Practical Advice surrounded by guilt no matter what i do. i guess this is a cry for help

i have not been in a good place whatsoever for the last 6-7months and i don't think anybody in my life knows just how bad things are. i see my therapist weekly and i guess she's the only person who knows that i've been actively suicidal and on the brink of another attempt for months now. i wish it was easy to turn off this mask. it's like an automatic response, whenever i'm around people i dissociate from whatever's happening in my head and i just feel nothing. it's like all i really feel is either emptiness or an overwhelming urge to die. i've never been good at reaching out or asking for help but it's especially difficult this time around. i don't want to burden those close to me more than i already have, and it's not like they're equipped to keep a chronically suicidal person safe. i'm too afraid to just outright ask my mum to take me back to the hospital (i'm 18, i still live with her & i can't drive on my own yet) because she doesn't need to worry about me on top of everything else she has going on. i don't want to go through the trauma of having an ambulance called on me by another hotline and the hospitals in my state are already under a lot of stress. (the australian healthcare system is pretty fucked at the moment, unfortunately)

i feel so guilty for keeping it all myself but i'd feel just as bad if i told anyone. i need help but i'm too scared to ask for it. hell, i don't even know what help i would be asking for. i don't know what to do. i already have a plan, i've started writing notes again. my will to live is practically nonexistent. i've tried writing it all down in a journal or a long-winded paragraph in my notes app or something and none of it makes sense. there's too much going on in my head and it's going to kill me soon. there's no easy way to tell anyone that but god i wish there was.

i'm so tired.

Is therapy the only kind of treatment that you're getting now? Has there been any discussion about other forms of treatment?

If the issue is just getting to the hospital on your own, what about using a ride sharing service or a cab?

at the moment i just see her & attend a DBT group weekly as well, since my therapist focuses on DBT she thought it would be beneficial for me. it's been alright so far, i can't say it's been too helpful because i haven't been in the best place mentally and it's hard to spend time really focusing on getting better but i digress.

she hasn't mentioned any other forms of treatment and i haven't asked about them mostly because i wouldn't know what to ask. i've been on multiple antidepressants in the past that have done very little for me if not made me feel worse, so right now all i'm taking are my adhd meds, and she thinks that's the best thing for me right now.

the issue isn't really getting to the hospital, it's everything leading up to it. i can catch public transport there at the very least but i know my mum would prefer to take me herself. it's just the fact that i'd have to ask her to take me. it feels like i'm making myself her problem, i'm just causing her extra stress and inconveniencing her. even if i work up the words to tell her that i'm in a crisis right now all it would mean is having to sit in the emergency room for god knows how long until a doctor assesses me and decides i'm safe enough to go home on the basis that i didn't actually go through with an attempt that day.

i wish i could find the words to tell people how much i'm struggling. i'm always terrified of doing nothing but burdening them or overwhelming them when i open up even a little (thanks, trauma.) but maybe i'm kidding myself. there's not exactly a way to tell someone you're on the verge of suicide without causing them stress.

i appreciate the concern, though, it's nice to know i'm cared for

I understand how you feel. It feels like a lose lose situation, you tell your loved ones, and they will feel sad about it and worry excessively, you don't tell them and you will feel also feel bad and won't have the support you need, either way you feel guilt so its really tough im sorry.

I really hope whatever you try, whether it be therapy, medication works. Please keep reaching out to us and keep us updated on your progress and how you are going.

Hope things improve

In principle, you could ask about other forms of treatment, but if you've already tried antidepressants, there probably isn't anything else that would be prescribed.

I recommend trying traditional Chinese medicine, or some of the self-treatment methods in the links below.

Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous

A suicide attempt would be a far greater stress on your mother.

Going to the hospital on your own might be a good idea, just because then you wouldn't have to worry your mother or make her wait while you're being evaluated. If you didn't get admitted, you could just go home. If you did, then you could send her a message saying you've been admitted. She might prefer to take you there, but going on your own seems like the only way around the issues that you've raised.

Your therapist might be able to help you make a plan to ensure that if you do go to the hospital, you'll be admitted. Going with some formal recommendation from your therapist might help improve the odds.

If you could look at this without the guilt, how could it go, best scenario for you & your mom? Your mom may be able to understand and help if you speak to her about the trauma - have you asked your therapist about it? I'm wondering if you had it out in the open with your mom would things ease up for you. We're here to talk about it & perhaps that'd help?
hug
- s