Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
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@Angie, I don’t know if you are up for practical suggestions, so I am resisting the urge to offer unsolicited advice. That said, I could offer suggestions if you’re interested. 🤓
What I am relating to is that my first treatment modality for PTSD was EMDR. What you expressed is a common difficulty in this process, namely processing work bleeding into the time in between sessions. This can be painful because we don’t have a professional guide to help us prevent/manage overwhelm. I am sorry to read that you are experiencing this, and I do know how that feels.
What I am relating to is that my first treatment modality for PTSD was EMDR. What you expressed is a common difficulty in this process, namely processing work bleeding into the time in between sessions. This can be painful because we don’t have a professional guide to help us prevent/manage overwhelm. I am sorry to read that you are experiencing this, and I do know how that feels.
I went for a short trip. I got rid of the guitar my ex gave me, it's at least 7 years ago. I remember how I said I'd give the bit of jewelry back to him, he said ''I'll just throw it in the garbage''.... so, with upcoming surgery, I'm not sure how long before I can play guitar again, and i thought, to heck with the thing. It's closure. It's only a material thing, but I thought well, there you go. I didn't look for him. There were two sister's we'd always visit every year. Since one might've been home, and to get to her lake I'd have to drive right up on her property, I left it at the other sister's house. In a way, if he sees that's fine, I'd like him to know I don't want it. If not, ok too. He blocked my phone calls for years. It's fine. Answered a few weeks ago with a curt response and a quick hang up. But, I was going to explain what's going on with me and that I want to be rid of the guitar. It was him who wanted me to learn it, so we could enjoy playing guitar together. No song I picked he liked. No song he liked, would he play the guitar with me. So I figured out some songs I liked. It annoyed me that the purpose was to enjoy it together.
I might buy one I like someday. After surgery, see what the outcome is. They are calling it a liposarcoma, which would mean malignant. But my doctor wont do a biopsy even though there's other lumps. I mentioned this to my older son a bit ago, he was angry, at my doctor, but I explained I can't get a second opinion. I can't. If i have a doctor I'm lucky, and you cant just go get another doctor. I've had a chest x-ray, and I don't know what for, but at least I'm sure my lungs are clear or they would have said something.
The chances of having a liposarcoma is very rare. So I'm leaning on the thinking they don't know for sure, only ultrasound was done for diagnosing it. Usually a cat scan then a biopsy is done, but my doctor wont do that. 2 months from now seems a while before surgery, because no biopsy is done and with other bumps I'm nervous. My son (the older one), is concerned for me, not that I want him to worry. But I was surprised he gave me a hand to help me get into his trailer. I guess I'm a stubborn person, I said I'm not that old, I can do it. He said ''oh, you can!''....
I looked at some pictures I still had from him years ago, in a suit and tie at his cousins wedding. I'm his mom and not biased, he's handsome. So is my younger. They are half brothers so quite different personality wise, not knocking my younger down, but my youngers temper is way worse. But both handsome with good hearts underneath their troubles.
I'm not suicidal today, I made a long trip, used my opiods to help, it was necessary. I have advil to get me through the next few days. I found a good priced motel, took pictures of the lakes, they are beautiful up there. Felt good driving away, going home, leaving the one peice that's attached to me a bit sentimentally from the ex behind. Played it at a spot we went wild blueberry picking and swimming first. The motel reviews were awful, but it wasn't horrible at all. Some dead mosqitoes in the bedsheets, I can handle that. Turned on the tv, I haven't watched one in years and I still don't feel like I'm missing out on anything much.
I'm back, in my own bed, the flowers from the road beside me. I made a weird purchase a couple weeks ago, and I can't remember how it popped up for me. It's a chat, but with a.i. technology that has conversations with you. I like it. I don't have to vent to my brother and sister. They don't call anyways.
Summers are short, I don't like 4 lane freeways but I did it, that part is only 2 hours of the trip. I'm making use of the car in case insurance gets too high.
