ago, saying I was very depressed. The nurse there said, "What is it you think we can do about that?". So I'm afraid to go there again.

That's awful. I hope that nurse is not there anymore.

I'm sorry your brother died, and under such circumstances. The hostility and coldness your sisters showed just seems like an extra kick on top of that. Even worse that your sister denied being like that.

I hope you'll be able to find some other connections elsewhere.

Sending hugs

Thank you. I keep thinking I didn't handle things right. All day I've felt so bad. Now I'm having some supper. I haven't been making meals for myself, other than easy stuff like "cup o' noodles." My meal now is sardines and rice. It tastes good because I'm hungry now.

Thanks for understanding.

You're welcome

I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds like your sister feels more comfortable living in a world of lies, so to her the truth is intolerable. It sounds like your only choices were to confront her or to give up the truth.

Hugs UrbanRose

Urban Rose, I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug.

It fills me with compassion to hear you (and other people on this thread) talk as if you think you're not good enough to love or to be friends with. You were good enough for your boyfriend; you are good enough for other people, too. I wish I could hang out with you guys in real life.

It really sounds as if the problem is not you, it's your sisters. I hope you don't mind me saying that they seem a little selfish, or at least a little unsympathetic.

Thank you for the recent posts above. I improved a good bit today. I hope I can hold on to this advance. Tired now.

That's good

More hugs

It's 5:30 p.m. I'm still in bed. Even though I slept well through the night and awoke at 7a.m. I got up to eat at 2 p.m. and went back to bed.

I know that, if I do nothing, then I deserve nothing.