updated

Guilty, ungrateful, overwhelmed, selfish

If, a year ago, I made a list of what I thought would make me happy, I would look at it today, those wants have been filled. And even more than I would have hoped for.

I'm not happy. I'm getting ready to move into a new situation, with a woman that I can grow old(er) with. She exceeds any of my hopes, too.
Instead, I've been throwing out my past in the form of physical possessions. Most of them remind me of loved ones passed on, and in almost all ways, I'm the last person who will find any value to them or use for them. It feels like betrayal to separate myself from them. And I realize that even if I kept more of those things, things aren't the people I'm missing, just something that reminds me of them.
Earlier, I had the thought that my long term plan had been to die in my house eventually, let the material things and memories consume me until I became one of them.

I'm whining, life is wonderful, I want to die.

And then there's the thought, that for me, the disease of depression is independent of my situation. Like having someone or something doesn't provide exemption from any other disease.

peace

Thank you for the update. i understand the conflicting thoughts and feelings. i know you are strong. And it helps that you have someone beside you. However, i also feel you would be able to do this... even if you didnt have someone beside you. i say this because i have seen your strength. And have come to admire that strength. It helps you persevere through nearly anything.