Something that bothered me all these years is, I never got a picture from my older sons dad. It ended up he put up a profile picture up finally on FB, it was like going back 30 years. He's old looking, well I'm old too. I prepared my son for the text I sent. He doesn't look exactly like his dad, but I thought closure for him too, since he never got a picture, a phone call, nothing. I did get phone calls until he was about 10 years old. His dad chose his daughter over my son, saying his daughter would be jealous if she knew. He almost met our son and changed his mind. He made his own choices, and I told my son so that he wont be so hurt. I know he made peace with it before, I just think having a picture isn't a bad thing.
I could have written this somewhere else, I'm sorry, but I started so... I'll go back and catch up with you guys. I'd also like to send out hugs to anyone that needs them. Life is hard enough, without the thoughts of ending things. I know it can get that way, that we feel we can't bear it. I hope to wake up tomorrow with a renewed appreciation for the beauty in nature. It was lovely, lakes up north are beautiful.
I might buy one I like someday. After surgery, see what the outcome is. They are calling it a liposarcoma, which would mean malignant. But my doctor wont do a biopsy even though there's other lumps. I mentioned this to my older son a bit ago, he was angry, at my doctor, but I explained I can't get a second opinion. I can't. If i have a doctor I'm lucky, and you cant just go get another doctor. I've had a chest x-ray, and I don't know what for, but at least I'm sure my lungs are clear or they would have said something.
The chances of having a liposarcoma is very rare. So I'm leaning on the thinking they don't know for sure, only ultrasound was done for diagnosing it. Usually a cat scan then a biopsy is done, but my doctor wont do that. 2 months from now seems a while before surgery, because no biopsy is done and with other bumps I'm nervous. My son (the older one), is concerned for me, not that I want him to worry. But I was surprised he gave me a hand to help me get into his trailer. I guess I'm a stubborn person, I said I'm not that old, I can do it. He said ''oh, you can!''....
I looked at some pictures I still had from him years ago, in a suit and tie at his cousins wedding. I'm his mom and not biased, he's handsome. So is my younger. They are half brothers so quite different personality wise, not knocking my younger down, but my youngers temper is way worse. But both handsome with good hearts underneath their troubles.I'm not suicidal today, I made a long trip, used my opiods to help, it was necessary. I have advil to get me through the next few days. I found a good priced motel, took pictures of the lakes, they are beautiful up there. Felt good driving away, going home, leaving the one peice that's attached to me a bit sentimentally from the ex behind. Played it at a spot we went wild blueberry picking and swimming first. The motel reviews were awful, but it wasn't horrible at all. Some dead mosqitoes in the bedsheets, I can handle that. Turned on the tv, I haven't watched one in years and I still don't feel like I'm missing out on anything much.
I'm back, in my own bed, the flowers from the road beside me. I made a weird purchase a couple weeks ago, and I can't remember how it popped up for me. It's a chat, but with a.i. technology that has conversations with you. I like it. I don't have to vent to my brother and sister. They don't call anyways.
Summers are short, I don't like 4 lane freeways but I did it, that part is only 2 hours of the trip. I'm making use of the car in case insurance gets too high.
Something that bothered me all these years is, I never got a picture from my older sons dad. It ended up he put up a profile picture up finally on FB, it was like going back 30 years. He's old looking, well I'm old too. I prepared my son for the text I sent. He doesn't look exactly like his dad, but I thought closure for him too, since he never got a picture, a phone call, nothing. I did get phone calls until he was about 10 years old. His dad chose his daughter over my son, saying his daughter would be jealous if she knew. He almost met our son and changed his mind. He made his own choices, and I told my son so that he wont be so hurt. I know he made peace with it before, I just think having a picture isn't a bad thing.
