Practical Advice I have a plan

The date is close.

I could ask for help but i really dont want to be alive anymore.

2 issues:

1) I dont wanna hurt family and betray my T.

2) Im afraid of physical pain. (havent come up with a better plan, have tried it before but now it will work)

what do i do?

Hello, I'm going to be honest with you. I also have a problem with the issue N°1, the most likely thing is that your family is not going to take it well if you do it. I don't know what to do about it, other than stay alive for them, at least for now. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but I don't know about other alternatives.

@dying_inside — Yes, you can ask for help for how to manage what you’re feeling and how to make life worthwhile for you.

Our feelings are not “reality” — we can feel sad, bad, and useless, or that life isn’t worth it, or that we don’t want to be here anymore…but that doesn’t mean that those things are 100% or even any % true.

You have asked what to do…you have noted that you don’t want to hurt your family or betray your T. You are afraid that an attempt will hurt. It sure sounds to me like you are already hurting…please don’t add to that with an attempt or any kind of self harm. It also sounds like you are hurting so much you want the pain to stop, but your concern for family and T. and about pain, suggest to me that you want to live, you just don’t want to be in whatever dark, depressed hole you’ve found yourself in. Depression can be treated. Please ask for the help.

Please, right now, tell someone you feel so bad you aren’t sure you want to be alive anymore. Call a distress line. Tell a friend, sibling, parent. Go to the ER and talk to someone there. When a person feels so bad, they need more help than an online site can offer. This is a kind of crisis for you, and you need some help coping. Some IRL, in person, live help with this. Please ask for that help in real life.

I want you to be in the world tomorrow and the next day and the day after that…making a good life that you feel is worth living. Please take the step to ask for that help. I hope that you will stay safe and talk to someone.

Thank you Acy. I know what you say is true. Feelings are not reality but i gave it a very serious and deep consideration for months and i TRULY dont want to live my life.

The problem is that, whatever is wrong (just about everything), it cant be fixed in any way.

not by talking/therapy, not by meds, not by hospitalizations, no way.

there is no way out other than suicide.

this is NOT depression talking, this is the truth of my life.

if i do talk about it, i'll be hospitalized for a few weeks, given meds that make me numb and allow me to believe i can go on like that, but that is not life and that is not what i want. that is CHEATING. the real truth is that i could go on and live for the sake of my parents or my T but not MINE.

so yes, it is SELFISH, but i really truly madly hate myself and my life and there is no way it could improve, actually it will only get worse.

i dont want more pain, i dont want more losses, i dont want more suffering.

i am scared by the pain of few hours before i die, but i still think its better than a lifetime of suffering.

i am sorry for making family suffer, for betraying my T, but at least, once i'll have done that, it will all be over and theres nothing more than that, that i want now.

im here just to one more last time evaluate alternatives, options, but the more i think about them the more i am convinced nothing will be solved, nothing will go better and i'll just regret not having done it.

have i not considered anything else? are there more options?

Even if it is not “depression” it is psychological illness talking. A healthy individual has a very strong will to live and hangs on even in the face of dreadful fears and consequences. An unhealthy individual has lost that will to live. It’s there, somewhere, but they need a nudge to access it and fulfill it.

So, your brain and its current wiring are unwell. Are you going to let an illness that is treatable take you down?

What things in your life are “unfixable”? What is something that would make your life worthwhile if you could have it? Lets look at those options.

As for the first issue, I have the same one & for now have accepted more or less that I am alive in a chronic state of unease, sadness, resignation, & yet taking care of the self for my family's sake. It's weird & I don't know if it's sustainable. Since human lives aren't all that long anyway, I may be able to continue along these lines for a certain amount of time.

When you found s f, you found what is in my opinion the best support and people to help. I hope you stay around & find hope & community here. Hugs too.

Acy, maybe you're right and i have some sort of illness, but it is not treatable. i have tried hospitalizations, meds, therapy, 6 months in a psych clinic. nothing works. i feel helpless and hopeless. i've fought with these thoughts for 15 years and it has done nothing but going worse. im at the end of my rope. do not even have real feelings left. i have detached myself from parents and brother, now its my T's turn and then im all alone, isolated and FREE

@dying_inside, your answer tells me that you have attended all kinds of therapies. It didn’t answer my question: What would make your life worthwhile?

With all those treatments, there must be something that kept you going, some hope that there was something you wanted in life. So is there any specific thing that would make life more worthwhile for you? (Right now, you are spending energy telling me how hopeless life is. How can anyone offer you support that will give you hand up if you don’t believe it will help? I’m sorry — I don’t intend to sound mean there. It’s reality…you need to want to live and make things work and believe they might. If you don’t believe in them, they won’t work. “If a person believes they can or they cannot, they are right.” Our outlook/belief has a lot of influence on how successfully we do something.

