alone

Nobody is worth your peace or your self-respect. Sounds like you constantly had to sacrifice one to protect the other. Transition is always painful, and I’m sorry you have to go through that, but I think you’re entering a better period in your life.

I actually didn't read all your posts in this thread ( 500 is a lot 😅 )
But I still wanted to reply ( I hope that's okay )
I don't know who the him is but reading few of your posts , it seems like you're in grief .
I think what you're about to do is very courageous and I genuinely admire that . Wish you best and sending hugs ( if you're okay with it ) if not just know I wish you good things. Grief is tough but it's the testament of love , I feel like everyone carries it differently but if you ever feel like ( because of societal pressure ) that you have to move on , I just want to say you don't have to do that and all your feelings are valid .
Loneliness is dreadful as well , I hope you find a home within yourself ☘️💜☀️🌻

Relieved, retrospectively speaking, that I managed to dodge a bullet. Granted, I paid for a lot of things which are lost since I cannot get them back. At least I didn't give in to all his financial manipulation. Things would now be so much worse for me if I'd complied with his high pressure, for-your-own-good advice. For your own good my a** - he was pushing for actions which would've hugely benefited him, at the expense of myself and my offspring.

Thank you Gonz. Unfortunately, really doesn't yet feel like that, as I'm almost constantly sad. Though intellectually a part of my brain understands this.

Hugs Seabird

These pictures are incredibly beautiful! i miss the ocean! Thank You for posting and sharing them.

I managed to do a halfway decent painting today.

Some bits of sense might be trickling into my stoopid brain.
1. I thought my distress was caused by the break-up, and I was furious and disgusted with myself for not getting better.
2. I was stuck on a horrendous emotional loop because I didn't know what was tethering me.
3. I was refusing to admit how much power he used to have over me.
4. I mis-judged the problem, thinking it was all due to my weakness. I was tethered by trauma from the manipulation and abuse.
5. I'm injured but I still have my strength.
6. I can work toward not being disgusted or ashamed of pain and sorrow.

I think points 4 and 6 might be especially pertinent. Or at least, they stand out most to me.

Even the best of people can be manipulated under the right circumstances, and pain is a perfectly normal response to your situation.

You seem to see both as a reflection on yourself though and, for the life of me, I can’t understand why.

Being upset with the world, or with how life has turned out makes perfect sense right now. Being upset with yourself doesn’t.

You’re closer to the situation, maybe you’d know better. But I don’t think so. Unless there’s something you’ve kept hidden, I think this is a case where those with some distance have better perspective on it, and literally no one but yourself blames you for how you feel.

@Gonz that puts a light on a couple of items in my landscape. I'll do a think on what you said here.

This might not make much sense without the details, but I can't write about them. It's gotten a bit complicated around some people and issues irl. I'm trying to stay well back of the emotions and just come at things logically. It seems sometimes there are sub-narratives going on, which I have not the slightest interest in reacting to or even knowing.

Make sense to me , take care

It's good to know someone understands thank you @Congratsbaby. My taking care lately is all over the place but I'm working on it. I hope you're doing alright

Well I am glad my understanding could made you felt good , I understand anxiety does that or sometimes we are just too excited nonetheless I hope things fall in your favour. Thankyou for your hopes regarding me ❤️