I could have written this somewhere else, I'm sorry, but I started so... I'll go back and catch up with you guys. I'd also like to send out hugs to anyone that needs them. Life is hard enough, without the thoughts of ending things. I know it can get that way, that we feel we can't bear it. I hope to wake up tomorrow with a renewed appreciation for the beauty in nature. It was lovely, lakes up north are beautiful.
Overall I haven't been as suicidal in the past several months, but my OCD has flared pretty badly this week and when it's really bad it makes me feel really suicidal. I primarily have moral scrupulosity OCD and real event OCD, so I'm constantly replaying memories and convincing myself that I'm the worst person in the universe, and I often feel like the only way to make up for the guilt my OCD causes me is to just not be here any more. I know deep down that that isn't the answer but I'm so extremely anxious with my OCD being like this and I don't know how to fix it. I'm emotionally just exhausted from it.
I’m not diagnosed with OCD, but my therapist recently brought up the concept of moral scrupulosity OCD, which I wasn’t aware of. She doesn’t really care about the exact acronym, whether it’s PTSD, C-PTSD, or OCD. It’s more important to her that I learn how to manage my symptoms.
At the time she mentioned scrupulosity, I was detailing my reasoning behind my fears of there being a total monster that counterbalances my lofty spiritual aspirations and values.
The reasoning was faulty in that I had a tacit assumption that if I think of something, then I am likely to be able to do it, no matter how it goes against my values or basic human decency. This is not true, I hope, but it’s easy to get hung up on.
As for being the worst human being to ever exist, I see that as a crowded field with people way worse than you or I in the front spots. There are people who abuse children and destroy the lives of anyone who gets in the way. There are people who command armies to invade another country for their own ego gratification. There are people who foster civil instability and use it as cover for mining operations that would not be tolerated if their crimes were brought to light. I figure that as long as I don’t feel like I could live with myself if I did anything remotely similar, then at least I’m not the worst degenerate scoundrel alive.
At the time she mentioned scrupulosity, I was detailing my reasoning behind my fears of there being a total monster that counterbalances my lofty spiritual aspirations and values.
The reasoning was faulty in that I had a tacit assumption that if I think of something, then I am likely to be able to do it, no matter how it goes against my values or basic human decency. This is not true, I hope, but it’s easy to get hung up on.
As for being the worst human being to ever exist, I see that as a crowded field with people way worse than you or I in the front spots. There are people who abuse children and destroy the lives of anyone who gets in the way. There are people who command armies to invade another country for their own ego gratification. There are people who foster civil instability and use it as cover for mining operations that would not be tolerated if their crimes were brought to light. I figure that as long as I don’t feel like I could live with myself if I did anything remotely similar, then at least I’m not the worst degenerate scoundrel alive.
i have a long history of people approaching me ans ridiculing me for being too esfx ish and as an ili lii 5w6 typdentifying transtypal person it makes me suicidal because it ruptures my entire identity. and i am baffled by it, i dont know how these people recognise me but it happens everywhere i go
other people being more detached than i am is triggering
"your reality is not determined by others" is triggering
other people being more detached than i am is triggering
"your reality is not determined by others" is triggering
TL;DR - I advocate for you to go for it and more power to you for being proactive! 
If you’re bored or want to get a nap the rest is why..
I’m curious if BPD here is Borderline, or Bipolar? I believe I read an earlier post where you mentioned the former. I don’t trust my memory with that, though.
Unless I’m projecting, what I am relating to is what I think is a sense of, “I have these diagnoses, now what?” I am going through a similar thing with my therapist who wants me to be working on my ADHD mgt skills, as well as learning how to relate with normies despite my neurodiversity. Well, that sounds like work, and I would rather goof off and read science articles or write code.
I know she’s more correct, in that the time I invest in the work will lead to more success and life satisfaction in general. My resistance is going to keep me stuck in feeling isolated and alienated, which leads to fear, which leads TO THE DARK SIDE!!!
