Rant about misery , posted for sanity

The title is a bit exaggerated. I would stay sane , I talk to myself and other people in my head all the time anyways
Gonna be all over all the place

I am struggling and I say weird things and do such things to act cool. ( The first line is sort of an example )
Admitting I am struggling feels real. So I don't like that , not so openly ( I have limited posting threads for reasons )

Posting it anyway , I may need it.

I don't like the need of things I don't have - social connection , communication skills , being " normal " according to society's pov , love.

Okay so I am struggling and it sucks when you're struggling and people are like " bitch you know what's wrong so just fix it " no listen , I really would have
I fucking would have , do you think I am enjoying this ? I would rather get attention by doing something that I truly wanna do than through my suffering and the suffering doens't feel good.
But I can't , because it's not that simple , because maybe if it would've been that simple then everyone would be their own doctors.

I am trying to self help since that's the only option. I am in just a bad bad place , I can't read , I am being repulsive towards healing. It's so exhausting reading articles after articles , trying to talk to people and they are nice but obviously they are not professionals or they don't have your solution.

I feel alienated. I have something I just can't find on the internet , have searched so much. Or maybe that is so much for me ( because low energy levels etc )

I wish I had someone who understood me and loved me

I miss people I had in my life for brief , I find that embarassing to talk about. You're not supposed to miss people if they are alive and were in your life for a short period of time and it's been more than a year. I don't think that but I know a lot of people do. Maybe the people that were in my life thinks the same.

I hope one day people realise how important mental and emotional health is. Like truly , so truly that it gets normalised around the world like physical health is.

You actually remind me a lot of myself. I've been through so much of what you're describing here. I don't have much else i can say to a lot of this other than i completely understand, and you're not alone.

I do have something i want to say about this bit in particular though
Screw the people who'd say that. You're allowed to miss whoever you miss, regardless of how long you knew them for, or how long it's been. There's no minimum time/engagement requirement, or statute of limitations on it. Missing people isn't a logical process, it's purely emotional.

I miss people i only knew for a little while. I miss people i knew decades ago. I miss people i don't miss. Hell, i even miss my abuser sometimes. He was a bastard who made me a lesser person, and made my life worse, but i still miss him, or at least the person i thought he was. There's no shame in it, or rather there shouldn't be. You simply feel whatever you feel, which can't be logic-ed out of, and if anyone has a problem with it, that says more about them than you.

Dear Congratsbaby

First of all, there's no "supposed" when it comes to feelings. But if there were, then of course we are supposed to miss people we cared about when they're gone. In the immortal words of Marva from Andor, "That's just love. Nothing you can do about that." I miss many people who used to be in my life and aren't any more. People who think it's humanly possible to care for someone and then switch those feelings off like a tap when you haven't seen them for X number of months are either sociopaths or just plain wrong. A loss doesn't have to be a death to cause grief and longing.

Secondly, you desire social connections because you're human and we need social connection for our psychological and spiritual health. We thought we could substitute the internet for human contact. We were wrong. Some people are now trying use ChatGPT as a substitute. It isn't really working for them.

Right now you're in the process of learning the communication skills you need. For some people this comes really easily, but others (like me) have to work at it. It can be difficult and awkward but the eventual payoff is huge. The yearning you have for someone who understands and loves you is also 100% normal and healthy. Pretty much everybody feels that way. You'll find someone, and probably more than one. If you're lucky they'll love and understand you, and you'll love and understand them, for a lifetime, but if it doesn't pan out that way, well, that truly is life.

Don't give up! You can do this.

Hey thankyou so much , this is so sweet !
I..feel very alone in my experience but since you shared this and licorice liked it too , I will try to remember it. That I am not alone and it's okay for me to miss
Thankyou once again.

Thankyou so much licorice 💜
I feel really understood , thankyou. I don't have more words than thankyou but I mean it.
If you would like to comment further , I would like to know what you meant by " internet "

Other than that , yours and @Lisa the Goatgirl 's thread. I read them now completely but saw a few of their glimpses earlier and I cried. Thankyou it was needed and I am grateful.

I guess by "internet" I mean social media. I am on social media probably more than is good for me, but I do also have a network of real life connections and a very sociable job that involves a lot of human interaction. Social media is easier than real-life interactions; you don't have to deal with a whole other person, only that limited aspect of themselves they put on display online, and you don't have to make an effort to keep a conversation going.

I remember feeling exactly like you when I was your age. Your adult self is struggling to emerge from the cocoon of childhood. It's the most natural thing in the world at your age to feel everything intensely, to hurt and yearn and feel inadequate and anxious about the future, and wonder if you'll ever be loved. There's nothing wrong with you: you're perfectly normal, in your own unique way. Just keep doing your best. No one can ask more.

It's really ok to miss people if that's what you feel.

Sending hugs if you would like hugs

That sentence is about as important as it can be. Most people think of health and it is along the lines of medical, dental, vision, all important but the mental and emotional is just as important and possibly more so. A person's outlook on life and all about them is so much a deal. Never do or try to sweep it under the rug. Things bringing someone's will and spirits down can never be underestimated. Human have survived outrageously horrible physical conditions because they felt they could and willed that it would happen and they could endure.

I agree with you

Thankyouu I appreciate it , I am okay with hugs sending them back 💜

I see , I agree with that it's easier doing it and that we don't get to see the whole picture ( unless we get close to that person )

Thankyou licorice , I appreciate it. I feel less alone knowing you felt it too and perhaps my peers feel it too. Thanks