okay so, idk how 2 start this but uhh basically im like, very socially awkward.
i had tons of friends n shit but js in like, school. like in that enviroment only, or at least that's how it was. what im trying 2 say is that even though i had friends, i only interacted with them in school. when i was not there i js stayed at home, doing nothing.
so, since about 2 months, i started going out. like, leaving my home for the first times n js having fun with my friends outside of school.
this was, of course, new to me.
but my friends r nice to me so they helped me to adapt myself.
thing is that, they led me (or i led myself idk) to bad shits.
this doesnt have much 2 do but i struggled with sh for quite some time before all this uhh going out shit.
i was in a bad state: mentally n physically. but i moved on.
hate to see the marks tho but wtv.
so, as i was saying, going out with them ended with me trying bad shit (drugs/smoking/alcohol).
idk why tf. guess i was trying to fit in ???
shit is that uhh i developed a dependency on them.
passed out many times do to alcohol abuse too.
i once got home drunk (my friends carried me) n my mom was furious, calling me a failure n shit like that.
worse shit is that i cant stop smoking.
i cant smoke now since i spent all my saved money already so ion got more but there hasnt been a day, before today, that i didnt smoke.
and not some passive shit, no.
a lot.
n today i woke up with a sore throat and a huge pain so i started overthinking like "maybe i fucked up my throat" n stuff like that.
also, thanks to some of my friends connections ive dealt with uhh dangerous people ig?
drug dealers.
my shit with drugs isnt that heavy cuz its not easy to get stuff, but weed n lean r my addiction ??
idk if its fair to call it that but every time ive had the chance, i consumed them.
with my friends ofc. all.
n finally, girls.
my friends r pretty agressive n shit so when i started going out they pressured me into talking with girls n it made me uncomfy af cuz i was not used to it, n they js forced me to do it.
also, they all know ab my cuts n shit n they always tell me to show them when there's girls around (to this day). I js do it cuz idk ion want to anger them or smth.
n basically, there was this girl (first i met).
my friends always took pics of me in school n sent them 2 this girl (idk why), n they told me she thought i was attractive n shit (idk ab that since im pretty insecure ab my looks but thats smth else).
so when i met her she gave me clues n shit (which i didnt get at the time) n idk i was so awkward skfnkedk. my friends also forced me into making an ig account (i did) so she started talking 2 me. she wasnt bad like, i didnt feel forced 2 talk w her after knowing her more personally.
but she had other intentions with me n it made me feel like i was js a toy/prize or some shit that she wanted, so i did my best to distance myself from her.
n that was my first interaction w a girl.
after that i slowly grew some confidence n made a good girl friend along the way (she was js using me. found out like a week ago).
so uhh, more in the present, i met this girl i rlly like, but i feel like she's js using me, n i cant control it like, i js do wtv she wants cuz ion want to sadden her. n like, ive been told by some friends that she's not good n shit but she acts in a whole diff way with me n idk it stresses me to think that maybe im js being used.
i overthink things a lot n uhh yeah, since i left the walls of my house i started an addiction with substances i shouldnt consume and overall i feel like im tied to wtv my friends say.
i js do wtv they want, go wherever they want while it fucks my already not good mental state.
idk if im js rumbling but i rlly dont know what to do.
the issues with my sh started cuz i got tired of the treatment i recieved from my parents (thats another story) n i js craved to feel something, n i think the same thing is happening with my abuse of alcohol n cigs.
n it all started cuz of my friends (i think ??)
im not trying to blame them cuz im responsible of my own actions, n i rlly love each of them but if i continue like this i fear that it will end up destroying me, in every sense.
and worse is that i dont want to stop.
idk.
i had tons of friends n shit but js in like, school. like in that enviroment only, or at least that's how it was. what im trying 2 say is that even though i had friends, i only interacted with them in school. when i was not there i js stayed at home, doing nothing.
so, since about 2 months, i started going out. like, leaving my home for the first times n js having fun with my friends outside of school.
this was, of course, new to me.
but my friends r nice to me so they helped me to adapt myself.
thing is that, they led me (or i led myself idk) to bad shits.
this doesnt have much 2 do but i struggled with sh for quite some time before all this uhh going out shit.
i was in a bad state: mentally n physically. but i moved on.
hate to see the marks tho but wtv.
so, as i was saying, going out with them ended with me trying bad shit (drugs/smoking/alcohol).
idk why tf. guess i was trying to fit in ???
shit is that uhh i developed a dependency on them.
passed out many times do to alcohol abuse too.
i once got home drunk (my friends carried me) n my mom was furious, calling me a failure n shit like that.
worse shit is that i cant stop smoking.
i cant smoke now since i spent all my saved money already so ion got more but there hasnt been a day, before today, that i didnt smoke.
and not some passive shit, no.
a lot.
n today i woke up with a sore throat and a huge pain so i started overthinking like "maybe i fucked up my throat" n stuff like that.
also, thanks to some of my friends connections ive dealt with uhh dangerous people ig?
drug dealers.
my shit with drugs isnt that heavy cuz its not easy to get stuff, but weed n lean r my addiction ??
idk if its fair to call it that but every time ive had the chance, i consumed them.
with my friends ofc. all.
n finally, girls.
my friends r pretty agressive n shit so when i started going out they pressured me into talking with girls n it made me uncomfy af cuz i was not used to it, n they js forced me to do it.
also, they all know ab my cuts n shit n they always tell me to show them when there's girls around (to this day). I js do it cuz idk ion want to anger them or smth.
n basically, there was this girl (first i met).
my friends always took pics of me in school n sent them 2 this girl (idk why), n they told me she thought i was attractive n shit (idk ab that since im pretty insecure ab my looks but thats smth else).
so when i met her she gave me clues n shit (which i didnt get at the time) n idk i was so awkward skfnkedk. my friends also forced me into making an ig account (i did) so she started talking 2 me. she wasnt bad like, i didnt feel forced 2 talk w her after knowing her more personally.
but she had other intentions with me n it made me feel like i was js a toy/prize or some shit that she wanted, so i did my best to distance myself from her.
n that was my first interaction w a girl.
after that i slowly grew some confidence n made a good girl friend along the way (she was js using me. found out like a week ago).
so uhh, more in the present, i met this girl i rlly like, but i feel like she's js using me, n i cant control it like, i js do wtv she wants cuz ion want to sadden her. n like, ive been told by some friends that she's not good n shit but she acts in a whole diff way with me n idk it stresses me to think that maybe im js being used.
i overthink things a lot n uhh yeah, since i left the walls of my house i started an addiction with substances i shouldnt consume and overall i feel like im tied to wtv my friends say.
i js do wtv they want, go wherever they want while it fucks my already not good mental state.
idk if im js rumbling but i rlly dont know what to do.
the issues with my sh started cuz i got tired of the treatment i recieved from my parents (thats another story) n i js craved to feel something, n i think the same thing is happening with my abuse of alcohol n cigs.
n it all started cuz of my friends (i think ??)
im not trying to blame them cuz im responsible of my own actions, n i rlly love each of them but if i continue like this i fear that it will end up destroying me, in every sense.
and worse is that i dont want to stop.
idk.
