Ideas & Opinions Am I Diabolical?

Historically I have always focused on the negative aspects of situations.

It was doom and gloom.
cup half empty

Sore throat= throat cancer
Abdominal Pain =appendicitis
Bad cough = pneumonia
Blurry vision= glaucoma
Migraine = tumor/brain cancer
ectera ectera

I find myself -in fore thought- possibly wanting to witness bad outcomes.

Is this normal?
If yes, it is normal unilaterally regardless of mental illness diagnosis? Or are these thoughts common for sufferers of mental disorders? Or trauma survivors?

Bear with me as I try to explain this as best I can without sounding like a deviant

e.g. seeing speeding cars or erratic drivers thinking they should get into a bad wreck

e.g. if a kid is walking in the street AFTER being told not to - thinking if they get hit then they’ll know to obey

e.g. vile people harming others with behaviors or laws - hoping death greets them publicly ( during a press conference)

Some thoughts I have to pray about because I don’t believe in my heart that I really want to witness it but the thoughts haunt me.

I can’t recall if I use to welcome those thoughts when I was severely depressed or not. But through self awareness and healthy coping strategies, I do not like having some of those thoughts. That’s me admitting that some of the thoughts I still hope for @ the vile people example.

That all sounds pretty normal to me. Lots of people are hypochondriacs. The "that'll teach 'em" attitude, which you describe as wishing bad outcomes on people who do bad things, is, I think, an almost universal human experience. We all want to see people suffer the consequences of their actions. It feels like poetic justice.

I have some thoughts on this subject that may or may not apply to you or anyone for that matter.

I believe negative thinking comes from a generalized fear of life. The source of which remains unknown, but probable comes from negative childhood experiences. It leads to a desire for control situations that are not possible to control. This leads to a desire to punish those who do not act like we think they should.

This world is what we think it is. Thoughts tend to become reality. So for better outcomes in life think more positive thoughts than negative.

Well, i can ultimately only really speak for myself, but my answer is kind of a combo of Licorice's and Lekatt's. I had a lot of those same thoughts before, and to some much lesser degree still do. And to me, it feels like it came out of this deep-seated frustration with the world.

People could do and say all the right things, and suffer terribly, or randomly drop dead one day, when they still had so much left to do. Meanwhile other people could form a whole successful life off the back of being the worst kinds of person, and ultimately die comfortably of old age at the end of a life of luxury. So i think a lot of those thoughts on my part came from a desperate wish for the world to make sense, to see karma actually work as people claim it does.

I just wanted to live in a sensible world where people get exactly what they deserve, nothing more, nothing less. To know something or someone was manning the helm, and we weren't just drifting through random chaos. Plus i think in a way it was attempting to rationalise why i had to suffer so much. "If the world clearly worked like that, i could at least truly accept that i deserve this for being such an awful person."

Yes, this makes sense. I spent decades wishing for mortality to PDFs. And still do. Karma doesn’t seem to come fast enough to those who harm children especially those SA*ing children.

And somewhere in that hatred for all of them, I felt that I deserved pain as well for being a victim then, but survivor now.
It didn’t make sense spiritually (religiously) and it doesn’t make sense legally either. No forgiveness no redemption no rehabilitation just removal from society. 🥺🫣

Karma is delayed. Justice is denied.
Evil prevails and the wicked reigns.

I wonder if maybe subconsciously as I suffered internally I thought the world knew. I hated being in public because I thought people could look at me and see my pain, anxiety, and yearning to be unalive.

So now I want to actually witness the sufferings of others because of their ill actions. Those who knowingly & purposefully cause harm to others.

I am starting to rant. I apologize. I’m teary eyed and thinking. Maybe off topic.
“Venting is therapeutic”
I’m breathing to calm my nerves 😮‍💨

Thank you all for listening with your eyes and providing insight.

I appreciate you!!