Well, I started here in SF 2023. My sickness started in 2022 - when I left Sudan, completely sick, suicidal, alone, dependent, PTSD, depressive.... I was a wreck. I knew from the beginning, that I would be sick for a long time and that I would never work again - especially not abroad and in these shit holes over the world (with war, civil unrest, unreliable flights etc.). I was so at the end, just crying, not able to take are of myself or any problem, spending days in bed... and did not have real medical help, did not eat, only drink alcohol etc. My marriage with my long year partner failed - as made in Sudan and was thus simply not valid. The only thing that kept me alive was the knowledge - that if I die, 3 people will most probably follow me - they simply depend on me.
Now two years with hard work have followed. I will not say, that I am "healed". But I have more control. I know that I will fall from time to time - but then stop immediately. I learned to fight and normally have the strength to do it (not always, ok?) I must be and remain realistic. Example walking EVERY day 20 or 25 KM would be nice, but in the end it's 3 or 4 times a week. Realistic against planning. But going to the gym every day (45 minutes) has become a rule, so is having a clean apartment, good self care and enough sport (most of the time Nordic walking or paragliding), So, I found back to a more or less normal life. I know, that I will fall from time to time (this will always happen and I am always prepared - especially when going abroad). But generally I feel better and a lot stronger - thanks as well to SF.
We fought so hard and finally her daughter left to France to study (mid-wife) in September thus followed her brother (doctor, specialized) who is there since 3 years. The whole family is from Chad (where I worked from 2008 - 2013). My fucked up marriage made in Sudan will now be repeated in Senegal - and is recognized by EU member states. So, she will be in Spain by March or April (depends on the embassy).
The 30 years working abroad did cost me a lot. There are no friends left (I just have only 2 - and this is for a lifetime). Being alone is fortunately not a big problem for me. I do a lot of stuff - music, writing. I really got used to it - and the little contact I need - I have this here now. Of course WhatsApp with my wife every day. So, in the end - I am more or less now on a good way. But falling down again like in 2022 I would NO LONGER survive. Therapy - I had all kinds of therapies during my life - nothing helped (I am "resistant" now). So I have to do it myself - and it was and will always be difficult and sometimes I fall (like we all do).
So big thank you all who participated and gave me courage, tips, good vibes, good feelings and sometimes a "be careful" or "stand up again". I know that my life will continue to be a roller coaster - but I learned a little better, how to manage it. The community here is great. Reason for sickness: Stress, excessive stress. Now I realize that I cannot handle any stress any longer (not even a little). I panic... so even a little bit is dangerous for me. I just want peace - live in my apartment, pay my bills, do what I want and stay more or less fit. I hope my wife will finally be here in March or April with permanent visa. Stress - but still manageable. Its only paperwork and one trip to Logroño and DHL. Done - and I have onlly to wait. Nice to see, that for once my wife has to do her stuff (sorry - egoistic).
So, here my song for 2025. Maybe you like it and it gives you some good vibes.
Now two years with hard work have followed. I will not say, that I am "healed". But I have more control. I know that I will fall from time to time - but then stop immediately. I learned to fight and normally have the strength to do it (not always, ok?) I must be and remain realistic. Example walking EVERY day 20 or 25 KM would be nice, but in the end it's 3 or 4 times a week. Realistic against planning. But going to the gym every day (45 minutes) has become a rule, so is having a clean apartment, good self care and enough sport (most of the time Nordic walking or paragliding), So, I found back to a more or less normal life. I know, that I will fall from time to time (this will always happen and I am always prepared - especially when going abroad). But generally I feel better and a lot stronger - thanks as well to SF.
We fought so hard and finally her daughter left to France to study (mid-wife) in September thus followed her brother (doctor, specialized) who is there since 3 years. The whole family is from Chad (where I worked from 2008 - 2013). My fucked up marriage made in Sudan will now be repeated in Senegal - and is recognized by EU member states. So, she will be in Spain by March or April (depends on the embassy).
The 30 years working abroad did cost me a lot. There are no friends left (I just have only 2 - and this is for a lifetime). Being alone is fortunately not a big problem for me. I do a lot of stuff - music, writing. I really got used to it - and the little contact I need - I have this here now. Of course WhatsApp with my wife every day. So, in the end - I am more or less now on a good way. But falling down again like in 2022 I would NO LONGER survive. Therapy - I had all kinds of therapies during my life - nothing helped (I am "resistant" now). So I have to do it myself - and it was and will always be difficult and sometimes I fall (like we all do).
So big thank you all who participated and gave me courage, tips, good vibes, good feelings and sometimes a "be careful" or "stand up again". I know that my life will continue to be a roller coaster - but I learned a little better, how to manage it. The community here is great. Reason for sickness: Stress, excessive stress. Now I realize that I cannot handle any stress any longer (not even a little). I panic... so even a little bit is dangerous for me. I just want peace - live in my apartment, pay my bills, do what I want and stay more or less fit. I hope my wife will finally be here in March or April with permanent visa. Stress - but still manageable. Its only paperwork and one trip to Logroño and DHL. Done - and I have onlly to wait. Nice to see, that for once my wife has to do her stuff (sorry - egoistic).
So, here my song for 2025. Maybe you like it and it gives you some good vibes.
