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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?

Lane

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#37,141
#37,141
mosaic hearts said:
Very. If I didn't have a little kitty that I love beyond words, I'd kick it tonight. There's no point to my life anymore. I've hit a brick wall tolerance-wise. Not exaggerating

Ive felt the same way about my beloved cats, I need to stay to take care of her and him. Please be patient with yourself if possible. Your life is valuable although it may not feel like it at the moment. *console
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Lane

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#37,142
#37,142
Reality said:
No. I've been finding cheap things to do, just sketching even if I'm not good, trying to learn some new music to play on piano, and I've finally gotten over the thought of the nieghbors hearing me, so what if it takes me 15 tries to get the first verse right.
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I think that's great @Reality. This made me smile. What kind of things are you sketching?
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
#37,145
#37,145
I'm afraid to say that I am having thoughts. Every time this comes up, I am flooded with memories about what happened at the inpatient hospital where I went for help, but got punished instead. So to avoid that ever happening again, I think I should instill in myself the habit of always saying I'm not. This way, I would deny distress automatically regardless of whether I'm mentally able to think about it.

So, despite being very definitely not the slightest bit suicidal, I am really hurting rn. To the point where I found myself fantasizing about doing something that would put me in possession of a combination of objects that I could use in a moment of impulse to totally not commit suicide, except that physically, I would definitely not have to be alive anymore. This is a really bad sign in my behavior patterns. When I have relapsed on weed or alcohol in the past, it always started with thoughts of shopping around, "just to see what's out there." BS! I am not going into a freakin dispensary and coming out empty handed. My experience is 100% consistent on this matter. Same with other substances - by the time I know of a dealer, or go to a liquor store, I was long past the point of being able to decide otherwise. So it's practically a flashing red DANGER light that I'm even giving these thoughts a passing glance.

Aside from that, I hate myself and I don't feel like I deserve to exist. I am fully aware that these thoughts are untrue, but they are very, very vivid at the moment.
 
mosaic hearts

mosaic hearts

I am we - working hard at getting it together.🦋🐻
#37,147
#37,147
My feelings aren't as intense as yesterday, thank heaven! Too many things came at me all at once yesterday, & I really had a severe time coping & tolerating everything. I just wanted out. But my love & responsibility for my 12-year-old kitty, Abby, overrode all that & here I am to fight another day. Dealing with my mental health (e.g., C-PTSD, etc.), my physical health (e.g., severe asthma, hypertension, etc.), at the same time as work stress (e.g., workplace bullying by a narcissistic, overcontrolling employer & repeated abuse from a client over a four-month period that just stopped at the end of last June (e.g. disparaging remarks about my person, poking me in my left eye resulting in a scratch of my cornea necessitating antibiotic eye drops, & threatening to k*ll me on two separate occasions [I'm not kidding, fibbing, &/or over-exaggerating]), was too much to bear already. But then flashbacks came last Saturday & yesterday making everything even worse. Thank God no flashbacks today. So, my distress has eased to more tolerable limits.
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
#37,149
#37,149
I'm still in a lot of pain. I seem to be more or less okay in the morning, but around the early afternoon it gets more and more troublesome to keep disputing the intrusive thoughts. It's exhausting and my sleep is patchy, so even staying awake is a burden. The reason I'm posting this is to say I could really use some extra support today. I have no idea what that would look like, but practical suggestions are probably not it. Trust me I am coming up with more strategies right now than I could even experiment with. It's not what to do that I'm stuck on, but how and why. I desperately want to give up.

The intrusive thoughts have gotten more intense. I think it's at least partly due to a sense of needing help for being out of my depth. The reason the flashbacks about the inpatient abuse are more persistent lately is probably that I need more help than weekly therapy, but in my state I am entirely unqualified to assess whether a given provider is trustworthy. I have an extremely poor track record with that skill. There are fates worse than death, and IMHO what happened to me when I ended up inpatient is one of them.

As far as I can tell, the root cause is that I'm overwhelmed by my job hunt and at the end of the day I notice that I have no particular impetus to do it. I barely want to live so why not just coast until I fall into financial catastrophe and no one would be surprised at that point? So I'm forcing myself out of fear of being unable to pay my rent after the unemployment assistance runs out. I do have savings, but that is dwindling. Additionally the stress of still being jobless is humiliating and drags me down more than anything. I just hate having to say that I don't have a job yet when family/friends ask how the job hunt is going.

Normally I would think that putting more energy into the job search would at least help. I'm doing that now and I'm hurting more. The job market is utterly crap right now - the main jobs I see posted for what I do at my level are state or federal contractor jobs (gee, can't imagine what might have caused that problem) - and they require a security clearance to work with data that is sensitive. I have always handled confidential data ethically in my career, but only at for-profit corps where they don't do an investigation any more involved then getting a background check. I am HIPAA certified so yay for that. Everything I saw yesterday was Secret Clearance level, which is a heck of a process and very intrusive. Helping my sister get a mortgage by co-signing was a process that felt overly invasive, so I cannot imagine what the clearance investigation is like. I have heard from co-workers in the past that it's a nightmare.

