I struggle with suicidal ideation especially when I have down time and stop to look around me. That’s when I see the mess I’m in and get down.
this weekend I went all in from Friday after work through early this morning before starting work again. I recently switched to “the light phone” which is a basement functionality phone with an e-ink display and limited text and other functionality. So I put the other phones from work and high collectivity family and side business stuff in a drawer and only kept that main one on me. I live on a huge wooded lot on a lake in DFW and cleared a lot of heavy brush, I worked on bullet journal for August. I put in nearly 7 hours of banjo practice on scales and what I call “banjo Hammond” exercises, I have a second home in the old down town that’s my quiet place but it’s not finished with a down to the studs remodel and I stained the cabinets and fitted a wooden cabinet panel to the drawer dishwasher and mowed the lawn there and edged, and I watched a couple of the big Olympic track events with my older kids (they’re both college track athletes and are home for the summer), I finished two books I’ve been reading and did a workout each evening although Sunday evening I was pretty tired. I also ate well.
the net result was that I felt pretty good about myself and didn’t go to suicidal ideation because no one was able to bother me and I could just be productive.
today that same deliberate productivity carried over with having built out the week for work, clear times and dates for meetings, plans for evening activities, and workouts and reading and practice each day for music.
I’m not sure I can sustain the levels but it’s working for now.
this weekend I went all in from Friday after work through early this morning before starting work again. I recently switched to “the light phone” which is a basement functionality phone with an e-ink display and limited text and other functionality. So I put the other phones from work and high collectivity family and side business stuff in a drawer and only kept that main one on me. I live on a huge wooded lot on a lake in DFW and cleared a lot of heavy brush, I worked on bullet journal for August. I put in nearly 7 hours of banjo practice on scales and what I call “banjo Hammond” exercises, I have a second home in the old down town that’s my quiet place but it’s not finished with a down to the studs remodel and I stained the cabinets and fitted a wooden cabinet panel to the drawer dishwasher and mowed the lawn there and edged, and I watched a couple of the big Olympic track events with my older kids (they’re both college track athletes and are home for the summer), I finished two books I’ve been reading and did a workout each evening although Sunday evening I was pretty tired. I also ate well.
the net result was that I felt pretty good about myself and didn’t go to suicidal ideation because no one was able to bother me and I could just be productive.
today that same deliberate productivity carried over with having built out the week for work, clear times and dates for meetings, plans for evening activities, and workouts and reading and practice each day for music.
I’m not sure I can sustain the levels but it’s working for now.
