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alone

seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#461
#461
may71 said:
I hope you'll be able to free yourself from toxic memories. I have my own set of toxic memories, so I know something about what that's like.

Sending hugs
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Thanks May71. I aim to transform the - I'm not sure what to call it - the thing that happens when those memories come up into consciousness &/or into bad dreams.

If I keep practising, I think their poisonous effect can be re-routed to a neutral 'place' in my mind. It has to be caught just at that moment, synapse, thought-loop, whatever it is.

I hope you can be free of your toxic memories.

hug
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
#463
#463
I'll be gone said:
Lieber Seevogel, ich kann dich so gut verstehen...
Fühle wie du. Bin schon sehr, sehr lange schwer krank und habe darüber alle meine Freunde verloren... Und mitten im Kreis meiner Familie fühle ich mich auch unendlich einsam. Wie in einer Blase, aus der ich nicht herauskomme und niemand zu mir durchdringen kann...
Dass du ausgelaugt und völlig erschöpft bist, glaube ich dir auf's Wort. Diese Gefühle martern einen ohne Pause! Wie soll man da neue Kraft schöpfen können? ...
Nun sind wir immerhin schon zu zweit mit diesem Gefühl.
Dieses Gefühl der Einsamkeit, ein dicker, kalter Nebel, der einen permanent umfängt...
Es berührt mich, deine Not aus deinen Zeilen zu spüren und ich möchte dir sagen: Ich bin da, Seevogel... 🫂
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seabird said:
sorry, I cannot read your post @I'll be gone. I'd like to understand - Could you translate it back to English?
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hey, I noticed it has been a few days since @i’ll be gone wrote. I have some German words, but I haven’t used it in so long that I’m really rusty. Just for fun, ran this into an online translation program. It came out surprisingly well. Here’s the translation according to our robot overlords:

Dear seabird, I can understand you so well... Feel like you. I've been seriously ill for a very, very long time and have lost all my friends because of it... And in the middle of my family, I also feel infinitely lonely. Like in a bubble from which I can't get out and no one can get through to me... That you are exhausted and completely exhausted, I believe you at your word. These feelings torture you without a break! How are you supposed to be able to draw new strength?... Now there are already two of us with this feeling. This feeling of loneliness, a thick, cold fog that permanently surrounds you... It touches me to feel your distress in your lines and I want to say to you: I am here, seabird.
 
seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#465
#465
Grateful for your post @I'll be gone. Sorry to read of your illness. Do you want to say more about it? it's okay if you do not. I hope it can be turned around and a healthy life be yours.

Recently, I've been more centered* and less lonely than when I started this thread in the Spring of 2022. Though I am now more solitary, I'm not distressed.

*I'm still struggling, but less fear & anxiety due to a change in circumstances.
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
#466
#466
seabird said:
@LumberJack oh, a surprise, :) thank you for getting that post translated. I knew it was German because my family has some Austrian folks, but lol that's as far as I could get.
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I have spent some time in Germany. A few of my relatives are like really, really into genealogy. My sister is Mormon (they take genealogy seriously, for, uh, reasons…) and my uncle worked on the software that eventually became ancestry.com. The earliest relative that we can trace back continuously was in Trier (not sure about spelling), in the 17th century. So that’s pretty cool and I wanted to roam around my ancestral homeland, lol.

I found German surprisingly easy to pick up. It felt like every day I went to bed in Germany, I had at least 50 new words that I didn’t know in the morning. I sort of wing it on the grammar, but I must have done okay, because there was a turning point where I could ask a question in German and get a response in German. It was the strangest thing, because when I got there I was able to do basic politeness and navigate train travel, but I would ask a question in German, and get a response in English. I was so proud of myself because I struggled with Italian, and French was just impossible for my brain.
 
AvidFan

AvidFan

Retired Cat Staff
SF Supporter
#467
#467
LumberJack said:
I have spent some time in Germany. A few of my relatives are like really, really into genealogy. My sister is Mormon (they take genealogy seriously, for, uh, reasons…) and my uncle worked on the software that eventually became ancestry.com. The earliest relative that we can trace back continuously was in Trier (not sure about spelling), in the 17th century. So that’s pretty cool and I wanted to roam around my ancestral homeland, lol.

I found German surprisingly easy to pick up. It felt like every day I went to bed in Germany, I had at least 50 new words that I didn’t know in the morning. I sort of wing it on the grammar, but I must have done okay, because there was a turning point where I could ask a question in German and get a response in German. It was the strangest thing, because when I got there I was able to do basic politeness and navigate train travel, but I would ask a question in German, and get a response in English. I was so proud of myself because I struggled with Italian, and French was just impossible for my brain.
Click to expand...
Lol, I started doing French and German at 6th form and it turned out German was impossible for my brain, but I did Ok with French. I dropped out of German after a week 😂 I was Ok with the phrasings and had visited Germany twice as a kid, and knew a lot of words and phrases by memory, but it was all the grammar/cases that had me totally lost trying to learn it at a higher level.
 
seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#468
#468
I've always wanted to learn French, Italian and Greek. @AvidFan I'm envious you learned French, at my school we took Spanish from year 1 through 10. I haven't practised though, so it's somewhere in the back of my mind at this point.
If I ever get tp go on a painting workshop in *Greece, maybe I'll get to pick up some of the language.

*Ελληνική Δημοκρατία
 
CrashBandicoot

CrashBandicoot

SF Supporter
#473
#473
Since I started isolating myself, I didnt really think I felt lonely
I sort of wanted to be lonely
I would smoke weed and talk to people in the MMORPGs I played.
I felt I got enough social interactions from that.
That was sort of my life for some years
I did prefer not to have many interactions IRL as it just lead to being hurt in the past
I have a really hard time trusting people
But I suddenly wanted a cat
So I got one
And was very nice company
About 8 years later he died
Now I felt loneliness for real
The apartment felt so empty
Would look around all his usual spots and expect him to suddenly show up
Ofc he didnt
But I knew what loneliness felt like then
 
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seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#479
#479
Tentatively holding on to a place of less anxiety. It requires resignation. Any thoughts of what happened and sh bears its ugly teeth. Started reading about Cézanne and it's strange to understand, to get what he's saying. It's no wonder that I failed at attempting to live with someone who had no interest or ability to know who I am. It continues to hurt. A lot. I should've figured this out 9 years ago.
 
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