Ideas & Opinions am i wrong?

`when i was younger i went through a really bad stage of loneliness, no that i was on my own, i just had nobody...

I had family, some friends, not many...

but it wasn't like everyone else, everyone has a friend they can go to when they are bored or even sad

everyone has family they can fall back on when they think they have nobody

I didn't, and because of this I was a terrible person, as i grew older i started to realize i was always a bully to 1 person in my life... an old friend, my brother, my parents, even my girlfriend

One time in my life, when i was getting better, I got a hair cut, started working out.. I was looking good, and mentally, I was the strongest I have ever been ;/

I was even going to school again, despite all the days i missed, I was still ahead of my class, with the teachers telling me they were working on putting me in a smarter class and everything

Eventually I found a girlfriend

I remember when I first met her, i was so happy i found somebody, finally found somebody I could hang out with, talk to, call up when I'm bored and just be with

I had friends, money, a girlfriend, school was going great, I was even growing my hair out that year so I could get a plat

Everything in my life was finally piecing together, everything i ever wanted

Not long after my dad went to the hospital...and well he never came back

It was a setback.

I needed time to grieve, to heal and come back.

after he died, I was playing on the Xbox alot again, just giving my self a distraction

It was working and i was getting better, just slowly...

My girlfriend used to poke me for hours and mimic what i do or say, I knew it was for attention, I thought it was cute at first but it wouldn't stop and just became too much

Eventually it would turn into a fight, we'd say shit to each other that people shouldn't say to each other

She started searching through my history, my socials and even restricted some shows i have been watching for years,

she wasn't just just CONVINCED I'm cheating but it was almost like she NEEDED to find something

she would end up turning the smallest things or something i didn't even acknowledge into the biggest fights

I mean... sometimes it wasn't a fight and she'd cry over it and I tried to be there for her

...but she would hit me when i touched her, was rude to me when i sat there with her, just took all her shit out on me.

it happened so much....

Eventually i snapped, all the rudeness, all the times her hits actually hurt.....

I remember one time she ran into the bathroom, she was crying and she sat down at the door

I tried to ease the door open because i wanted to make her feel better

but she slammed the door on my fingers....

after 2 seconds of shock, pain and possibly the loudest noise that has ever came from my throat she opened up the door and I just punched her in the face

I didn't feel bad, she sobbed and it sort of just... soothed me

After all... after all the times she has hit me, and hurt me it wasn't so bad right??

I mean you can't hit your boyfriend multiple times in the same spot hurting them multiple fucking times, then when they have a normal human reaction to pain, you never let them hear the end of it, right?

I know it was wrong... but... theres no excuse

after this, everything began to sour, when she cried to me I started to care less, how can somebody sit there while someone cried??

Anyways about a year passes of the same thing, me trying to help her, make her feel better, get fed up with being spoken to like a dog, or just being hit

On the rare occasion she would hit me and i'd hit back, but it was always a reaction, never an intent to hurt her

I started getting annoyed when she would get sad, I cared less, how does somebody not care when someone cries?? thats how often it happened

my friends would see me less because me and her would always fight, i never got any sleep because of her and stopped going to school

time passes and all the time I spent trying to water her garden, mine went barren.

We are still together... sort of

we still fight every day.

we break up every day.

i spent 1 year listening to her problems, wanting and trying to help, trying to understand and another year of getting fed up and annoyed with her when she'd get sad

I always thought if she was in my shoes and had to look after me she'd last longer then i did, at least take longer for her to loose her sanity

Recently everything has been building up, all these new problems, i cant talk to Vher about, One half of me thinks she NEEDS to listen to me, and care for me, when the other half understands why she doesn't and wont

She's been flirting with other guys recently, I think she's testing if she can get men other then men

I thought it was just jealousy at first, but some people have pointed it out to me like "what tf is you girl doing" and people have told me to be careful with her bcs "shes a flirt"

Everything is beginning to add up...

The other day I completely broke down, first time in years i even cried.

We spent a day at the mall, she was trying to make me feel better but I was being difficult and a bit rude

she went on this computer or printer where u can connect ur phone and print pictures, I tried to help since i'm really good with technology but this thing was confusing and I couldn't work out how to find something, I felt like I wasted time and was pretty embarassed, on top of that, that day I was really sensitive for some reason and couldn't handle people being mean to me, my girlfriend sort of got mad I couldn't fix it and said something I don't remember, it wasn't that bad but it almost set me off so i walked away to where nobody saw me and stood their for a bit, a couple minutes pass and im walking back to her.... I see her and she gets angry at me cus she thought i got mad and walked away from her, she was being pretty mean so I just walked out of the store and was going to the bathroom to cry

She chased after me, angry. She told me to be more considerate and my bad day was rubbing off on her.....

I just turn around and look at her thinking what the fuck did you just say to me??

I didn't spend 2 years TRYING to make you feel better

I didn't sacrifice everything I had to have nothing now

I know im not at school, I got no money atm and I'm a sad **** right now, you do but fuck me

it reminded me of something someone told me once "you want to see somebody's true self then put them in a place of power, turn the tables"

1 year I spent trying to help you, and for another year i was a ****

But one day? thats all I get? wow...

these days I find my self alone, again...

