Ideas & Opinions A horrible question of blood and hormones

So let's say, for the sake of argument, you're a trans woman. A family member you love very much has recently passed. You're grieving, but as a silver lining, this family member has bequeathed you a quarter of their estate in their will. This family member did not know you were trans, and in fact, was one of the only people you hid it from out of fear of how they'd react, what it could potentially make their final days like to know. You hid it because you'd rather do everything you could to make sure they died in blissful ignorance.

You need to transition, and feel ready to make medical steps towards that. But because the NHS is a mess on trans healthcare, if you want it done any time soon, which you very much do, you have to get it done privately. Which means throwing money at the problem. Quite a lot of money. Money you don't currently have. But money you're now likely to have very soon.

You know this family member would want you to spend the money on something meaningful, that would tangibly make your life better, and you know this is the thing that would do the most to improve your life. But you also question how this family member would feel about you using their money to achieve it, given you aren't sure they could've even accepted you if they'd ever found out who you really are.

My question is, if you were this purely hypothetical and totally not me trans woman, would you be able to make peace with using the money you got from the inheritance to pay for the bills of your trans healthcare? If not, how would you use that money in some other way, knowing it would be used less meaningfully than it otherwise could be?

Yes, hypothetically speaking, I'd make peace with using the money for whatever would help make life better.

I would advise this hypothetical woman, who totally isn’t you, that once money enters her possession it becomes her money.

Her grandfather (?) might or might not care about her transitioning, but that is several steps removed from where the money to do so came from.

He would however want her to use it for something that makes her happy, something lifechanging.

Also, causing herself harm (by delaying transitioning) for purely symbolic reasons sounds dumb to me.

The takeaway from all this is that it’s definitely not you we’re talking about here.

Yknow, this hypothetical trans woman has hypothetically had that thought too. Like, yeah, great, symbolic respect for the dead is nice and all, that's why she's attending his hypothetical funeral, but is it really worth making her life significantly, materially less good than it could be? Especially when she knows her hypothetical grandad wanted her to be happy, in his own way? When there's a chance he might even have encouraged her to use the money for that had he known?

Your point about the separation of him and the money he left in his will is also taken. Once it's all said and done, it will ultimately be my money. Er....her money.
Same rules as i've learned over the years apply to a present. Someone buys you a Ferrari for example, yeah, you can responsibly drive that thing and get it properly looked after for the rest of your life. Or you can intentionally immediately crash it into a ditch, then set it on fire. The people who gave you it can think what they want, but at the end of the day, that's your Ferrari, so you and you alone get to decide what you do with it.

That’s the deciding factor then, he might have been cool with it. Give him the benefit of the doubt; there’s no reason not to.

Um hypothetically. Or not. I forget which parts.

Adding to the mix a strange totally hypothetical story: what if there was a young woman who had been partners with someone a long time. Sometimes, they'd fight and break up and then time would pass and they'd get back together, you know the sort of thing. Time moved on during one of their estrangements, and the man died in a horrible plane wreck. She got a phone call from his mom; where was the will? He'd left his trust fund to her in his will. Since they weren't together when he died, she felt it would be wrong to accept the money, and she had burned her copy of his will, which turned out to be the only copy.

It sounds like this hypothetical woman had done the symbolic gesture very effectively, but a guess a bit too effectively. So how did this she feel having burned the only copy of this hypothetical will?

As the story goes, she feels life would've turned out a lot better.

Thank you for sharing that hypothetical story. It helps as someone trying to work out which road would lead to wishing i'd taken the other. And i'm sorry to hear this hypothetical woman has to live with that regret.

(h) @Lisa the Goatgirl Something good can come out of the story if it's a kind of signpost at crossroads to choose what is in your best interests.

Even if this hypothetical relative had told the hypothetical beneficiary of their will that they did not want said hypothetical beneficiary to use the money for transitioning, once that money becomes the property of said H.B. it is theirs to do with as they wish. I don't hold with people trying to control others from beyond the grave. Life is for the living.

Thanks for contributing Licorice.
And same to the others. Everyone that chips in their 2 cents makes it easier for me to find peace with my choice.

I would do what makes me happier and trust that this will positively affect those I come into contact with henceforth, there could be all kinds of benefits not just to myself, and this would be very meaningful in itself.

I have never received inheritance so I can't know how I would really feel about it, but from my point of view, it doesn't really matter where it comes from. Inheritance is a gift indeed, to be grateful for, but not be pressured by. Once it's yours, you do what makes you happy with it (legal and ethical).

Plus, I am the kind of person who would want to use the inheritance of a transphobic person precisely for transitioning, or donating it to a pro-trans organization if it was too much money for me.

(Not saying your grandpa was necessarily transphobic or a person whose views should be disrespected, it's just another scenario. ^^)

I’m aware that I’m late to this… hypothetical dilemma, but the trans-woman would know this best: is her grandfather the type of person who would bequeath something with strings attached or dictate how someone uses their money, gifted or otherwise? She might just be overthinking it. Either way, I suspect she would be far less at peace with abstaining from using her money as she sees fit, so I’d advise her to simply take what she gets.

Lol. Oh, absolutely.

horrible question of blood and hormones
I don't think there's anything horrible about it, or you @Lisa the Goatgirl

This hypothetical grandfather seemingly had a very specific, very traditional vision of what he wanted for her. Always asking if she'd met any nice women, always pushing her towards the typical straight male goal of the wife, the house in the 'burbs and the 2.5 kids. He also told her once he found the idea of her being a gay man "disgusting" and went into denial about it, hence her feeling the need to hide her transness.

But at the same time, he never acted manipulative towards her, or like someone who would exploit power like that to get his way. He was just a bit blunt and a product of a different era, plus a few bad experiences with the queer community. She couldn't imagine him attaching strings to the money, cos he'd respect her right to make her own choices, even if he disagreed with them.