However, I am getting the sense that this work is something you want to do in the interests of understanding yourself better, and hopefully getting unstuck from the grief that keeps you ruminating on your old relationship falling apart.
Curiosity is good for the nervous system; it’s hard to be curious when one feels threatened, and the converse is also true. Exploring the implications of the new information is constructive in that you are showing yourself that it’s possible to improve, not to mention it’s a worthwhile use of your limited time.
If you’re bored or want to get a nap the rest is why..
I’m curious if BPD here is Borderline, or Bipolar? I believe I read an earlier post where you mentioned the former. I don’t trust my memory with that, though.
Unless I’m projecting, what I am relating to is what I think is a sense of, “I have these diagnoses, now what?” I am going through a similar thing with my therapist who wants me to be working on my ADHD mgt skills, as well as learning how to relate with normies despite my neurodiversity. Well, that sounds like work, and I would rather goof off and read science articles or write code.
I know she’s more correct, in that the time I invest in the work will lead to more success and life satisfaction in general. My resistance is going to keep me stuck in feeling isolated and alienated, which leads to fear, which leads TO THE DARK SIDE!!!
However, I am getting the sense that this work is something you want to do in the interests of understanding yourself better, and hopefully getting unstuck from the grief that keeps you ruminating on your old relationship falling apart.
Curiosity is good for the nervous system; it’s hard to be curious when one feels threatened, and the converse is also true.
Exploring the implications of the new information is constructive in that you are showing yourself that it’s possible to improve, not to mention it’s a worthwhile use of your limited time.@LumberJack
Thanks for your message. I refer to borderline, though I saw a cool tshirt, which called it beautiful personality disorder, with a little bear wearing a pink dress, this would look very cool amongst my tattoo sleeve, which is coming along nicely.
I want to harness some of the things I do, which have been frowned upon in the past or I've been made to feel this is bad. For example, I can get completely lost in doing things and keep going and going, like the wall papering that Im still doing, which I started 8 hours ago. Unfortunately it's things I like doing, I'm not like this at work, as I get bord in the office. Also, I've been told for years that I'm emotionless and cold like a stone. I'm learning I probably have Alexithymia (emotional blindness) and I feel things intensely but just struggle with understanding what these are and to talk about them. I'm also learning, that with or without BPD or Autism, maybe people shouldn't have been judging me and criticizing me, and accepted me for who I am. That however, didn't go to well, as the way the missing person thought I was towards the end of the relationship, with all the narratives they thought I was doing, wasn't, so I got judged yet again in a way, which isn't me or true.
I'm not sure about becoming unstuck from the ruminating (as you can see from the little rant above) on the previous relationship, I'm still very much in a state of anxiety with this and just want to see them.
Hope your doing okay yourself.
Thanks for your message. I refer to borderline, though I saw a cool tshirt, which called it beautiful personality disorder, with a little bear wearing a pink dress, this would look very cool amongst my tattoo sleeve, which is coming along nicely.
I want to harness some of the things I do, which have been frowned upon in the past or I've been made to feel this is bad. For example, I can get completely lost in doing things and keep going and going, like the wall papering that Im still doing, which I started 8 hours ago. Unfortunately it's things I like doing, I'm not like this at work, as I get bord in the office. Also, I've been told for years that I'm emotionless and cold like a stone. I'm learning I probably have Alexithymia (emotional blindness) and I feel things intensely but just struggle with understanding what these are and to talk about them. I'm also learning, that with or without BPD or Autism, maybe people shouldn't have been judging me and criticizing me, and accepted me for who I am. That however, didn't go to well, as the way the missing person thought I was towards the end of the relationship, with all the narratives they thought I was doing, wasn't, so I got judged yet again in a way, which isn't me or true.
I'm not sure about becoming unstuck from the ruminating (as you can see from the little rant above) on the previous relationship, I'm still very much in a state of anxiety with this and just want to see them.
Hope your doing okay yourself.