I do nothing productive, I have nothing, nobody

I'm stuck.

I've been trying to rekindle my education, go back to school and go to uni and do what i want to do

but im stuck

I feel played, I feel like I spent so long trying to look after you, sacrificed so much for u for you to only put up with me for one day

I've put alot of thought and time into it and I've come to a conclusion

If I can only handle one day of expressing my emotions and pain then being told im rubbing off on them, my sadness is annoying them, bringing them down.

What does years feel like?

What did she feel like?

Maybe i'll never know, but i have a sample

I spent so long thinking im the bad guy, to think im the good guy and back to thinking im the bad guy again... i've lost track of why everything started in the first place, all the fights are based on something sure but its one after the other "i did this cus u did that" I don't even remember the very first thing that was done or said to start this massive vindictive rollercoaster

I'm sorry this is so long, I saw all the posts here from people and all the support people give, its beautiful and it literally made me tear up so I wanted to share

I'm not exactly suicidal, I just think people' lives would be better without me in it

I think neither of you really had the tools to make that relationship work and it spiralled into a kind of toxic codependence.
You are only young though, so take it as an opportunity to learn and you’ll have better relationships in the future.
It sounds like neither of you really expressed your emotions to each other and just acted out and expected the other one to know what that meant. It’s really hard to talk properly as it leaves you vulnerable but if you want a relationship to work it will really help. Think how much easier it would have been if she had just told you she wanted some attention or if she was jealous or sad.
When you start out in a relationship people present their best self to the other person trying to get them to like them. That is really hard work and can’t be sustained, if you keep trying then that’s when the other behaviour comes out and you end up where you two found yourselves.
I’m sure if you look back now you will see lots of times when you were feeling something and instead of just telling her you acted out and similarly you can probably see that a lot of her acting out was her not being able to tell you how she was feeling.
People learn from what they experience around them as they grow up, you haven’t had a great childhood and you’ve been exposed to a lot of negative interactions. It’s really hard for that to not seep into you, if you are not very careful you will act to others as they did to you when you were growing up. You have already realised this and analysed your behaviour and changed it for the better. I think if you apply the same analysis to your relationships going forward you will find a happy and successful one.
I really hope you can pick yourself up from this and put your life back together, it sounds like you still have a lot of possibilities if you can find the will to do it.

You couldn't be closer to the truth

You not only just gave me the closure I needed, but this is exactly what I needed to hear.

Thank you so much.

Hi, welcome to SF. I'm sorry things seem so dark right now but please remember that people's lives wouldn't be better without you.

I can't agree with @SamB more. They've got it spot on.

Sorry that you're going through this.
You don't have to be suicidal to post here. It's really for talking about a range of difficult personal issues, including but not limited to suicide.

I'm sorry that this happened. You're welcome to say more about it if you'd like.

It sounds like you're in a typical domestic violence relationship. I don't know if it's possible, or even worth the effort to try to repair the relationship, but it definitely sounds like it's bad for you, especially because it's kept you from finishing school and isolated you from your friends.

Another danger here is that if she slams your fingers in the door, hits you too much or too hard, or does something else to set you off, the day may come when you lose it and just beat the crap out of her. And God forbid you ever go so far that you kill her. Either way, you could easily end up with at least a felony conviction, and doing some hard time. You may feel like you've got the self-control not to do that, but if it's gone far enough that you've punched her, it could definitely go that far.

Imho, the thing that you're to blame for is not so much hitting someone who has initiated violence with you, but rather sticking with a relationship that you know is that fucked up.

Unless this is something that can get fixed quick, and chances are it can't, the best thing to do is walk away.

Hi there. I just wanted to add that I really think a professional therapist or counsellor is needed here - especially if you are still in that relationship. Regardless even dealing with the aftermath of all that toxicity is going to need some processing.

You seem to have a lot of insight and that is great - that will really help you to be open to therapy. I'm 53 and I've noticed that these days therapists are better equipped than they used to be - I had lots of therapy when I was in my 20s but I also had some recent therapy (a few times in the past few years dealing with specific issues) and was shocked by how incisive and useful it was in just 1-6 sessions. There are a lot of really excellent tools (from CBT and ACT therapy, for instance - if you're not sure what they are just google).

Also you might try watching the YouTube channel Therapy in a Nutshell -- she is a licensed therapist and has done videos on a number of topics. It will give you a taste of the insights you can get in therapy.

Many years ago I ended a toxic 3-year relationship (and we were living together). Back then I had to visit a self-help bookstore for tips on healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Luckily for you that's all online now so all you have to do is check that out to see what a good relationship should look like.

Best wishes to you. I have a feeling you're going to do really well in therapy. It doesn't solve every problem but gives some good ways to find meaning in your life and deal with human relationships.

@WhiteSolitude

Sad that things have gone the way they have, but glad you found the forum and are reaching out here. I am glad that you are not suicidal and I hope you never get to that point and hopefully you will keep posting here because you are going to find comfort and advice which I hope can be helpful.