Relationship age gap ?

I have been struggling with realities of the age difference between my husband (82) and myself (62)...and feel horrid for feeling this way... as worry so much about his health (COPD, heart issues, recent edema) and know that he is frustrated/depressed about it all too as he now spends 99% of his time indoors on the computer. For the first time I am now doing all the garden watering and he isn't able to go on even a short walk with Brinny. I fully realize that I am so fortunate and am so grateful though that we share our lives together, we have traveled in the past & had adventures, and now that I'm retired prepare meals together, watch programs, and also that we are safe & secure where we live. I just feel like I am shutting down because I feel guilty about talking on phone to/seeing friends, doing volunteer stuff or exercise classes--just seem to only leave house for dr appts or grocery shopping--

Not sure why posting but feeling torn I gues...wonder if anyone else in relationship age gap and may have some advice...Worry that I am being self-centered/self0absorbed/selfish? If so, please be honest and tell me so...

I think the best thing is to try and keep him as independent as possible. My dad is bad on his pins but he has a rollator with a seat so he does a bit, sits down and then does a bit more etc. he also has a mobility scooter to take the dog for a walk etc. there’s other aids like perching stools for cooking etc. hope this helps x

It sounds as if you are likely to outlive your husband. If, out of some kind of solidarity with his health problems, you cut yourself off now from friends and activities you enjoy, they won't be there for you when you need them. You should not feel guilty about taking care of yourself as much as you take care of him. The fact is, you can't take good care of him if you neglect yourself and your needs. And he loves you, so I'm sure he doesn't want to see you erasing yourself and your needs on the altar of his.

As you are taking on a different, more caregiver role at this point in your marriage, it's fine to take some time to honestly assess what your needs are and how to fulfill them.

From reading your posts, to me you always sound capable and balance and very kind. You noted serious issues with his health which you're alrealdy supporting him with, and maybe feeling kind of drained once in a while? Even if it's never said outloud, it's natural for any human to want both scenarios: partner at home with him all the time, and partner to have maximum health, friends, various autonomous activites, joy. As much as you can, stick with those parts of life uplifting you, and all those subtle fulfilling bits which keep one's eyes bright. @Kiwi2016 (h)

@Kiwi2016
It is extremely important to keep your self identity along side your shared identity with your husband. If anything happens to him, you will find it extremely difficult as everything will have revolved around your relationship.

I was told this years ago but i focused on the relationship more than my self identify, where i am now struggling.

Think about blocking off time to visit a friend or go shopping, have Thursday afternoon as you time for example.

Good luck

Yes you are right about keeping him as independent as possible and had been trying to do that with him watering garden etc. but now that we're in summer heat with poor air quality it bothers him so much. I try to be outside with our puppy thinking he may come out in the morning to do a bit of pruning...but more often than not he doesn't. I think part of it is his own frustration with his limitations as his mother lived till 107 and was very active until the last few years of her life. But will keep in mind mobility helpers as maybe he might consider it.

Yes you are so right, I am feeling more like I'm entering a caregiver role and admit it is draining a bit. And you are right that I need to try to continue to keep up with the things that uplift me as well. I will give that some thought as to how I can do a few things---even if just doing my volunteer library duties a couple days a week, talking with friends at least, and once past my cataract surgery consider going back to doing exercise class or two.

Yes, I never would have thought that as his mom lived to 107 and healthy and independent until last few years of her life. You do have a valid point as we have no family (his brother is in some snit so hasn't talked to us for over 6 months and other family is in Ireland) and I am the last of my family. And admit realizing how we don't really have a support network as see others do where we live who have friends who are there to help out. This is something to think about a bit. Forming friendships when older is challenging and it is doubly challenging as he just really doesn't feel the need I guess for friendships or to do things and now with the puppy it's an additional excuse of sorts to not do things or have people over. Feel like catch-22 but will try to do something for my needs.


Yes you are so right. I have a tendency to do that as I did it with my career at the cost somewhat of our relationship and when that came to an unexpected end it was quite impactful on my self identity. And yes there is a similar pattern now. I will work on doing something with a friend even if just talking on the phone...

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and support. More appreciated than you may ever know. Life is a journey as they say and navigating the unexpected is part of it. Wishing you all the very best for today and always!

Why is it that all seems so possible during daylight hours and yet so daunting at the wee hours? Sigh. Did have great chat with a friend yesterday...so that was a first in awhile...so guess as they say change begins with small steps and key is to keep up momentum.

Hey Kiwi

Have you ever asked him if your active and outgoing lifestyle bothers him?

It is possible that you have created this guilt upon yourself that he doesn’t even feel.

Also if he can’t join you in walking Brinny or gardening, maybe try to video chat with him whilst you’re doing those things so he can enjoy watching you do things to care for the both of you @ gardening.


In the wee hours our brain is often more relaxed and less busy so we make it busy by thinking too much. Don’t know if there is a remedy. If you find one, share it with us please 🙏🏾


I wish you both the best.

Thanks for your kind words. In part I think that it does bother him as in the past my job was rather all consuming and frequently "on-call" 24/7 as was curator of historic structures at a museum (wont mention number of times had phone calls and/or had to drive 1 hour to deal with the latest crisis). So, now that I'm retired he wants to spend time with me and for me to be home. So, I do get it. Just need a few breaks so once we're past some dr's stuff on both our parts may try to talk with him so can do a thing maybe once a week or so.

Thanks for the suggestions. The morning walks are 6:30amish so he's still sleeping and he can see me in the garden from his office window in our home while he's on computer. So not sure how viable that would be but maybe will take photo or two while walking that can share with him later in the day of something find interesting either of Brinny our corgi puppy or a plant in someone's yard (?). .