So, end of last year I was a real mess - laying down, not able to walk, to do the minimum, depressive, suicidal, feeling old, smoking, drinking heavy... you name it. X mas I made my changes. I am a very religious persons (although I doubt, that God needs someone like me... - except as bad example). What is easy for others is always difficult for me. However, I put my shit together:
I stopped to smoke from one day to another
I stopped to drink from one day to another (had 2 small fall backs during the last three months)
I started sport (every day gym and if weather allows, long walks - 2 or 3 hours with break)
I stopped to worry all the time (although I realized that from a certain age on all repeats again and again - and you can just have enough of all of it very easily - and I mean it!)
I stopped to eat - now I am something above 100 days I live only from juice, tea, water with lemon, milk with lots of cinnamon and a small spoon of proteins. I have to tell I am not hungry. I have no intent to eat. Sometimes I have the feeling that I could continue to do this forever... lets see. No worries - I know what I do.
I reduced my Valium consumption by half and it will take me 6 more weeks to be out of it.
My body changed very positively - I guess due to sport.
I still had the power to stand up twice (when I fell) - but I realize it is getting to the limit.
This is the good side.
The bad side is:
I can fall very quickly into the darkest mode and be suicidal - if I do something "wrong" or I consider "wrong" and I cannot stand stress any longer: And I mean stress, that impacts your life. Its not the stress "shit I am late for the bus" or "why does she not call" but real existential stress, which will have an impact on the next years of my life that still remains. Getting a visa for family members is a surrealistic nightmare and extremely expensive, so facing the possibility of not seeing them again is awful. Another thing I realized now after retirement is "there is nothing new under the sun" - and this is true. I had it all, have done it all, have been all over the world, was shot on, was in jail, had success, had money.... Now I cool down and everything I new from my younger years is gone. Africa used to be such a nice continent (the nature still is), but its getting extremely difficult to find the "real" Africa I knew from before. Its only way out in the back country and very small villages. Once you have experienced all (including disappointments, lies, mean persons, materialistic family, egoistic persons who take just advantage of you etc.) there is not much left. I like being alone - but there is a limit to it. So, I understand the statistics - men over 60 have the highest suicide rate of all. The "substitution" I followed for so many, many years now will stay - there is no way I can stop that. Which limits my vacations to always 2 or max. 3 months (otherwise you get trouble with customs).
I finalized the book of my life. I have now 185 pages - and most of the important things are in it: It was a great exercise and helped me a lot to understand, to correct, to find a way.
So balance today: I can be sunny tomorrow and I can be happy, its as well possible that I fall back into complete depression and have suicidal ideas. I just hope it does not change the way of life I have now followed for months.
I wish you a nice Sunday with this one - extraordinary, really: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/h2cVrg_XV0I
I stopped to smoke from one day to another
I stopped to drink from one day to another (had 2 small fall backs during the last three months)
I started sport (every day gym and if weather allows, long walks - 2 or 3 hours with break)
I stopped to worry all the time (although I realized that from a certain age on all repeats again and again - and you can just have enough of all of it very easily - and I mean it!)
I stopped to eat - now I am something above 100 days I live only from juice, tea, water with lemon, milk with lots of cinnamon and a small spoon of proteins. I have to tell I am not hungry. I have no intent to eat. Sometimes I have the feeling that I could continue to do this forever... lets see. No worries - I know what I do.
I reduced my Valium consumption by half and it will take me 6 more weeks to be out of it.
My body changed very positively - I guess due to sport.
I still had the power to stand up twice (when I fell) - but I realize it is getting to the limit.
This is the good side.
The bad side is:
I can fall very quickly into the darkest mode and be suicidal - if I do something "wrong" or I consider "wrong" and I cannot stand stress any longer: And I mean stress, that impacts your life. Its not the stress "shit I am late for the bus" or "why does she not call" but real existential stress, which will have an impact on the next years of my life that still remains. Getting a visa for family members is a surrealistic nightmare and extremely expensive, so facing the possibility of not seeing them again is awful. Another thing I realized now after retirement is "there is nothing new under the sun" - and this is true. I had it all, have done it all, have been all over the world, was shot on, was in jail, had success, had money.... Now I cool down and everything I new from my younger years is gone. Africa used to be such a nice continent (the nature still is), but its getting extremely difficult to find the "real" Africa I knew from before. Its only way out in the back country and very small villages. Once you have experienced all (including disappointments, lies, mean persons, materialistic family, egoistic persons who take just advantage of you etc.) there is not much left. I like being alone - but there is a limit to it. So, I understand the statistics - men over 60 have the highest suicide rate of all. The "substitution" I followed for so many, many years now will stay - there is no way I can stop that. Which limits my vacations to always 2 or max. 3 months (otherwise you get trouble with customs).
I finalized the book of my life. I have now 185 pages - and most of the important things are in it: It was a great exercise and helped me a lot to understand, to correct, to find a way.
So balance today: I can be sunny tomorrow and I can be happy, its as well possible that I fall back into complete depression and have suicidal ideas. I just hope it does not change the way of life I have now followed for months.
I wish you a nice Sunday with this one - extraordinary, really: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/h2cVrg_XV0I
