Relationship Guilt

I can admit to staying in the relationship because it is convenient and alleviates being without a mate.

What is baffling to me is why he tolerates it. When I make comments like “maybe we are both desperate" He responds that he is not and is offended by my saying so.

How does he not know that he is wasting his good years with me? He is so loyal and committed. I am faithful to the relationship but not committed.

I don’t think I have many qualities that he should seek in a relationship. It’s like his standards are bare minimum.

He wants to enjoy his off days by doing something outside the home.
I am not interested in dining out.
I don’t want to hang out with his family or children.

I am content with staying home and home cooked meals.
I am content with having a virtual relationship with my own family.

We have different cleanliness standards. Although he tries in some ways to be mindful of mine. We are opposite and it is a constant topic of debate.

I just don’t understand why he chooses to stay with me.

Should I feel guilty about not ending the relationship? Or is it his choice of how much he is willing to settle with.

I just cannot seem to comprehend his willingness to settle for less than what he deserves and needs.

There are a couple of relationship apps that have been recommended here. One is called "lasting", and was recommended based on experience, and another is called "paired", recommended based on reading a review.

Actual face-to-face couples counseling might be an option too, but that's usually quite expensive.

As long as you're not deceiving or manipulating him, I think it's his choice.

You also may be underestimating your value in the relationship. The fact that you're even thinking about him and his interests and are willing to put that above your own happiness (aka, you'd rather have him leave than feel like he's settling for you) puts you at a level above a lot of people in relationships who are only thinking about themselves.

If you were to leave him, would it be because you'd convinced yourself, "This is for his own good. He deserves better than me."?

The message I'm getting from your post is that you don't think you're good enough for anyone to have a relationship with. You seem to rate him quite highly, which means he must have some good qualities - maybe a lot of good qualities. Do you love him?

Maybe he stays because he loves you.

I too like staying at home and eating home-cooked meals (I'm less satisfied with a virtual relationship with my family, though I make do with it for most of the year), but if I were to have a partner I'd like him to have interests and social networks of his own and not to live in my pocket. I wouldn't want him to be by my side 24/7. Maybe he likes that about you. He can go out and do his own thing and you can stay home and do your own thing. I have friends who live that way. He stays at home and works in his garage and she goes out and about visiting her friends; he doesn't have any and is happy that way.

Yes I love him but not wholeheartedly.

I am full of complaints. All the reasons why the relationship is not sustainable. I(we) hardly ever talk about our commonalities.

He deserves someone who will embrace his children as well. And I don’t.
Early in the relationship I informed him that I was not interested in having an active role in his childrens’ lives.

I guess we both thought it would change. It hasn’t.

I will cook. I will babysit. I do interact but it is limited.

It’s been on my mind now because after a recent week long vacation, not 1 time did I go out with them, although he asked daily.

I know that it must hurt his feelings but he doesn’t react spitefully. He is still loving and thoughtful towards me.

That is so confusing to say the least.
I do not take him for granted but in my heart, I know that he should pursue someone with familial interests. Someone who’s willing to help him with his children. That’s just not me.

Anyways, thank you all for the insight.
I appreciate you all.

He may deserve that. That might be an improvement. However, pretty much every relationship has some sort of trouble, and it's wrong to imagine that he would necessarily be trading up by being with someone new, that there's some perfect partner for him waiting in the wings and therefor you are the obstacle to his happiness. He could also end up with either a much worse partner, or no partner at all.

I think it's ok for you to express how you feel, that you feel like there's someone better for him. I don't think it should be an obsession though. If you are more-or-less good for him, and he is more-or-less good for you without any really serious complaints, that's pretty good. Having a garden variety set of incompatibilities is not such a big problem.

You seem to be describing aspects of my previous relationship.

My ex of a long long time would make comments like, we arent right for each other because of the age difference (they are 5 years older), and other comments similar to yours. They would bother me but in the end i suppose i accepted that this is what she was like. Maybe your partner excepts these things about you.

I had a insanely low bar for tolerating things - towards the end it was mental and they ended with me. Id happily go back into things, even if it destroyed me. For me this was a combination of reasons, 1 ive never been involved with anyone else (26 years), 2 the love is extremely deep, 3 i just cant bear the idea of never seeing them again.

So, i wouldnt break up with him, to do him a favour. Hope things work out for you.