identity invalidated everywhere, nowt i can do about it

I am so ESFJ I want to die.

BEING russian BEING a gamer BEING dissociative BEING autistic is INTX 5w6 coded. (not literally obv but stereotypically speaking if you know what i mean0
WANTING TO BE russian WANTING TO BE a gamer WANTING to dissociate WANTING to be autistic is ESFX 2w3 coded.
see the difference?
identity, authenticity =/= image, love, external validation, sex

but stuff like maths, wikipedia, drugs, intricate philosophy theories, obscure horror, vocab like "spaced out", messy hair, bmi that is actually skinny not "slim". It just omits a vibe to me that really fucking touches me, I want to BE it so much.

I long to be an AUTHENTIC BOY, not a POSER GIRL.


Im so shallow

"You have so many books yOuRe So SmArt" I am too much of a corporal fleshy being too tuned into my senses. Everyone knows that. Literally everyone around me is even a little bit deeper than that.

constant psychological pain all the fucking time every single day.
tormented by flashbacks.
tormented by self-loathing.

every interaction with anyone, even complete strangers, sends me into tears, too upset to reason with (like a fucking ESFJ an EXTREME esfj)

I am not dissing on anyone, "the other side" is so pretty, everyone is nice in their own ways, human behaviour is really multifaceted not that black and white, but for it to get mixed up (I think I am "schizoid recluse hikkikomori autism" or smth but in reality I am an attention-seeker larper) causes negative feeligns

fuck i wish i could delete or edit this post

"Am I too [insert trait]?"
answers their own question
in tears because of it

Every day I imagine things that make me feel uncomfortable. shitty ai generated cringey sci fi stuff that my psychologist probably associates with me "nOt LiKe ThE oThEr BoYs", i find it so awkward, regretful, wishing to be more like the other boys/girls but i cant help but yk, latch on otherwise

Don't you think you might be putting words into people's mouths and thoughts into their heads that aren't actually there? Your posts give me the impression you think everyone around you is thinking the wrong thoughts about you all the time, but is it not at least possible that most of them aren't really thinking about you at all? They're probably thinking about themselves and what they guess you are thinking about them.

I feel so called out.
So self-centered.

We're all pretty self-centred when you get right down to it.

In a way you are....as far as I understand it a linguistic indicator of depression is heavy use of statements starting with "I".

One other thing to think about that won't always be true but is worth a thought......let say hypothetically some had a crippling physical illness in a leg.....would the cure be to use that leg more? Generally no. The brain can be the same way. Like can someone who experiences psychotic episodes rationalize themselves out of those episodes? Also no! Those two examples are the same.

It seems like as a outside observer that your doing your own version of those two examples.

It's an insight! Thank you

I think you nailed it. In reality, most people are just caught up in their own stuff. Most folks are too busy worrying about themselves. Sometimes the story in our head isn’t what’s actually happening.