Yes, I can tell you feel helpless and hopeless. I can be hopeful for you. I cannot “help” in the sense that I cannot tell you what would make life worthwhile for you. Only you can do that. That is how each one of us must eventually help ourselves.

It’s a very basic starting point. Let’s try it. What would you like in life?

I have lived what you are living. Pain and at such a young age. And suicidal. Family hurts. But family is your tribe. Your sense of belonging. It gets better when you set a goal and have the opportunity to fulfill it. Be is schooling, a job, or career. It helps. Next relationships. Well they hurt. I would find safe loyal people and cultivate those relationships and if you can do it. Make your own family. They are your future tribe.

Thank you for your support, i see how much effort you're putting in your answers and i really appreciate that.

i used to want a husband and a kid or two. i thought that after a long period of depression my life could finally start, until i tried... and found out once again that my feelings dont allow me to have what id like to have: a family of my own. i cant stand sex, kissed, touch, sleeping in the same bedroom, physical and emotional intimacy, etc.

i have Aspergers, maybe thats why, maybe not, either way i cant even try to have what i thought i wanted.

same goes for friends, pets, volunteering, writing books (i do have published but i realized i hate what i write), etc.

only thing im good at is watching tv. too little too meaningless to live.

i cant even be kind with my parents who only give me love.

my feelings are wrong, i am wrong, i am not made for this life. i hate it actually. i hate myself and i hate my life.

i found out this a few months ago. after that, i thought very deeply about what else i had to live and the answer was nothing. nothing to live and not will to live.

its true, i dont believe things can change because i dont believe i can change my feelings. i tried, i forced myself but it was all useless.

thats why now i find myself here, with no whatsoever desire to live my life at these conditions.

i have no one

You are you. Hat to be someone you are not. Yiu said you are published? Can you make a living doing that? That can help a lot. Being asexual or alternative is not uncommon. I am wondering if you might connect with other asexual people. Maybe find some at lbgtqai groups.

Have you ever been given support for your autism? Living with Aspergers makes the world a challenging place but perhaps getting some specialist help from someone who understands might help. Not liking being touched is most likely part of your autism, sensory difficulties are something you might be able to get support with. People with ASD are far more likely to have mental health issues and commit suicide but I have to believe that with the right support and understanding it doesn’t have to be that way. Two of my children are diagnosed with Aspergers and my third child is asexual. It is so important to get to know yourself and then become accepting of your strengths and weaknesses, passions and dislikes. What is your passion or main interest? If you can’t think of one now, what has it been in the past? I hope your passion or obsession is not with death. It is easy to allow it to consume you but there are other options once you learn to understand and accept yourself. Death doesn’t have to be the answer.

Thank you for sharing. Have you found more people are living wit ASD than ever before?

Are your children adults or teens now and how do they cope?

I mean *more people are living with ASD more than ever before

My eldest is 22, my youngest 16. Both with Aspergers. My middle child is 20 and is asexual as is my youngest. It hasn’t been easy but I have worked really hard to help them learn and understand who they are. Acceptance and unconditional love is so important. They struggle with emotional regulation, sensory overload and social anxiety among other things. We work together to find little things they can do to make life more bearable. Noisy busy places cause sensory meltdowns but there are alternatives. My eldest will go shopping late in the evening when the supermarket is quieter. They use noise cancelling earbuds, clothing can be very difficult as they struggle with textures, but I find now that they are older, communication is key to finding out what works and what doesn’t. I’m lucky enough that they feel able to talk to me even if they can’t talk to other people. They are both very different in their needs and things they find difficult but I spend much of my time problem solving to try to make things just a little easier for them.
As for more people with ASD, it can seem like there are more people today but I suspect we are more aware of it than we used to be so it just seems that way. Being autistic isn’t an illness or something to be embarrassed about. They are like the rest of us, they have strengths and weaknesses, things they enjoy and things they don’t. There brains work in a different way but that doesn’t mean they work in the wrong way.

Thank you for enlightening me

@dying_inside - you have been dealt a difficult hand, for sure. I’m sorry it’s been rough going. I think that @Holding my breath has some great ideas and sound experience with some of the things related to your situation. Perhaps some specific support for the things that block you from your hopes and goals could start you on a constructive and positive path.

As for having no one…is it too trite to say you have us here at SF? I mean, I get that you want irl relationships and support, but you are not completely alone because people here will chat and be supportive. If you could get the specific type of real life support that Holding my breath has mentioned, maybe SF would be part of your relationships, but you could begin to develop other real life ones, as well.

There is always a chance. And it’s never too late. SF, as a group of people who care, is actually pretty good for friends. Please don’t give up on yourself.

We are here & we accept you, simply for who you are.

hugs

Ive bene seeing an autism T for a couple of months too. Since i was only diagnosed in january i still think of mysef as a weirdo trying to seem normal. But i do understand its impact on my life, i just cant accept myself and my life as they are. Broken Heart