Practical Advice debating whether or not to take myself back to the hospital

tl;dr: i'm chronically suicidal and struggling to see a way out, but too afraid to be honest with anyone i'm close with because i don't want to burden them with the stress of having to keep me safe.

i have a plan and access to pretty much everything i need to carry it out. in all honesty the only things stopping me are guilt and an overwhelming sense of emptiness. i barely feel alive as it is. i spend every day in a dissociated state, trying to occupy myself with whatever i can because if i stop to think for a minute i start spiralling. i started writing goodbye notes last week and it's getting bad again tonight. i live at home with my mum, and she knows that i'm struggling, but she doesn't know just how bad things are for me right now. part of me feels guilty for not telling her what's going on and the other part would feel even worse if i did tell her. but there's no easy way to tell your own mother that you want to kill yourself & you don't feel safe alone in your own house anymore. there's no easy way to ask her to take me to a hospital again after the only thing that's come out of my other visits was a 6 hour wait in the emergency department only to be discharged because i'm "not an active danger to myself", but i would rather that than her be the one to find my body after she comes home at the end of the day. i have a partner who i love dearly, he knows that i'm struggling, but there's no way in hell i could ever tell him what's going on without the guilt of it all eating me up inside. this probably sounds stupid and overdramatic but it genuinely feels like i'm in a life or death situation, and i need to make a fucking choice. if i don't admit myself voluntarily there's a good chance i'd end up an involuntary patient and i can't put myself through that. all i know is that i don't have any will to live left in me. i can't keep doing this anymore. i really can't. but i don't want to leave my loved ones behind. and that's all i'm holding on to

i don't know what to do anymore. i'm in the middle of a crisis and it feels like nobody knows. the only person i'm bluntly honest with is my therapist, i see her once a week and i've always tried to be upfront with her about how i feel because i know i'd be dead if i kept it all to myself. last week she mentioned that i should be considering going to the hospital again and i know she's right but it scares me. i turned 18 in march, all of my other psych ward admissions have been in a children's ward, and i guess the thought of being the youngest person in an adult ward makes it more daunting. that and the knowledge that psych wards themselves can be pretty awful places and i have no experience in my city's adult ward to go off of. i don't even know if they would take me. i have bpd, my emotional highs and lows are more like emotional lows paired with a "baseline" dissociative/empty state, but i go back and fourth pretty frequently. basically i'm either actively suicidal or i feel nothing. i'm just so tired. every day this week i've thought about calling my state's mental health triage number, or a fucking suicide hotline, or taking myself to the hospital, just to talk to someone and tell them that i can't do this anymore, but i keep holding back because i don't want to make anyone i care about worry for me. i don't know if i can do that anymore. it's been so long since i let myself cry in front of someone, since i was genuinely honest about how i felt, and it's killing me (ironic, i know).

i know the answer seems pretty obvious but i need to hear it from someone. is going back to the hospital worth it? how the hell do i even begin to be honest about how bad things are for me right now?

There's a good chance there'd be at least some other people there about your age. Having older people there wouldn't necessarily change much.

My impression is that places that have high levels of violence and poverty tend to also have poorer quality mental health services, if people have access to the facilities without private health insurance. You might be able to see if an online search turns anything up. Your therapist may also have some advice.

It would be a lot worse for anyone that cares about you to find out that you committed suicide, or that you attempted. I think you could send your mom and your bf an email that says you need to go to the hospital, but don't worry because you'll be ok.

If you're close to an attempt, yes, going back to the hospital sounds like a good idea. What hospitals can do is keep you safe, and that sounds like what you need right now.

So it sounds like the first thing to do is to get rid of your methods, or at least try to make them harder to access. The next thing is to contact your therapist and talk to her about your concerns about your city's adult psych ward, and also about making a plan to make sure that you get admitted.

I hope things can get better soon

How are things going @fangface ?

I agree with May. Eh when I took myself to hospital it wasn't really a hospitial it was a house with staff where a person could stay a night or 2 and be watched over. It was really good. My therapist told me about it & she made the call that let me in the door. (Doors are always locked so everyone is safe).
Good feelings to you.
- s