With all that said, I'm interested in doing some skills practice and upgrading. Doing projects that I can build a portfolio around will showcase what I can do and that is a big leg up in my field. It also feels a hell of a lot more interesting than trying to plop enough keywords into my LinkedIn profile so that I come up at a higher position in search results. I chose the field that I'm in (more like it chose me as I found a niche that I was good at and enjoy) because I get energized by solving problems and learning new skills. Probably need to find a good balance between the slog of job search and the more exciting part about building stuff to convince a hiring manager that I'm walking my talk.
 
mosaic hearts

mosaic hearts

I am we - working hard at getting it together.🦋🐻
#37,150
#37,150
LumberJack said:
I'm still in a lot of pain. I seem to be more or less okay in the morning, but around the early afternoon it gets more and more troublesome to keep disputing the intrusive thoughts. It's exhausting and my sleep is patchy, so even staying awake is a burden. The reason I'm posting this is to say I could really use some extra support today. I have no idea what that would look like, but practical suggestions are probably not it. Trust me I am coming up with more strategies right now than I could even experiment with. It's not what to do that I'm stuck on, but how and why. I desperately want to give up.

The intrusive thoughts have gotten more intense. I think it's at least partly due to a sense of needing help for being out of my depth. The reason the flashbacks about the inpatient abuse are more persistent lately is probably that I need more help than weekly therapy, but in my state I am entirely unqualified to assess whether a given provider is trustworthy. I have an extremely poor track record with that skill. There are fates worse than death, and IMHO what happened to me when I ended up inpatient is one of them.

As far as I can tell, the root cause is that I'm overwhelmed by my job hunt and at the end of the day I notice that I have no particular impetus to do it. I barely want to live so why not just coast until I fall into financial catastrophe and no one would be surprised at that point? So I'm forcing myself out of fear of being unable to pay my rent after the unemployment assistance runs out. I do have savings, but that is dwindling. Additionally the stress of still being jobless is humiliating and drags me down more than anything. I just hate having to say that I don't have a job yet when family/friends ask how the job hunt is going.

Normally I would think that putting more energy into the job search would at least help. I'm doing that now and I'm hurting more. The job market is utterly crap right now - the main jobs I see posted for what I do at my level are state or federal contractor jobs (gee, can't imagine what might have caused that problem) - and they require a security clearance to work with data that is sensitive. I have always handled confidential data ethically in my career, but only at for-profit corps where they don't do an investigation any more involved then getting a background check. I am HIPAA certified so yay for that. Everything I saw yesterday was Secret Clearance level, which is a heck of a process and very intrusive. Helping my sister get a mortgage by co-signing was a process that felt overly invasive, so I cannot imagine what the clearance investigation is like. I have heard from co-workers in the past that it's a nightmare.

With all that said, I'm interested in doing some skills practice and upgrading. Doing projects that I can build a portfolio around will showcase what I can do and that is a big leg up in my field. It also feels a hell of a lot more interesting than trying to plop enough keywords into my LinkedIn profile so that I come up at a higher position in search results. I chose the field that I'm in (more like it chose me as I found a niche that I was good at and enjoy) because I get energized by solving problems and learning new skills. Probably need to find a good balance between the slog of job search and the more exciting part about building stuff to convince a hiring manager that I'm walking my talk.
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I do a lot of blah blahing myself, LumberJack Jack. You're in great company!
 
mosaic hearts

mosaic hearts

I am we - working hard at getting it together.🦋🐻
#37,156
#37,156
may71 said:
That's good :)

It's awful that you've gone through so much, and have even more trouble piled on top. I'm glad you've got Abby at least.

Sending hugs *sadhug
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Thank you!

I have a friend who lives over 200 kilometers away from me. She's awesome. I just don't want to burden her with my stuff. Her daughter, who's a few years younger than me, just had knee surgery. My friend has enough on her plate without me overburdening her. She doesn't really know how I feel.
 
may71

may71

mr. may
#37,157
#37,157
mosaic hearts said:
Thank you!
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You're welcome! :)
mosaic hearts said:
My friend has enough on her plate without me overburdening her. She doesn't really know how I feel.
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Different people have different levels of how much support they can offer. I guess in an ideal situation the lines of communication would be so good that she would be able to tell you what her limits are, but ideal situations are hard to come by.

Idk, it's tricky. If you ask a friend for more than they are willing to give, it could push them away. On the other hand, letting a friend know what's really going on is part of being close.
 
Inastorm

Inastorm

SF Supporter
#37,160
#37,160
I dont know what it is @seabird with people trying to assign blame.

My person had sent me an email a while ago with 'forgiving the unrepentant is like trying to paint flowers on water' in japanese at the foot of the email. Like im a failure too.

You know its not YOU, at worse its a combination of factors but you did not fail.
 
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